Thoughts – Page 10 – Femdom Resource

Negotiation in the moment

Miss Margo recently put up a post that got me thinking about scene negotiation. The original post was about a complete absence of negotiation and a bad domme acting non-consensually. I’m not going to talk about that particular angle, as I’ve nothing really to add. If you’re destroying trust and traumatizing your play partners, as seemed to be the case Miss Margo describes, then clearly things are pretty fucked up. Instead I want to look at it from a more positive point of view: How do people negotiate consent effectively within a scene?

Obviously it’s always good to establish limits and boundaries before clothes come off and the whips come out. But it’s not always possible to cover every possible option. A scene is a fluid thing, with an energy of its own. Most people don’t want to script out exactly what will happen. So how do deal with the unknowns and getting consent when rope is flying? I’ve personally experienced 3 general approaches from dommes…

Assume consent, but go slowly with check-ins, and give the submissive plenty of time to stop the action if they’re uncomfortable.
Get consent by asking the question, but do so very much in the context and mood of the scene. I remember one time being asked in a very sultry voice – “Are all these holes mine to fuck?” An affirmative response in that case led to a set of urethral sounds appearing.
Mentally step away from the scene and pose the question in a very straightforward way. This is a big gear change, pulling everyone back into the pre-scene negotiation mood, before switching back into the scene dynamic. In this case the domme might pose the question as “Hey. Quick timeout. It just occurred to me we could incorporate X. Would that be OK, or would you rather not do that?”

I’m sure a lot of people would frown on (1), but I do understand the thinking behind it. In fact it’s the same thinking as (2). It’s trying to maintain the dynamic of the scene. Dommes want to walk the line between negotiation and maintaining the submissive headspace they’ve spent time creating. Sadly, while I understand the desire to do this, I think it’s a big mistake. The right way to go for me is always (3).

In a scene the submissive is typically predisposed to try and obey instructions and help the dominant. That makes it hard to respond to genuine questions that may require a negative response. Whatever happens somebody has to change their mental headspace to deal with the question. It might seem that options (1) and (2) maintain the scene dynamic, but actually they force the submissive to mentally change gears without any help. And that’s hard. At least for me it is.

With approach (3) the domme takes the responsibility to temporarily change the dynamic, as befits her role. It’s easy for her to pull the dynamic back to a discussion of equals before plunging back into the play. I’ve never had a problem getting my headspace back in those situations. I’ve had real problems with negotiations that caught me unawares and left me second guessing my responses.

Since I mentioned using sounds as a situation where I’ve encountered this kind of on the fly negotiation, it seems appropriate to finish with this image. Given he can’t see what’s coming, I’m hope they discussed it ahead of time. I’m afraid I don’t have a source for this image.

A holiday from yourself

Yesterday’s post about ‘play acting’ got me thinking more about personas and how we constantly project partial elements of our personalities into the world. It struck me that intense BDSM play represents an almost unique situation in that regard.

I’m someone whose is constantly debating and editing myself. That’s not to say I’m insincere or fake. It’s just that my brain is constantly running and adjusting to the world around me. I like to analyze, pick out subtext and fine tune how I present to the world. I think most people do the same thing, either consciously or subconsciously. Unless someone is a totally self-centered jerk, there’s always a desire to understand how we’re being perceived by others.

The one and only time I think that’s not true is during intense BDSM play. When I’m tied down and being beaten there’s no room in my brain for analysis or reflection. When a needle starts to slip into my skin my only thought is to that sharp slippery sensation of pain. When nipple clamps are ripped away all that matters is the rush of blood and the tingling nerves. The combination of mental submission (which removes choice) and physical pain (which removes thinking) makes for a holiday from the self.

I wouldn’t say that my persona in those intense moments is somehow more true or real than my day to day one. Nobody beating my naked ass is getting to somehow learn the secrets of the inner me. But those are the times when I can forget about my persona and how I’m perceived, and just be in that very physical pure moment.

I’ll finish with an image of someone very much in an intense physical moment. I’d guess the only thing on his mind right now involves those nipple clamps and exactly when she’s going to tug them free.

This is from the Divine Bitches site.

Burke and Hare

Excuse me for a moment while I rant. I doubt it’ll do much good, but it will make me feel better. Given the time I spend on this blog, I figure it owes me the occasional indulgence.

The recent Amnesty proposal to decriminalize sex work (covered in this past post) has generated a lot of column inches in the press and a lot of stupid generalizations. It’s has also frequently featured a phrase I absolutely despise – ‘selling their bodies’. Let me state clearly that the only time a news article should be discussing the selling of bodies is if the profession concerned is grave robbery. In any other situation it’s completely fucking obnoxious.

It’s strange that anti-sex workers insist on objectifying the people they profess to care about so much. It’s almost as if they care more about their personal beliefs and morality than the people they claim to be helping. Perhaps Cindy McCain now thinks John owns her body after having sex, but there’s no reason to inflict her screwed up reasoning on the rest of us.

As an aside, I suspect anyone using this phrase has some deep rooted issues around sex. It seems to stem from the same kind of thinking that considers sex as a reductive act that somehow devalues and ‘uses’ up women. In everything else in life practice makes you better, yet somehow something that gives great pleasure, and almost everyone does, is the exception. John Oliver touched on this mentality brilliantly in a recent show.

Anyone who talks about sex workers selling their bodies should have to explain their reasoning to someone like Mistress Natsukiss (below). Then they should spend an hour or two ‘enjoying’ their purchase, and see just how in charge of her body they feel. I’d like to think she could beat some sense into them, but that’s probably too optimistic.

I’ve featured Mistress Natsukiss in several previous posts, including here and here.

The end

I played with Lydia for the final time last night. Unless she’s going to retire in the manner of a 70’s rockstar, with endless comeback tours, I’m going to have to adapt to life without her.

Our sessions are usually intense, but this last one was particularly so. Layering sensations is traditionally a big part of our play. Last night in the space of about 30 seconds I was screaming in pain, struggling for oxygen, moaning in orgasm, laughing in relief and crying at the finality of it. Being sweaty, sticky and teary makes for an interesting post session clean up.

She has left me with a lot of memories. I remember her look of concentration when trying to get a needle in just the right place. I remember her professionalism. In hundreds of sessions she was always on time, always prepared and never ever cut corners. I remember her gleeful sadism. She could always channel her inner child playground bully to magical effect. I remember her imagination. Elaborate bondage or interesting predicaments were often the result of ideas she’d dreamed up days earlier. I remember her creativity and the great dynamic we shared. Most of all I remember her laughter. We laughed often together, but the commonest reason for her was my growling or snarling at some particularly sadistic thing she’d done. I might scream or moan in the really intense parts, but it was afterwards, in the quieter moments, that a pinch or a squeeze could trigger a growl from me and a happy laugh from her. I’ll miss that most of all.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to curl up on the couch with several stiff drinks and binge watch Buffy Season 2. I feel in the mood for some teenage angst and heartbreak featuring vampires. I’ll leave you with an image of Lydia very much as I remember her. That’s obviously not me with her in the photograph, but it does show her smile and the kind of play we so often enjoyed together.

Keep it down in there

Stories about noisy kinksters scaring the neighbors and getting a visit from the local authorities are not uncommon. I featured the story of Mistress Evilyne and her nosy neighbors a few posts back. The latest example is this story from Germany featuring a vocal kinky couple. I’m not sure whether to be impressed or scared that the police had to force the door down to get their attention.

This kind of thing might seem amusing, but it can have very significant consequences. In many US states, including mine, the police have a mandatory arrest law for domestic violence. What this means is that the police will always arrest someone if they believe there is probably cause that any kind of domestic violence occurred in the last few hours. It doesn’t matter what the ‘victim’ says or what the context was – somebody is going away in the back of the police car. The word of a neighbor, marks on a body or just an anonymous report of suspected violence is enough to get you arrested with no discretion allowed.

I understand the rational behind the law. A genuine victim of domestic violence needs the opportunity to escape from his or her abuser. They might not feel able to speak up until they’ve been separated. Yet for kinksters it can have serious consequences. It’s one thing to have your friends and neighbors know you’re kinky. Quite another to have them think you’re a domestic abuser after seeing you taken away in a police car.

I actually know (indirectly) of a Seattle couple this happened to. They thought their playroom was more soundproof than it actually was. The end result was not only an arrest after the neighbors reported the noise, but a full blown court case featuring their friends called as witnesses. It didn’t matter that the submissive repeatedly told everyone it was consensual activity. Justice is not only blind, but also slow and frequently stupid.

I’m not sure who these lovely whip marks belong to, but I hope they were inflicted in a soundproof space. They look like they’d have resulted in some serious screaming.

An ending

This has been a depressing week for me for a number of reasons. Some of those I can’t share here, but the one I can share is a big one: Lydia is retiring. Regular readers will be aware that Lydia is the domme I’ve played with for years and has been a big part of my development both as a person and as a submissive. I’ve documented a small fraction of our play on this blog (for example here, here, here and many more). Amazingly she was actually the first pro-domme I ever played with, almost 6 years ago now, and we’ve got together for 2-3 hours every couple of weeks ever since then. Hearing that she planned to retire, and possibly leave Seattle, wasn’t entirely surprising but it really shook me up.

From a purely selfish and practical perspective I’m going to miss the joy of playing with her. She’s without doubt the most talented domme I’ve ever interacted with. In what is literally hundreds of sessions that we’ve done together, I can’t think of one time where it felt like we were repeating something or simply going through the motions. Every time I stepped out of my clothes, and went to meet her naked and smiling, it was the beginning of something magical. Certain activities formed common starting points – piercing, corporal, bondage, breathplay – but each time she’d take our play in some new exciting direction.

Emotionally it has hit me pretty hard. Partly because I’m not sure how to process it. I’m not someone who ever had a problem with the professional boundary. I’m not saying I’d have turned down the chance to make it a non-professional relationship, but that was never anything I expected or particularly hoped for. I just enjoyed the relationship for what it was. Now its ending I don’t have a natural way to move through the change. I end other professional relationships all the time, but my realtor or doctor hasn’t spent hundreds of hours with me in very intimate and intense sexual situations. The closest analogy I can draw is to losing a very close friend. Someone important to you and who knew you in a way nobody else did, is suddenly no longer going to be in your life.

Fortunately there a few weeks left before she hangs up her whip (as a professional at least), and I have the chance to play with her a couple more times. It’ll be kind of strange. I almost didn’t want to play again at all. But given all the fun we’ve had together, it seemed like it’d be silly not to enjoy our last opportunity. I’ve never yet cried in a session, no matter how hard the beating. I’ll be kind of ironic if I end up crying when the beating stops.

T & D

Mistress T has a nice post up on the joy of not fucking her. It’s all about the pleasure (from her perspective at least) of tease and denial. I like it because it’s a topic that pushes my buttons. I’m not a fan of the humiliation slant it can take (the ‘not worthy to fuck’) but I do like the teasing aspect (the ‘oh you’re so close’).

It got me thinking about why sexual denial and frustration can be so hot. Generally speaking I’m not someone known for his patience. As a kid reading instructions and getting the right tools was never a starting point for a project. That was something that happened later, once I’d already dived in and screwed everything up with my ignorant enthusiasm. Learning to delay gratification is a good thing. I just always thought the delay should be really really small.

I wonder if for me the delight in tease and denial came about as a process of transference. Maybe it started with trying to prolong pleasure. Stretching out the moment amplified the sensations. Do that often enough and the happy brain chemicals start being associated more with the build-up than the actual event itself. By trying to make the moment last, I trained my brain to link pleasure to the promise rather than the reward. And while a reward can sometimes be disappointing, a promise never can.

D is not an evolution of s

As I was writing yesterday’s post on La Domaine Esemar I had a nagging feeling it was a subject I’d covered before. Searching past posts didn’t find anything, but my bookmark list turned up this article from The Daily Beast. It’s an article I’d intended to post about but never got around to. It’s similar to the Cosmos article, giving background on the people and the Chateau, but provides a lot more detail and context. It’s certainly an interesting article, but there’s one really infuriating part in it.

This deep-seeded dedication to submission, and potential subsequent evolution into dominance, is one of the ways that La Domaine sets itself apart from the commercialized BDSM scene in New York City. People are encouraged to experience both sides, traditionally starting as a submissive and moving into a dominant role, to more fully understand the symbiotic nature of the lifestyle, whereas in other parts of the subculture people will adhere to one or the other for superficial reasons rather than trying, over time, to explore the inner-workings of their sexuality and come to a honest consensus about their true nature as a submissive or a dominant.

Firstly, dominance is not an evolution of submission. The two states are peers and partners. One is not a more advanced lifeform than the other. Secondly, the idea that it’s necessary to explore both sides to fully understand one’s true sexual nature is ludicrous. Are straight people superficial if they don’t first explore same sex relationships? Or have gay people not reached a honest consensus about themselves if they haven’t tried sleeping with someone of the opposite sex? If someone is curious or just uncertain then by all means explore. People’s desires can change and knowledge is a wonderful thing. D/s is not necessarily a binary choice, but some people know deep in their bones what works for them. The above quote smacks of ‘one true path’ bullshit and BDSM hierarchies, and that always drives me nuts.

The above image is Mistress Couple with a slave at La Domaine Esemar.

Mirrors

Mirrors feature heavily in most playspaces. Ask any pro-domme and they’ll typically tell you how important it is to have a lot of mirrors around. Quite frankly, until very recently, I never really understood that. After all, I know what I look like, and don’t have any desire to stare at myself. I might be masochistic, but I’m not narcissistic. The domme normally does look fabulous, but I can see her anyway. So what’s the point of the mirrors?

In recent months I’ve begin to appreciate them a little more. Originally I looked on them in the same way I might look at pornography. Is it hot? Is it visually appealing? Often the answer was no. Seeing me tied up and getting beaten wasn’t hot, because the comparison I always made was with commercial porn. But now I’m beginning to look at them as an alternative view on our dynamic. I’m not simply looking at two bodies, one hot, one not. I’m looking at two people doing some crazy kinky stuff. I’m watching a mutually fulfilling interaction. Seeing that play out from another angle in a mirror can be really interesting. I just had to let go of my pornographically conditioned view on what exciting kinky play looked like.

I found this image on the Femdom Style Counsel tumblr. I’m afraid I don’t have an original source.

Fetlife Fail

Fetlife has been in the news recently for all the wrong reasons. Somebody scraped a bunch of user data off it and published it on the open web. This wasn’t a hack. They simply created a normal free account, which just takes a few seconds, and then ran a script to browse the site and download user profiles accessible to all fetlife users. They claimed that this was to demonstrate the lack of security in Fetlife. That position was undermined somewhat by the fact that they only took data from female users under 30 years old and published it in a file called ‘The Fetlife Meatlist’.

Understandably this pissed a lot of people off leading to articles like this and this. While the person who did it is obviously an asshole, I can’t say I was particularly surprised. There have been numerous articles over the years highlighting this potential attack, as well as previous technical demonstrations of the approach. Of course that doesn’t much help the 99% of Fetlife users who are busy getting kinky rather than reading techy sex blog articles.

It’s tempting to say that you should expect anything published online to be public. That’s both true and missing the point. Privacy is not a binary concept. At one extreme you have things like password protected accounts for storing private cellphone photographs. At the other you have sites like reddit and blogs like this one. To access the former you need either a hacker or a security flaw in the storage system. To access the latter you just need a web browser and an internet connection. Neither provides guaranteed privacy, as a lot of celebrities recently found out. Yet expectations of the two are clearly different.

Social media sites like Fetlife and Facebook fall someone between those two extremes. The problem is that their business model of eyeballs and advertisers pulls them towards the openness of a reddit or a blog. The expectation of their users, particularly for a content sensitive site like Fetlife, pulls towards greater privacy and protection. To date it seems that Fetlife has biased towards its advertisers over its users. So yes, you should always work on the assumption that anything stored online may become public. But that doesn’t absolve Fetlife of the responsibility to strike the right balance between its business model and its users privacy.

In the meantime, if you do take kinky selfies, be careful how you share them. Although if anyone wants to send me some, I promise to be careful with them!

This is by the Belgium artist Benoit Feroumont, who posts his erotic work under the handle Gracy Gimp.