Mentioning Dan Savage in yesterday’s post prompted me to go and catch up with the latest entries in his advice column – ‘Savage Love’. It’s an entertaining column and his answers are frequently funny and insightful. Even the comments, normally garbage on any popular mainstream public forum, can be thoughtful.
For kink lovers his column from a couple of weeks back, entitled Working the Kinks Out, was particular relevant. Of the three kinky folk featured, the letter that caught me eye was the third one on the page, sent by a woman married to a submissive man. She didn’t fancy ‘squeezing into an uncomfortable corset and using a flogger on him’ so allowed him to see a pro-domme. Now she’s upset that he’s going too often and spending too much money. Dan’s answer is a fair one, but I think it’s impossible to judge the situation without a hell of a lot more context than the letter gives. What really piqued my interest was the comments that followed the column.
As you’d expect the comments covered a lot of viewpoints, but a common one was that she should stop complaining and start hitting him. The reasons given ranged from being GGG, being financially smart, learning to like it, not being selfish and it’s easy once you try it. I’m all for more women topping and playing the dominant role, but I can’t help feeling that these comments overlook the complexity of D/s play. I wonder if they’d say the same kind of thing if the husband were dominant and wanted to tie her up and beat her? Would they suggest a non-submissive should just suck it up, stop being selfish and take the punishment? I doubt it.
Submission is often treated as something fixed, an in-built need that must be satisfied. Conversely dominance is treated as an act or activity, an option that can be turned on or off. I understand that coming from a vanilla perspective (nobody wants pain, but anyone can choose to inflict it), but it doesn’t make sense from a kinky background. Dominating someone is a very complex dynamic, and scenes can create a lot of powerful emotions. Nobody should feel they have to tap into that kind of energy if they don’t want to. I don’t know where the wife in question chose to draw the kinky line in the sand, but I do think she can’t choose to be dominant anymore than he can choose to not be submissive.
Given the letter writer seemed unhappy about using a flogger, this seemed a particularly apt picture to use. This lady certainly doesn’t seem unhappy about her flogging options. This is from a 2012 Divine Bitches shoot with Phoenix Marie and Parker London.
