Photograph – Page 194 – Femdom Resource

Depressingly good advice

Strange over at the Treats for the Strange blog has a “good” post on the topic of how to approach a dominant woman. I have quotes around “good” in that sentence not because I think her advice is bad or unnecessary, but because I find it depressing that these kind of posts have to keep being written.

Do not start by saying ‘I am not worth your time’.
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Do not start by saying ‘I know I am not what you’re looking for’.
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Do not say ‘I am a dominant, but I’d submit to you’.

When I see these statements my first thought is “Really? Do some submissive guys actually do this? How stupid are they?” Unfortunately, my follow-up thought is then about the number of times I’ve seen the same kind of advice from so many different dominant women. Which tells me that yes, if lots of dominant women feel compelled to independently repeat this, then there clearly must be a lot of submissive guys out there who need to be told. That makes me depressed. I then realize that these guys are my competition in the D/s dating pool, and yet I’m still single. That’s normally about the time I decide I need a stiff drink. And how having written this, I foresee a blend of gin, campari and sweet vermouth in my very near future.

I like this shot, but those heels look pretty dangerous for navigating stairs. I hope he’s ready to break her fall if necessary. I found the image on the GeekDomme tumblr. Which, I have to say, sounds like a truly excellent combination of characteristics.

To pee or not to pee

As I was driving into work this morning I was mulling over the erotic potential for piss play. I’m sure we’ve all been there. Traffic’s a little heavy. Idiots are randomly changing lanes while talking on their phones. I’m trying to pick my gaps, catch the lights and figure out exactly what makes urination exciting. You know, the usual commuter stuff.

To be more specific, I was actually trying to figure out a scenario where simply being peed on was hot. I know that some people find that an automatic button pusher, but not for me. I don’t find it particularly humiliating or degrading. It’s just good messy fun, a little like sploshy play. Possibly sexy, but not particularly D/s. In contrast I find forced consumption, where it’s a very careful and measured approach, with not a drop to be spilled, incredibly hot. That has a real objectification and controlling vibe to it that really works for me.

Somewhere between I-5 and my parking garage, I decided that simply being peed on could work, if there was a heavy bondage and abandonment situation built around it. That takes it into a masochistic area, with a little side helping of degradation. I was therefore very surprised and amused to get home and discover that Lady Anna’s latest post described exactly the kind of scene I had decided might work.

I took D, who was wearing a cotton overall, down into my cellar along with a small selection of steel bondage hardware. I cuffed his ankles and then I chained and padlocked his cuffs chain to a ring that is screwed into my cellar floor. I then cuffed his wrists. I pulled a small hessian sack onto his head and secured it with his leather collar. I then told him to get down on to the floor where he lay as I pissed on him. Without saying goodbye I walked out, locked and padlocked the cellar door, and then at the top of the steps I locked the top cellar door.
Lady Anna List

As a style of play it’s probably not one you’d want to share with someone just feeling their way into kink. Or one to tell your curious vanilla friends. But kind of hot in my view.

The images is from the 21sextury site and I found it on the Felm Cyber tumblr.

The first step

I have a blogging problem. I have to come clean and admit it. I’m sure a lot of you are now nodding your heads and thinking to yourself – “We already know that. We see it every single time you hit that ‘publish post’ button.” While that may be true, it’s not the immediate problem I’m prepared to talk about here. My main issue right now is the sheer number of interesting blogs out there I’d like to link to. There are just too many of them.

As you’ve probably observed, my blogroll on the right is a dynamic one, which updates and sorts itself based on the publication of new posts. That works great for 20 or 30 blogs, but not very well for 50+. I don’t want to get rid of the dynamic blogroll, but I don’t want to stop adding interesting links for readers. Either I need the world to become less interesting, or I need a better approach for linking to lots of blogs.

My solution is a new page, entitled (imaginatively enough) Femdom Blogs. This is modeled along similar lines to my Images and Equipment pages, with some approximate link categorization for a few distinct lists. This new page will always contain 100% of all the links I publish. My dynamic blogroll on the right will be a subset of that, hosting newly discovered links and links to blogs that both regularly update and are personal favorites (i.e. I read every update). This way I can keep updating the blogroll with new and interesting stuff while having a much larger static collection on a separate page.

Right now the page basically lists what is already in my blogroll, albeit with a few additions to the Sex section (Savage Love, Tiny Nibbles and Viviane’s Sex Carnival). For step two, in my post tomorrow, I’ll do some shuffling and introduce some new femdom and kink links.

In the meantime here’s a pleasant image for your viewing pleasure. It has no correlation with this post. But anyone making it this far through my random site admin thoughts deserves a little eye candy.

I came to this via the Undiscovered Limits (aka Untamed Dark Mane) tumblr. It’s originally from the Strap-on Hell site.

Spooky internet moment

Earlier this evening I poured myself a glass of wine and began browsing the archive pages of the Gorean Kajirus tumblr. It’s one of my favorite tumblrs to look at when I’m simply hunting for eye candy. The curator obviously puts a lot of effort into it, as there’s a huge amount of aesthetically and erotically interesting material. There’s beautiful women or all types, ripped guys in restraints, interesting bondage shots and fun BDSM play in many different flavors. There’s even the odd bit of auto porn.

And then, in the middle of all the visual loveliness, dear God, I spotted myself. Twice. That was a spooky internet moment. It’s one thing to appear on my own blog, or on a domme’s site. After all these shots started life on Domina Yuki’s tumblr, and I even spotted my torso on Lydia’s testimonial page the other day. However, it’s quite another sensation to stumble across them on a random tumblr. Particularly one which tends to the more aesthetic than the functional side of kink.

In the meantime, while I get over the weirdness, let me leave you with a couple of shots of genuine eye candy from that tumblr. The first I think is Goddess Miki, a pro-domme from LA who has been on my ‘to visit’ list for a while. I’ve no idea about a source for the second one.

The association game

I often think my posts here are a little like a visual game of word association. The original game is where you say a series of words, letting your subconscious guide the connections, and try to not always end up saying ‘penis’. Although it is possible that this final rule is only a personal (and necessary) addition to the game.

In this blog’s case the image in one post often leads me to another, although the connection might not be at all obvious to my readers. For this image the connection is the expression of the woman on the left, Mistress Sade. The woman on the right, Goddess Brianna, has the look of someone dragged reluctantly into a group photograph at a family gathering (if you’ll excuse the horribly clashing imagery). It’s the “OK. I’m smiling. Hurry up an take the photo. I have stuff to do” look. On the other hand,Mistress Sade looks very relaxed and comfortable to be in the shot. She reminds of the maid from yesterday’s post. There’s a nice blend of amusement and sadistic satisfaction in her expression.

I originally found a version of this image (minus the watermark) on the Rue Montorgueil tumblr. Google’s reverse image search took me to this gallery, which has the original image and the information that it came from the Club Dom site.

A gleeful sadist

There are always going to be some people who have a natural ability to push your internal sexual hot buttons. I don’t meant that in an exclusionary way, in the way that some men will insist on only dating women with certain physical attributes (blonde hair or big breasts or whatever). If there’s a woman interested enough in me to consider some naked shenanigans, then far be it from me to start throwing up roadblocks in her path. But being open to alternatives doesn’t mean that all alternatives all equal. Some people can hit your libido where it hurts with just a glance. For me, that group of people would definitely include Mistress Natsukiss.

One of the things that I love about her videos and images is the very gleeful sadism that comes through. She’s not a smiling domme doing a little light bondage and sensual teasing. She’s not an ice queen, viciously beating her submissives with a snarl. Instead she inflicts some really serious sadistic punishment with a happy joyful attitude. That’s a wonderful combination.

One of my favorite scenes I have of hers involves a very heavy whipping with a single-tail. The submissive is trying to remain in position on the ground on all fours, but is losing focus with the strength of the repeated strikes. Each time he slumps she repeatedly taps her foot on the floor, and he slowly pulls himself back into the proper stance. From his viewpoint he can only see her foot, and he responds like a trained animal. It’s as if she’s giving him something of her to focus on. She just keeps smiling and whipping, bringing him obediently back into line with each stamp of the heel.

Sadly I don’t have any good images to share from that scene. Instead he’s four enjoyable shots taken from this gallery on her galleries page. I think they show her gleeful sadism pretty well. You can click on the images to enlarge them. She has also featured in a couple of previous posts, you can see here and here.

Alpha to Omega

Peroxide put up an interesting post recently about the desire for a man who is both a submissive and an alpha male.

I’ve been seeing a familiar refrain when dommes describe their male partners, usually along the lines of: “you would never know he’s submissive outside the bedroom” or “in his professional life he’s a real alpha male, but to me he’s submissive.”
Peroxide

He makes some interesting points and the post had a number of thoughtful and positive comments, so it’s worth reading the whole thing. It caught my attention because I’ve also noticed similar themes in blogs and forums, but I decode them slightly differently. Of course I’m not a dominant woman, and have no special insight into this particular desire. But I’ve never let a silly thing like an absence of facts or a lack of domain knowledge get in the way of my opinions before, and don’t see why I should start now.

I should begin by saying I really hate the alpha/beta terminology. It’s a reduction past the point of absurdity. No person is one thing in all situations at all times. I recently saw a comment about Ted Conferences, where someone claimed that they used to be all about the alpha males, the CEOs, but now it was full of the beta VPs. That’s perhaps an accurate description from a purely biological perspective, but it’s ludicrous given the common usage of the word. The alpha to omega classification might make sense when you’re a pride of lions, but doesn’t map at all to the kind of fluid dynamic social structures humans inhabit.

Peroxide attributes part of this common desire for an ‘alpha’ as a reaction to very non-alpha associated kinks.

Part of it I think is pushing back against the over-prevalent, sissy/forced-femme/cuckold submale fantasy that that is being pushed as the way that Femdom works.
Peroxide

I agree with the reaction part, but I’m not sure I would assign it narrowly to that specific stimulus. For one thing I don’t think that particular set of kinks are ‘being pushed’ as widely as sometimes gets attributed. They also sound like perfectly reasonable ways to play for couples that enjoy it. The use of ‘submale fantasy’ suggests those are purely male driven desires, when that’s clearly not exclusively the case.

What I’ve observed from these kind of discussions is that the desire isn’t typically for an extroverted, aggressive, alpha group leader (although it can be). It’s more to avoid a passive, unimaginative, needy wet blanket who needs to be micro-managed. I think some men interpret submissive as ‘You need to tell me what to do, I no longer should need to think.” That’s isn’t an attractive quality for most women, dominant or not.

I remember one female blogger (although I don’t remember exactly who) relating how she’d gone for dinner with a prospective submissive and he’d insisted on having her order for him, and then when that didn’t go down well, ordering exactly what she’d ordered. That was his idea of being a submissive. In many ways that kind of behavior reminds me of guys who think emailing penis shots is an appropriate introduction on a dating site. It’s a way of treating the other person as simply a delivery mechanism for their personal sexual fantasy.

I’d suggest that confidence, competence and empathy are three of the most desired characteristics. That’s the ability to understand what the other person wants, and the ability to provide it in a drama free fashion, no alpha chest beating required. Of course, I haven’t exactly been tearing up the kinky dating scene recently (or ever), so caveat emptor.

For images I’ve gone with some shots of men making themselves useful. The first came via the GeekDomme tumblr. The second is another image from Domina M.

I really don’t give a fig

There aren’t a lot of kinky physical activities I don’t enjoy. Obviously I haven’t tried everything, should such an accomplishment even be possible, but my strike rate on trying and enjoying new things is pretty high. That doesn’t mean that I love everything equally. I’ll always enjoy a good beating over a more gentle foot worship session, but I’m happy if either comes in my direction.

In all the sessions I’ve done I can only think of one thing that I absolutely disliked and never want to do again. That would be figging. For those that have never tried it, this consists of using a carved ginger root as a butt plug, as shown in the photograph below. The idea is that the ginger creates a stinging burning sensation that is particularly painful if the submissive clenches around the plug. It is sometimes combined with spanking, with the plug used to encourage the submissive to keep his or her muscles relaxed.

Unfortunately when I tried it, the only thing I could think of was curry. Red hot, melt the plastic bag, take-away curry. The kind I used to get in England after consuming many beers on a Friday night out. The kind that tasted so good at the time, but I always knew I’d pay for the next day. At any moment during the figging I expected the taste of stale lager in my mouth and a flock wallpaper flashback. The pain from the ginger wasn’t enough to be masochistically interesting, but it was enough to make me think of churning stomachs, hangovers and hours spent anchored to the porcelain throne.

After over ten years in the States there’s only three things that I still miss about England. My immediate family is one. Proper fish and chips wrapped in newspaper is another. And the final thing would be good Indian take away. Figging is a great way to recreate its exit conditions. Now I just need to find an equivalent for the tasting part.

I found this image on the Girls Rule, Subs Drool tumblr.

Pillow muncher

I remember the insults ‘pillow muncher’ and ‘pillow biter’ being thrown around the playground when I was at junior school. That’d be around the age of 7 or 8. It took me quite literally years to work out what it meant. It was obviously something to do with being ‘gay’, which was automatically considered bad, but I was a teenager before the penny finally dropped on what exactly was going on. I can even remember the “Ah-ha!” moment, as I was so happy I’d finally solved the riddle. I was never the quickest child on the uptake when it came to sex.

I like both expressions in the shot below. They’re both looks of concentration. His is a pained concentration, biting the pillow as he tries to ease into it and get comfortable. Hers is a look of problem solving concentration, just trying to get everything lined up and pushed home.

I found this via the Femdom Marriage tumblr. I think it’s originally from the Guys Get Fucked site. You can see more shots from the scene in this gallery.

Peaking behind the curtain

I’ve been enjoying catching up on Domina M’s new blog – Look Like Veronica Lake; Think Like Dorothy Parker. She used to be one of NYC’s top pro-dommes, mentored one of the current stars of that city, and has since retired to Barcelona.

She’s writing about the practicalities of being a pro-domme, the behind the scene issues she had to deal with, which I find fascinating. I think it’s always fun to read about unusual jobs. It almost doesn’t matter exactly what the job is – steeplejack, hostage negotiator, matador – there’s just something innately interesting in learning the tricks of a trade. It appeals to the desire to discover a secret, as well as the intellectual pleasure of gaining understanding of a new problem space.

I particularly enjoyed her piece on micro-dommenomics and her attempt to come up with a viable model for an inexpensive session.

A simple foot or OTK session in the morning might be a nice way to start my day. What say $75 for a half hour foot or OTK session in the morning? NO ONE could beat that.
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There was no way I was going to dilute the “Domina M” brand with a blue light special. Besides the argument was that they wanted the minimum, simply a focus on their fetish. Okay fine. I created a new yahoo email account and advertised, “Simple foot/otk sessions with a beautiful, busty, 29-year-old blond. 8AM-11AM. $75 per ½ hour” every free place I could.
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After all of that, how many people did I see in those three months? None. Zero. Goose-Egg.
Domina M

The failure of this approach doesn’t surprise me at all. When it comes to luxury goods and services, price may not be a good discriminating factor, but it is normally a good filtering factor. I probably can’t simply use price alone to choose between a $50 bottle of wine and $100 bottle of wine. But I can normally safely exclude the $5 bottle of wine from consideration. If I saw a very cheap price for an unnamed and unreviewed pro-domme I’d assume either she wasn’t smart enough to price herself correctly or was so bad that she couldn’t get business at a higher price. Neither are appealing characteristics. And, as Domina M discovered, the type of clients who don’t make that kind of assessment turn out to be the type of clients not worth cultivating.

In the comment section Miss Troy Orleans remarked on the fact that she’d recently offered a significant session discount to celebrate her eight year dommiversary, and had been surprised when only one person took her up on it. That also surprised me at first glance, but actually makes some sort of sense from a psychological perspective. A discount suggests that, compared to the normal exchange, one person is losing out on the deal. A client with enough disposable income to regularly see a top pro-domme is unlikely to value a transitory financial saving over the negative psychological association of the discount.

If Miss Orleans had reworded the offer to suggest she was going to extend the session length but still charge her normal rate, I wonder if it would have changed the uptake rate? The cost/time ratio is unchanged, but it creates a different emphasis. Now the client isn’t taking something away, but is instead being gifted with something extra. A bit like how restaurants don’t give regular customers discounts, but do send out additional free courses.

Perhaps that might also have been an answer to Domina M’s discount session experiment. Offer it only as a bonus to regular clients who have already paid the full session rate in the past. That weeds out the wankers while rewarding the regulars. Although of course that does still risk diluting the brand. These things are never simple.

I’ve added her blog to the pro-domme section of my blogroll, so hopefully she’ll be popping up there with many more interesting posts in future. Thanks to hmp for the original pointer.

Photograph is of Domina M. For a little background on the photographer see this blog post.