Tag: Photograph

Needle Smart

Melissa Febos is back in the news to annoy my over my morning cup of tea. For those that haven’t heard of her, she’s the author of a book called Whip Smart about her time working as a pro-domme in a dungeon in NYC. Her story is a familiar one. Full of the confidence and immortality of youth, our author-to-be does a bunch of drugs and develops a heroin addiction. She then spends several years trying to combine a normal life, a drug habit and a secret job that can sustain said habit. Eventually she kicks the drugs, ditches the job and writes a book about how crazy it all was. It’s a time honored tale, and one practiced by many authors.

I’m happy she got clean, got published and got a different job that she’s clearly better suited for. What annoys me is that in the countless interviews she does, she never provides broader context for domination or shows any self-awareness of herself in the bigger kinky picture. You get the impression she thinks she’s a truly representative example of a dominatrix and is providing a valuable insight into that world. Where in reality she was hired as a pretty face, working with zero training in a McDungeon. It’s a bit like a 3rd string quarterback, who never made it beyond the practice squad, writing a book on being a professional NFL player. He might have a great personal story, but he’s not exactly Tom Brady. In that case I’m sure he and his interviewers would understand that. In the case of Febos and her coverage, I’m not sure that distinction gets drawn.

I also find it odd that the dangers of what she did never get addressed. For example, she did risky kinky activities like breathplay while high on drugs. I wonder how the interviews would have gone is her side gig had been say a carer at an old peoples home? I’m guessing all the funny stories about the stupid shit she did with the crazy patients while on heroin wouldn’t have gone down so well.

The other thing that bugs me – while I’m ranting here – is how she trades on her time as a dominatrix while also complaining about people bringing it up. Several times in this recent Guardian article she writes disapprovingly about people mentioning it, and is mad that a colleague makes a joke about it. You don’t get to write a book, and do countless interviews on a subject to flog said book, and the declare it off limits for comments. If you’re making money off it, you should probably learn not to be embarrassed by it.

Mistress Mattisse wrote a review of the book and also chatted to Febos. I think she covers the issues pretty well.

Melissa FebosPhotograph is of Melissa Febos. Post title and ‘McDungeon’ stolen shamelessly from Mistress Matisse.

CBT for the curious

I’m  regularly surprised by the extent to which discussion on specialized BDSM play has spread to mainstream sites. For example, here’s a recent Refinery29 article on Cock and Ball Torture. OK, so Refinery29 isn’t exactly the New York Times, but I doubt a few years ago you’d have seen anything on CBT outside of specialized kink sites. I don’t think I knew what CBT was until I started physically exploring BDSM and actually arranging to play. Now anyone can read about it next to articles on health, entertainment and politics.

As articles go it’s not a bad one, given the obvious constraints on space and detail. However, it does suffer from a problem I see in a lot of these mainstream articles – treating the sensual and the sadistic separately. They often seem to treat kink as something you do by taking a break from regular sensual sex to try this sadistic and painful thing. In my experience very few masochists like cold, brutal and unmodulated pain. And those that do, probably aren’t taking tips from Refinery29 articles. For most of us it’s the blend of pleasure with pain, and the ratcheting up of sensation as the balance tip back and forth between them.

I think the best advice for a CBT curious couple would be to start with the pleasure. Get him hot and bothered with the tongue or the hand, and then mix in some squeezing, pinching or slapping. Someone horny and eager is going to be less self conscious about what they’re doing and more likely to relax into the moment. Wait till he’s panting, then put some clothespins on the shaft or sack and slowly masturbate him. That mixture of lovely friction and painful tugging gives a lot of scope for shifting the pain/pleasure balance. It also sets up the right dynamic of control – giving pleasure and then taking it away. There’s also an obvious visual feedback mechanism as arousal ebbs and flows.

Bruises on bruises

I’m safely back in Seattle, recovering from my LA hijinks. Doing 8 intense hours of sessions over 6 days definitely wasn’t wise, but it was a lot of fun.

I finished by playing with Mistress Lucy again, whilst sporting fresh and vivid whip marks from Mistress Isabella Sinclaire. You can probably guess what happened next. Do you think that on being shown the day old marks…
a/ Mistress Lucy observed how tender they looked and was careful to avoid them for the rest of the sessions, or
b/ Gleefully raked her fingernails across them and then pulled our her slappy leather whip to add her own layer of marks on top?

The vivid bruises on my back will testify to answer (b). There’s something about showing a tender spot to a sadistic top – they just can’t help poking at it to get a reaction. Or, in this case, beating it with a big leather thing to get a scream.

This isn’t me in the picture with Isabella below, but my marks were (and are) remarkably similar in pattern. Or at least were until the next layer got added!

I found this on Mistress Isabella’s Instagram.

Living the dream

I was lucky enough to realize a long held dream of mine this weekend. I got to play with Isabella Sinclaire.

For those that don’t know of her work (shame on you), she’s a famous and very talented domme, who I’ve mentioned here in previous posts. I first became aware of her thanks to the Ivy Manor films she did with Jewell Marceau back around 2000. At the time my kinky life lived in fantasy only, and the films and her presence completely grabbed me. It’s hard to believe I’d one day be lucky enough to end up tied to her table.

Her approach to playing reminded my a lot of Lydia. They both possess the confidence, skills and experience to riff on a theme, reading body language and organically building layers of sensation. Rather than working through a specific pre-determined plan, there’s a sense of working towards a know goal but improvising a lot of the steps along the way. In my case some of those steps involved a tens unit, a beautifully thrown single tail and suturing around the nipples, cock and balls. It was a fantastic experience.

Please note that my comparison shouldn’t be taken as a criticism of the other dommes I play with. There are a lot of different but equally great ways to construct a scene and top someone. I’ve always tried to play with different dommes and enjoyed their unique slants on domination, even when Lydia was still around. I’ve just never before encountered anyone who reminded me so much of her general approach as Isabella did, even while their styles were still very much their own.

If you’re in the LA region and interesting sessioning with Mistress Isabella, her professional site is here. She also organizes a Domme Collective, featuring many talented professionals.

Cock Cage Fantasy

Recently I’ve been fantasizing about cock cages. That might not seem like hot news. Submissive guy has chastity fantasy – hold the front page. But I’ve actually been fantasizing about other guys in steel cock cages. And I’m still straight, or at least I was the last time I checked.

What prompted this was hanging out in Los Angeles restaurants and observing groups dining together. Many of them seemed to consist of very average but loud men dining with very attractive but quiet women. There’s nothing unique to LA about that combination, but it seems more prevalent here. There’s something particularly annoying about watching overweight guys in badly fitted suits holding forth at great length about their latest business deal while their female companions sit back and nurse their drinks.

The male ego is particularly unattractive when displayed so blatantly. What cheered me up was to imagine them all wearing expensive steel chastity devices, shifting around uncomfortably beneath their Zegna suits. They might have been boasting to their buddies over the steak course, but in my fantasy the ladies held the key to their devices, and then fucked them brutally when they got home. Who knows, it might even have been true in some cases.

Talking of cock cage fantasies – here’s a great one from Steelwerks. This is the steampunk cage.

Does this hurt? How about now?

I think all good sadists have a touch of the mad scientist in them. They’re not content with making it hurt. They also have questions. How much does it hurt? What about here compared with here? What if I squeeze? Was that a yes or a no? What if I do it again? What if I turn it up and squeeze?

I had a great session with Mistress Lucy yesterday, which featured many of these questions. She particularly enjoyed testing where her Tazapper hurt the most. Oddly enough, despite testing it on the more obvious delicate and protruding areas, I think the final answer was in the armpit. I guess that’s what a good mad scientist does. Don’t waste time guessing or making assumptions. Just jam that probe in and see what jumps.

This is a shot of Mistress Lucy I found on her twitter feed. Not exactly sure what’s going on with that pole, but it definitely got a bit of a (sexy) mad scientist vibe to it.

My super secret list

I wrote a few weeks ago about a bottle of hot sauce triggering memories of an old session. Today I had an equally unusually object trigger some fond kinky thoughts – my Garmin GPS system.

I have one of those portable GPS units you can stick on a windscreen. I find it easier to use than a phone when I’m driving. I think it covers the whole of North America but I’ve never really tested that, as the only place it ever gets used is Los Angeles. I know my way around Seattle, and in most other cities I stick to public transport and Lyft. LA is the only place I visit where a car is a necessity. That means its historical log of past locations only has LA addresses in it. And, given this is me we’re talking about, a lot of those addresses are LA dungeon spaces.

I was scrolling through it last night with a big smile on my face. They would have looked like random addresses to anyone else, but to me they were reminders of particular kinky experiences. There was the place in the valley I was almost an hour late to, thanks to LA traffic. Cynthia Stone’s old location. The very first place I met Mistress Lucy, as well as her new space. Several random spaces I only visited once. An odd apartment complex in downtown where I misread the parking signs and had my hire car towed. I guess that last one wasn’t such a great memory, but in general there were a lot of fun times captured in that old address list.

Anyone who has arranged a session with a pro-domme will know they guard their locations very carefully. You don’t get the address until you’ve been checked out and you’re about to meet them. I can therefore only hope my GPS unit never falls into the wrong hands. It’d be a goldmine for finding LA’s kinky hotspots.

It’s tricky to find a femdom image featuring a GPS theme, so instead here’s a shot of a pioneering and talented driver from a pre-GPS era. This is Genevra Delphine Mudge, widely considered to be the first female racing driver. She was also the first woman in the US to be issued with a drivers license.

Undesired desires

Metro recently published an interview with Goddess Avivia that made me laugh. For the most part it’s a pretty standard mainstream magazine interview with a pro-domme. That is to say, it’s generally positive with an minor undercurrent of sneering and sensationalism. It also has the requisite reference to submissions all being rich alpha types that always bugs me. The bit that made me laugh was this…

Most of my clients are privileged white men: 6-feet tall, fit, in their 30s, usually working in a high-powered position. These men are used to being in control, getting what they want and having women cater to their desires. It’s exciting for them to experience the polar opposite of their day-to-day.

As regular readers will be aware, I’m huge fan of pro-dommes and always enjoy playing with them. And I’m sure that Goddess Aviva is a lovely person and an excellent domme. However, I’m also pretty certain that all her 6 foot tall clients are getting exactly what they want and are still having a woman cater to their desire. That is, after all, what they pay for. It might be unusual to desire to be beaten or humiliated or peed on by an attractive woman, but it’s still a desire. Unless of course they have been prescribed invigorating beatings  for the good of their health, and really don’t enjoy them at all.

I understand what she’s getting at, but the wording did make me smile. I’ll leave you with an old image of Mistress Madeline apparently refusing to give her slave what he desires.

You should have seen the other guy

In keeping with the somewhat serious and extreme theme started in yesterday’s post, here’s an image from Empress Jennifer’s twitter feed that’s guaranteed to make every guy wince.

I’ve no idea if it’s a genuine shot from a ball-busting scene or not. It would seem crazy if it was, but I’ve learned that it’s a big wide world, and some people player harder than I can ever imagine. I remember one pro-domme telling me about a ball-busting scene she’d done where the skin on the client’s penis split and peeled back. Given I was naked, bound and very vulnerable at the time, it was a story that really that caught my attention. Her amazing follow-up comment was that the guy hadn’t wanted to stop. Erect and bloody, he wanted to keep the kicks coming. That’s a level of masochism I have trouble relating to. And for everyone out there now wondering what the hell they just read, I can only apologize for implanting that particular mental image.