Photograph – Page 165 – Femdom Resource

The ambiguity of power

I’m currently reading Staci Newmahr’s Playing on the Edge: Sadomasochism, Risk, and Intimacy. It captures some interesting data but it’s a frustrating book. I’ll dig into why that is in a future post. For the moment I want to tackle one very specific phrasing that caught my eye. It’s on the subject of power in BDSM scenes and how it’s described.

Power and control are obviously significant parts of BDSM play and the author is careful to qualify them with terms such as ‘apparent’ and ‘illusion’. In describing the various phases of a scene (negotiation/play/aftercare) she wants to make it clear that what’s being constructed is an elaborate facade. A type of theater where the actors themselves have to suspend their disbelief. I should add that this isn’t unique to this book. A lot of academic BDSM books adopt similar descriptions, presenting it as an insight into the underlying reality that the players themselves don’t acknowledge.

I always find this approach a very facile one. It ignores the complexity of power in other situations and reduces the value of the descriptive term. Outside of kink we’re happy to use descriptions of power in a nuanced way, without the need for heavy qualifiers. For example, we would be comfortable describing the CEO of a company as having power. He has a degree of control and a corresponding freedom that his employees don’t have. That doesn’t mean he can do anything. It also doesn’t mean that his employees have no options. They can always quit and walk away from their job. But we don’t feel the need to describe his power as illusory just because he requires a degree of cooperation from those who wish to work for him.

To pick another example, when describing the dynamics of a conventional relationship, people will often use terms related to power and control. Those dynamics can play a role in all sorts of relationships, not just D/s ones. Yet nobody feels the need to say something like – “His wife is really in charge of vacation planning, she makes all the decisions. Although of course it’s only an illusion of control because he could always leave her if he wanted.” The second part is implicitly understood, but it doesn’t make the first part any less true.

When I’m stripped, bound and gagged in a BDSM scene, I’m giving up control and relinquishing power. There’s no illusion or suspension of disbelief necessary. I don’t get to control where she puts that needle, where the cane lands, where she puts the but plug (although I can probably guess in that case). The fact the dominant doesn’t have absolute power doesn’t make it an illusion of power. Yes, I can stop the scene at any time and walk away. I can also quit my job at any time and walk away. Neither fact means I’m the one with the power.

It seemed appropriate to finish with a shot featuring a classic demonstration of power – the hand to the throat. This is from the Divine Bitches site. I originally found in on Thy Queendome Come tumblr.

Journalism fail

See if you can spot the problem between the title of this article and the data presented. Apparently the author, Amanda Chatel, can’t tell the difference between an absolute value (as implied by the title) and a relative value (as measured by the survey). Based on this approach, a town than went from 1 to 2 kinky people would be kinkier than a town that went from 1000 to 1500 kinky people. I know most journalists find anything beyond grade school mathematics confusing (see any recent mainstream economics discussion for proof of that), but this is pretty poor even by their conventional low standards.

Personally if I had to pick the kinkiest town in the US, it would be between San Francisco and New York. Given that SF is considerably smaller, it would probably get the nod based on a percentage of population estimate. With that in mind, I’ll finish with a shot of San Francisco’s own Vinyl Queen. This image is from her tumblr and features tickle torture. That’s a love/hate activity for me. I often think about putting it on my hard limits list, but I do perversely enjoy the fact that many dommes seem to love tormenting me with it.

Should you wish to be tickled or otherwise tormented by Vinyl Queen, her professional site is here

The delicate sounding of slaves

Domina Victoria Rage has a very informative post up on the subject of sounds. If you’re thinking of trying this type of play, it’s well worth reading.

I’m always surprised by how a lot of guys react to the idea of sounds. It’s often described as edge play, and seen as an intense masochistic activity. In reality it’s a very sensual and stimulating sensation. If it’s painful then you’re doing it wrong and should stop. As Domina Rage says, the idea is to let gravity do all the work. The sounds is simply supposed to slide in under it’s own weight. Nothing should be forced. Both the invasive act and the stimulation of the nerve endings makes it very enjoyable.

I’d add just two things to Domina Rage’s post. Firstly, drink some water beforehand and pee afterwards. That’ll flush out any lube left in the urethra. Secondly, don’t assume penis size is related to urethra size. I think I’m relatively well endowed, but I can only accept smaller sounds. I’m always amazed what some guys can take when I look at the range of sound sizes. Start small and experiment to see what works for you.

Both images come from the CBT and Ballbusting site.

Life Lessons

I always appreciate a day that I end wiser than when I began it. Today for example, I learned that one should never schedule an appointment at a dermatology clinic the day after a BDSM scene. Particularly a scene you began by confidently declaring – “Oh, marks? No problem. Do whatever you want.”

It wasn’t as if I’d forgotten about the following days appointment. There were some minor red patches on my ankle I’d be meaning to get checked out for weeks. I just figured since it was only my ankle, a doffed sock and a rolled trouser leg would do. I figured wrong. A fact that was made obvious the moment the orderly threw me one of those skimpy backless hospital gowns to put on. Apparently my first visit required a proper inspection, no matter what my protestations to the contrary.

In the event I got not one but two doctors carefully scrutinizing me from head to toe. Two attractive, efficient and forceful female doctors in white coats. I did think that when the second one turned up that you really couldn’t have scripted it better. As the basis for a farce, sitcom, drama or adult movie, whatever you preferred, it worked for all.

Amazingly, despite their careful inspection, they didn’t query my bruises at all. I was fully prepared to plead the medical fifth on the cane marks down my back and the obvious clamp marks on my nipples (from these), but the issue never arose. That makes me suspect they’re either very bad doctors who missed the marks entirely, or very good doctors who knew exactly what the marks were. Given that they identified and queried a tiny insect bite on my wrist and a small mole on my shoulder blade, both of which were pretty hard to spot, I’m going to assume the latter. I’ll now endeavor to resist my urge to test the theory by getting even more obviously marked for any return visits.

The image comes from the Divine Bitches site. From left to right, that’s Madison Young, Mistress Madeline and Bella Rossi. I found it on the Femdom Style Counsel tumblr.

Real Sex

The Vulture site is carrying an interesting article on the old HBO show Real Sex. I was amazed to discover it first aired back in 1990 and ran for almost 20 years. I didn’t encounter it until I moved to the States in 2001 and, based on the frank manner it addressed sex, had always assumed it was of a fairly recent vintage.

It was by no means a great show. Although the article claims they aimed to be sincere and to laugh ‘with’ and not ‘at’ the people involved, I always detected an undercurrent of cynicism. Beneath the veneer of education and illumination there were clearly elements of titillation (ok with me) and mockery (not so good). However, all that said, I think it still was a net positive in helping people talk more frankly about their sexual interests. For example, this post from D. Hubby directly references the effect an episode on spanking had on his life.

One particular part of the interview that caught me eye was this quote…

It was always a challenge for us to find good-looking people. It’s certainly true of nudists, but a lot of people doing weird sex stuff are not necessarily young and attractive.
Katie Smalheer, associate/coordinating/supervising producer, 1996–2005

I think that’s a very telling comment. It could be taken to mean that people doing ‘weird sex stuff’ are unusually unattractive.The reality is that this media filtered view of the world is incredibly biased. Visual attractiveness is a valued commodity, particularly when nakedness is involved. Almost all commercial visual media picks from a tiny pool of conventionally attractive people. People into ‘weird sex stuff’ are simply a normal cross-section of the populace, and that clashes with the narrow selection criteria we normally expect for naked people on film. Our perception of what is acceptable or normal is horribly skewed.

I don’t have a particularly great image to use for this post, so I’ll finish with the kind of scene that I’m sure Real Sex would have loved to feature. That Miss Eve from the Young Dommes site.

Group bondage

I’m not quite sure if this should be described as an orgy of rope bondage or a rope bondage orgy. Either way it’s an unusual and entertaining image from the talented ladies at Dudes in Distress. I particularly like the vibrant colors in the shot, as well as the facial expressions of the men.

You can see the original full size version of the image here.

Signs of getting older

I’m not talking about signs of getting old you understand. Just older. While I’m still in still in the prime of my life (stop sniggering at the back), there is the occasional indication that I’m not as young as I used to be. Hangovers that still haven’t dissipated by 11am. A tendency to think that athletes look much younger than they used to. And media kerfuffles over artists and art that I’ve never heard of.

The latest example of that final category is somebody called Robin Thicke. He apparently has a hit song called Blurred Lines (warning very non femdom content), that has been attracting criticism for its rape-y lyrics. It’s a point of view that’s hard to argue with once you listen to it.

The reason I mention it here at all is this pastiche by the Seattle troupe Mod Carousel. I ran across this a couple of days ago, at a time when I’d never heard of the original. The funny thing was, even though I had no idea what it was based on, I instantly recognized this as a parody and knew exactly what the original version would look like. The cultural markers and gender stereotypes are so strong that the parody works with or without the original. And while I like the alternative version a lot, that’s a pretty sad indictment of both the original and the culture around it.

The CFNM style of the parody gives me a good excuse to finish with a CFNM image. I’m really not sure what’s going on here, but like the video, this image made me smile. The two expressions couldn’t be more different.

I found the image on the CFNM classic tumblr. I’m afraid I couldn’t track down an original source.

QOTD

Given the length of the last few posts, I’ll keep this one short and pithy. The quote of the day is:

Anyone who thinks a woman who’s being paid to cane and sodomize people is vulnerable and exploited? Has never caned and sodomized anyone.

That’s from the twitter feed of Mistress Matisse. Feel free to discuss that amongst yourselves.

I was hoping to finish with an image featuring both a cane and a strap-on. Unfortunately I couldn’t find anything I liked, so I’ll double down with an image for each. In both cases the ladies in question seem to be tending less to the exploited and more to the happy.

The first image has had the watermark annoyingly chopped, but I believe it’s from Young Dommes. I found it on the Who’s Sorry Now tumblr. The second image is from the Strapon Dreamer site. I found it on the Pegging with a Smile tumblr.

And that’s magic!

Can you trace the origin of your kinks or fetishes? Assuming that you have any. Although if you don’t, you’ve chosen a really odd site to browse.

The NY Magazine article discussed in yesterday’s post on the origins of people’s kinks, talked a lot about triggers and formative events. Things from childhood that could be directly linked to a later sexual preference. It would seem that some fraction of kinky people have very clear triggers, some can point to a range of influences but no single thing, and others have absolutely nothing in childhood to point at. In the comments to the post Miss Margo mentioned that a lot of her clients can identify triggers, while Vista represented the kinky person without that genesis moment.

Personally I’m in the same camp as Vista. I don’t have anything I can point to that twisted me kinky. However, I can very clearly identify the moment when I first showed interest in a kinky thing. Cue a wibbly wobbly screen and swirly special effects as I take you back thirty (ahem) or so years to a much younger paltego…

I grew up in a tiny village. It was basically two streets, one shop, a village hall and (since this is England we’re talking about) two pubs. This was a time when the internet was still the arpanet and British television consisted of 3 channels. Any kind of organized live entertainment was therefore a big deal. There was the occasional village fête, a Christmas carol concert, an agricultural show, etc. Then one year, when I was around 5 or 6 years old, somebody organized a variety show in the village hall. I can’t remember most of it. It was probably the usual amateur song and dance acts with a bad comedian thrown in for good measure. But there was also a magic act. And that act has stayed with me to this day. It was very traditional. Card tricks. Linking rings. Endless streams of colorful handkerchiefs. And a woman in a sparkly costume getting sawn in half (actually the Zig Zag Girl trick). It was this final trick that particularly transfixed me. I can still remember my excitement as she climbed into the box and the magician tied things around her wrists and ankles. She was constrained, in peril, sacrificial and yet willing. He took away her control, yet she seemed to enjoy it.

From that moment on I always kept an eye out for magic acts and escapologists on television. There was something I found very enticing about the ropes, chains, padlocks and perilous situations that featured in their acts. But it wasn’t till I hit puberty, and discovered the idea of bondage (via my parents copy of The Joy Of Sex), that I had my ‘Aha!’ moment. I certainly don’t think the magic act I saw as a child was formative. The wiring was already in place, because it excited me in a strange way the instant I saw it. The discovery of kink just helped me to understand why I’d found that particular act in an otherwise long forgotten village show so compelling.

It was surprisingly hard to find a magic themed femdom shot. A lot of the equipment for elaborate magic tricks looks awfully similar to the contents of most dungeons, yet there seems to be very little direct cross-over. In the end I turned to the prolific Servitor and this amusingly captioned picture. The ‘magician’ in question here is the lovely Lexi Sindel.

I hate balls!

Not me personally. I quite like my balls. They get in the way now and again, but I’ve no personal desire to be neutered. The hatred in this case comes from Katherine Heigl. As she explains in this very amusing video, they’re dangly and disgusting and males are better off without them. I suspect the little sad look she gives at around the 50 second mark, when discussing the difficulty of neutering men, will be fantasy fodder for a decent fraction of my male readers.

Of course neutering does have its downsides. For one thing it removes a bunch of densely packed and sensitive nerves that are ideal for torture. For another, the fiendish humbler device, as shown in the image below, becomes sadly redundant.

This image has been manipulated (in the usual tumblr fashion) but I believe it’s originally from Amber’s Dungeon. I found it on the Under My Heel tumblr.