Tag: Humor

Bucket Lists

I’m not sure if I should be entertained or depressed by this article on ‘Sexual Bucket Lists’. On the one hand, it makes me feel like a crazed hedonist pushing the boundaries of sexual depravity. Which, given that I’m perceived by my friends as a quiet introvert who doesn’t date much, makes me smile. On the other hand, unless they were surveying a bunch of nuns, I feel bad for the people the lists were based on.

Using a sex toy and and using flavored lubricant both feature as bucket list items for women. How can a fantasy that is literally an Amazon one-click away, be a bucket list worthy item? Expedite the shipping and you can nail 20% of your fantasy list before the weekend. And after you’ve used your phone to place that order, call your partner up and tick off the phone sex fantasy at the same time. Do it in the bath and you’ve nailed 40% of the list without leaving your house.

In fairness, at least the women’s list contains bondage and blindfolds, which is a little more risque. The #1 item on the men’s list is car sex. How is that still a thing? I can just picture the scene – “Hey honey, you know what’d be great? Let’s leave this comfy bed and go get it on in the back of the minivan! It’ll be cold, uncomfortable and full of rubbish from the kids – just the way we like it.” Plus, who doesn’t own or have some sort of access to a car? I get how arranging a threesome can present a logistical challenge, but how hard is it to call Hertz?

I should at least give credit to the men who listed anal sex as their #3 thing to do before they die. There’s still a lot of mainstream stigma around the idea of male anal pleasure, so it’s cheering to know there are plenty of men out there who are up for a good hard pegging.

I’m afraid I’ve no idea who the artist for this is. As always, if you can help me attribute, feel free to leave a comment.

5 bed, 2.5 bath, 1 dungeon

My social media has recently been full of the story of a real estate listing for a house just outside Philadelphia with a large and well equipped kinky basement space. Sadly Zillow and Redfin have both removed the interesting photographs from the listing, but this Vice article managed to capture them before they were pulled.

What I particularly liked was this interview with the Realtor – Melissa Leonard. I’m not sure I want to buy a house in this location, despite how amazingly cheap it seems compared to Seattle, but I’d love to use Melissa on any real estate deal I need to do. She definitely has the chutzpah you need in a negotiation.

The other thing that made me smile was all the mainstream non-kinky people commenting that it was a real faux-pas to have a white dungeon. As I’ve posted here in the past, for a lot of kinky people, white is the new black.

While I wouldn’t knock the color scheme, the placement of the whipping frame here seems kind of odd. It’s an interesting pentagram design, but there doesn’t seem run to swing a single tail properly. Hopefully the new owner will swap it with the spanking bench from the main room, which I think would be a far more logical use of the space.

A Brief but Very Expensive Session

I really enjoyed the Wonder Woman movie, but the panels below make me think I should also investigate some of the more recent comics. It’s from Sensation Comics featuring Wonder Woman #20 and you can see more of the surrounding panels from this scene here. It seems to be a very fun take on the character. Of course thanks to FOSTA, Craigslist has already dropped its personals section, so I guess a major felony is now the only way to get beaten up by Wonder Woman. So much for these new laws cutting down on crime.

I originally found this via a tweet from Alice in BondageLand.

A Not So Magical Elixir

I think it’s fair to say that a lot of men have an inflated and illogical opinion of the importance of their penis. Nothing else can explain the amount of time and energy that goes into jerking, edging, pumping, photographing, locking up, boasting about and  sticking objects into them. If anyone ever invents a way to harness all that activity, we could solve the world energy crisis overnight.

After years spent in the sketchier parts of the internet, I thought I’d seen every possible male dick delusion. Of course, the world is always a weirder and more wonderful place than you can ever imagine – as this story about an Irishman with back pain reveals. He thought his penis had magical healing properties and spat forth a mighty elixir to cure his ills. More specifically, he thought that injecting his semen into his arm would cure his lower back pain.

I’d love to untangle the thought process behind this. Did he just think his dick was like a magical lamp, and rubbing it would produce a solution to all his problems? Or was there some solid scientific thinking behind it based on stem cells? After all stem cells therapy is a treatment, and stem cells come from embryos, and semen is involved in making embryos – so was he just cutting out the middle thing-that-might-end-up-a man? I also like the fact he was injecting his arm rather than the actual site of the pain. Doctors typically use the arm for inoculations and blood tests, so clearly he was just following conventional medical practice there. Wouldn’t want to do anything too crazy.

Perhaps my favorite part of the whole story was a doctor who “described the case as “unique” and said it demonstrated the risks of innovative treatments that are relied upon prior to clinical research in the form of phased trials.” Of all the things this case demonstrates, the need for proper clinical trials before injecting yourself with semen is probably not the take away I would have gone with.

Alice (from Alice In BondageLand) is clearly taking no chances here. With all powerful medicines it’s advisable to fit a tamper-proof lid and store them in a safe place. I think this household should be safe enough from an inadvertent semen overdose.

The Secret of German Football Success

Imke Wübbenhorst is a professional football manager in Germany, and the first woman to coach a men’s team at the fifth division level. As a former player for the U-19 German national team I’m sure she has many of the attributes needed to make a good coach. One of them is clearly not taking any shit from journalists. In response to a stupid question about wearing a siren so the men might know when she’s approaching the locker room, she came back with:

Of course not. I am a pro. I pick [my team] on dick length.

I just hope the next player she drops from the team has a thing for SPH. Because I’m pretty certain his team mates are going to being making the obvious joke about why he didn’t make the cut.

Dick Dilemma

I always enjoy discovering something that is simultaneously entirely new to me and, at the same time, completely obvious in hindsight. That sense of being surprised and then cynically not surprised at all is somehow very satisfying. My latest example of this in action is a tweet by Bastienne Cross, quoted below.

Forced Bi Fans: SERIOUSLY FUCK OFF WITH YOUR DICK PICKINESS. Either be willing to pay more for me to hire a professional for you or SUCK WHATEVER FUCKING DICK I PUT IN FRONT OF YOUR MOUTH.

You’d think that the point of a ‘forced bi’ scene would be to deal with an unwanted dick situation, but of course fantasy and reality have a way of diverging in unexpected ways. While I sympathize with Mistress Cross, I do think there’s a lot of comedy potential in the scenario. I picture the submissive going from “Oh no, please don’t make me Mistress. That’s so dirty” into “Oh no…jeez, what the fuck is that? Wow. Like seriously. You think I’m sticking that in my mouth?”

As is often the case – when you want reality to match your fantasy, hire a professional to make it happen. Good looking cocks don’t often show up for free.

I’m afraid I don’t know where this image originates from. However, I would say it’s a fair bet that most of Bastienne Cross’ force-bi fans would not complain if this particular dick was presented to them.

Coming down the wrong chimney

If you celebrate Christmas then let me wish you a happy one. If you don’t, then let me wish you a happy Tuesday and add that all this festive nonsense will be over in just another day.

As someone who spends his Christmas at home, getting together with local friends, I’m always entertained by the twitter #DuvetKnowItsChristmas tag. Nothing is guaranteed to make me feel better about my travel plans (or lack of them) than seeing the terrible sleeping arrangements of strangers at Christmas.

I believe this is by the artist CoaX.

Imagine the Spinoffs

It is generally said that all technology innovation is either driven by sex or quickly co-opted for sexual purposes. Apparently, at least according to this SMBC comic, the telegraph was no exception. Perhaps morse code should be a new mode option for Tens units?

As an interesting but sad historical sidenote – Samuel Morse was actually inspired to explore rapid long distance communication after his wife died and he missed her final days and burial. Heartbroken that he’d not been informed of her failing health, he set himself to create something faster than a man on a horse carrying a letter.

Fear at the Front Desk

I have a secret fear of checking out of hotels. Particularly if there’s a big line of people at the desk. Each time as I go to slide across the key, I give a little nervous smile and try not to catch the hotel employee in the eye. I always picture them fiddling around on their computer and then saying “Ahhh, yes sir. You were in that room. We’d be obliged if you didn’t make any future bookings at our hotel.”

I’m obviously shocked at this statement, but as I start to protest they look me straight in the eye and loudly say “You know what you did. We all heard the noises! The young couple in the next room were most disturbed. We told them the screams were just a loud horror movie you were watching, but I know what that young lady was doing to you! You should be ashamed.”

Of course this has never happened and almost certainly never will. If hotels barred people for getting a little freaky in their rooms, then they’d have a lot of empty hotel rooms (with some exceptions). But that doesn’t stop me getting just that little bit nervous and sweaty when it comes time to pay the bill.

My most recent reason for this fear was an opportunity to play with Miss Margot of NYC in my hotel on the last full day of my trip. We had a blast, indulging in all sorts of great kinky activities. Like most NYC hotels the room was pretty small, but unlike most hotels, the bed had all sorts of useful tie points to take advantage of. That fact, combined with Miss Margot’s skills and travelling bag of rope and toys, made for a great way to spend a final afternoon in Manhattan. Hopefully we didn’t scare the other guests too badly.

This photograph of Margot doesn’t exactly fit my femdom theme, but I liked it so much I wanted to share it. It was taken by @ohgodwhy_me and shared via Margot’s twitter feed.

Miss Margot actually works as a professional switch, offering sessions as a bottom, sub, top or domme. I checked very carefully before leaving Seattle and, despite looking under the bed and down the back of the couch, still couldn’t find my dominant side. However, if you lean switchy and are looking for a versatile professional in NYC then you should definitely check out her site. And if you also fear the hotel front desk, I’m sure she could arrange a playspace for two of you.

And Now For Something Completely Different

I’ve been watching episodes from the original Monty Python television show (1969-74). The films and the famous sketches are now a familiar part of modern comedy culture, but it’s interesting to go back and look at the original work it all sprang from. The classics are still there of course, together with a fair number of gems that never quite made it beyond the TV episodes and a lot of dross that is probably best left forgotten. One thing that stands out in hindsight is their inability to write for women. Carol Cleveland does the best she can, but she’s basically used as an attractive prop. The guys got dragged up for any more interesting female roles.

I mention all this here because of a particular sketch –  Marriage Guidance Counselor. I remember watching this as a young teenager and being strangely and strongly aroused by it. Admittedly, I was a young teenager in the days before internet porn, so the set of things that I found arousing was pretty large. A breeze striking my trouser region at the right angle would have worked, so Carole Cleveland in a low cut top definitely did the trick. However, there were a lot of other sketches featuring her or similarly attractive actresses, and none of those stuck in my mind like this one did. In hindsight, I wonder if the cuckold element resonated with me? It’d weird to think that, because at the time I had zero idea about kink, let along something as complex as cuckolding. Yet perhaps the fundamental idea of sex twisted by betrayal and denial was already lurking in my psyche? Was it a proto-kink waiting to be named and understood? Or was it was just that low cut top all along?

This is the beautiful Carol Cleveland herself, obviously in a non-Python promo shot.