Tag: Humor

Squelch, Squelch

Writing my previous post on Happy Memories, in particular that last quote taken from a tease and denial session, reminded me of one of the most unusual and entertaining things I ever heard from a domme.

This happened several years ago, in another session with a heavy skew towards tease and denial. The domme in question possessed both great beauty and a very sexy Eastern European accent. She had me wrapped tightly in leather and was whispering about all the things I would like to do with her but never would. I had to imagine what it’d be like to fuck her. How tight, hot and amazing she’d be. And then she added the sound effects – wet, slippy, fappy sex sounds – by using saliva in her mouth with her tongue pressing tightly against her palate and teeth. Squelch. Squelch. Squelch.

I’m sure we’ve all made funny sounds in the same way. You can get an impressive array of odd wet squirty noises. I just never imagined them being used in a BDSM session as a sex sound effect. I have to admit, it was actually kind of hot. Part of wanted to laugh, part of me was impressed at the creative, but most of me was in the animal brain mode of “Oh God, yes. Fuck yes.” A couple of hours of heavy bondage and teasing with a devious domme will do that.

Here’s an image of a more typical use of spit in a kinky scenario. Based on the watermark, I believe this is from Mavrin Studios.

A New Take on the Easter Bunny

Personally I don’t celebrate Easter. I’ve no children and no belief in God. However, if I did decide to partake, then having a lady deliver me an Easter egg stuffed with pornography would be a pretty good starting point. That was the plan of a woman in Florida who allegedly wanted to educate people. You’d think people would be grateful for some entertainment while they’re stuck in quarantine at home but apparently that’s not the case, as she’s now been arrested.

There’s not a lot of good femdom themed Easter imagery, with the possible exception of the bizzare but entertaining photograph I posted last year.  For this years post I’ll go with an image Mrs Athena De Sade – very much from Belgium and not Florida  – shared on her twitter feed. This is her with a beautiful but subdued submissive bunny.

You can see more from Mistress Athena on her website. She primarily sessions from an Antwerp location.

Things to be grateful for

The latest War and Peas comic captures a fun looking take on a quarantine situation. Reading, eating, masturbating and kinky board games seems like a pretty good combo to me.

It makes me wonder how many people have taken this opportunity to do longer term scenes. On one hand it seems like the perfect setup, given isolation and no chance of surprise guests. On the other hand, the necessary ingredients will be hard to come by. You need the right people together, the appropriate dynamic, the emotional stability, the space to do it in and the right equipment. Personally I’d love to shut my brain off and use kink to space out of this world for a few days. I just lack approximately all of those necessary ingredients.

From this tweet.

Satana

Yesterday, while I was hiding at home from a worldwide pandemic, I was first hit with an earthquake (not in my State, but I certainly felt it) and then, just minutes later, an intense hailstorm. Meanwhile, over in Africa, they’re being swarmed by locusts. Can we please figure out what we’ve done to piss God off and fix it? Personally, I’m betting that it’s evangelicals letting Trump get away with identifying as Christian. That has annoy the almighty.

Alternatively, if God has decided to take a vacation, can we figure out the next supernatural entity inline and cut a deal? For example, I bet there’s no end of guys willing to be sacrificed to Satana. Particularly if she’s wearing that outfit. Just don’t let any of the current idiots in charge do the negotiation, or we’ll all end up burning in a lake of fire in return for 2% off the top rate of tax.

F-cking Magnets, How DO They Work?

In a totally non-kinky aside, I enjoyed this story about a man’s misadventures with magnets. Apparently it’s possible to simultaneously be a very smart Doctor of Astrophysics and have all the common sense of a five year old with a nostril sized toy. I particularly liked the attitude of his partner, who took him to the hospital where she worked on the basis that her colleagues would all enjoy a good laugh.

His description of the scene reminded me of the magnetic ball clamps that can be used to create similar but more deliberately painful effects. My experiences with them in the past engendered a certain degree of sympathy to his plight. If anyone out there really enjoys really severe pinching and tight clamps, I’d recommend investing in the magnetic variety. Just don’t get them anywhere near your nose.

Finding images of femdom featuring magnets proved somewhat tricky. So here’s Mistress T adopting a slightly more old fashioned approach to applying a squeeze.

Hanging on the Telephone

Here’s a final post in my short series on making connections with pro-dommes in the pre-internet era. This is a photograph of what I’m sure was the expectation/hope in every submissive’s mind when he plucked a card from a phonebox and got up the nerve to dial (quite literally) the number. A fabulous domme clad in full fetish gear, whip in hand, just waiting for his call. That’s very different to today of course, where the submissive assumes the domme will be checking her email, while clad in full fetish gear, whip in hand, just waiting for his message.

I’m afraid I don’t have any background on the image. I found it via this tweet by mrunderheel. I’d guess it’s from the late 70’s or early 80’s.

In Olden Times

Yesterday’s post reminded me of two excellent blog posts from 2019 on meeting pro-dommes in the pre-internet era. This one by the UK based Sardax (complete with some lovely illustrations) and this one from the New York of Irv O. Neil. I think both give a fascinating glimpse into what was obviously a tricky and fraught process.

My favorite tale from those days was one that I remember reading on MaxFisch years ago. I can’t find the original post, or remember who wrote it, but the details stuck in my mind. The submissive in question had set up a session via a phonebox card and ended up in a dingy London basement with a lady who didn’t in any way resemble her ad. Nevertheless, he persevered through a lackluster session, which was supposed to culminate in a golden shower. The lady had insisted on a blindfold for this, which obviously wasn’t too effective, as he spied her taking a teapot and trickling the warm contents over his head. Now pee does have certain tea like tannic notes, but I’m not sure that a pot of PG Tips was exactly what the submissive in question was paying for.

If tea must be involved in kinky play, this is clearly a far superior way to do it. The artwork is by the aforementioned Sardax in a piece commissioned for Mistress Diana Von Rigg.

Snow and the 7 Submissives

This fairy tale is brought to you by the artist Ludwig Van Bacon. I think he does a great job of translating the various personalities while adding a kinky slant. I particularly like Grumpy, with his butt plug tail. The nipple tape crosses are an interesting if odd touch. Gimp suits, leashes and chastity devices are fine, but nipples must be covered?

You can see and buy more from the artist at his site and twitter feed.

A Stroppy Server

Apologies if you tried and failed to access the site in the last day or so. All the tiny electronic wizards that carry my wise words down to your phones and computers went on strike. I did file a ticket with my hosting company, but I guess that one of their customers sites being totally offline doesn’t rate as an important issue. Presumably I’d need my server to actually explode and burn down their data center to get a timely response on a weekend. I finally managed to get the tiny wizards back into line by rebooting everything, so we’ll see how long that lasts.

Talking of frustrating and annoying situations – it’s tax season in the US. Even a masochist like myself struggles to eroticize that kind of pain. However, I was happy to see this article in the NY Times about Mistress Lori the Tax Domme. She specializes in tax preparation for anyone in the adult industry. While the US government might do everything it can to make life difficult for sex workers, that’s still not going to stop them demanding a share of their earnings. They really should change the motto on the dollar bill from ‘In God We Trust’ to ‘Fuck you. That’s why.’

Oddly enough, while I don’t use Mistress Lori for my tax returns, I do use an accountant recommended to me by a pro-domme. I figured if they could handle her complicated returns, they should have no problem with mine. So far that logic seems to have worked out pretty well. I just wish I could figure out a way to write off my session tributes. Medical expenses maybe? They do feature a lot of needles, sutures, electroshock and prostate exams.

I’ve never actually met my accountants, as everything is handled over email, but this is definitely how I picture them when I send in my paperwork. Given my horrible financial organization, this look of scorn, pity and disappointment would not be unwarranted.

This is from Femme Fatale Films, featuring Mistress Eleise and Mistress Miranda. It’s from a scene called ‘Not Good Enough.‘

Valentine Splat

Call me Mr. Grouchy, but I really hate Valentine’s day. If you’re in a new relationship it’s a pain to figure out what the right thing to do is. If you’re in an established relationship then it’s a fake event designed to artificially force romance. And if you’re not in a relationship, then it does nothing but make you feel bad about that fact. It’s up there with New Year’s eve as an overly hyped event that nobody enjoys as much as they think they should. Like I said – Mr Grouchy.

This image from Bakerman at least looks like a fun way to celebrate it. I’m not into sploshing or food play, but I’d happily take a cake in the face from a kinky lady over an evening jammed shoulder to shoulder in a restaurant charging twice their usual rates.

This was originally published by Bakerman for Valentine’s day in 2017.