Tag: Humor

Lockdown

I’m sure most readers have already seen the story featured in today’s post. It’s been covered in the tech press, the mainstream press and sex blogs. It even popped up on Colbert’s Late Show. Yet I feel I really couldn’t hold my head up high as a femdom sex blogger if I didn’t mention the Bluetooth enabled chastity device that has a horrible security flaw. Apparently during penetration testing (huh huh) security researchers discovered that attackers could take control of the lock, as well as scan for contacts and location information.

From the tech perspective, I think this is the kind of hacking story we should get used to seeing. It’s getting cheaper and cheaper to add this technology into products of all types. There are lots of small companies springing up making specialized internet enabled devices and security is hard to get right and hard for end users to understand. That inevitably makes it a low priority for the manufacturers.

From the sex perspective, there seems to be a bit of a disconnect between the reporting and what chastity device users normally say. The mainstream articles suggests you might require heavy duty angle grinders to escape. What I’ve read in the past from chastity device users is that pretty much any device is removable if it doesn’t involve a piercing. Give it enough lube and wiggling and the male genitals are capable of  Houdini-esque feats of escape.

This drawing – featuring a far more traditional device – is by The Smutty Rogue.

Cuck Jr.

About one hundred years ago I wrote a post on how the kink of cuckolding had been co-opted by the right wing as a form of insult. Given the hypocrisy and projection that emanates from that group, it was inevitable that one of their own would be caught in a real cuckolding scandal. That’s now happened with Jerry Falwell Jr, as reported here by Reuters. Allegedly Jerry liked to watch while his wife had sex with a much younger and more virile man named Giancarlo Granda.

The media and late night comedians obviously saw this story as manna from heaven. A place that, based on his own beliefs, Jerry will presumably now struggle to qualify for. What struck me as surprising was how keen comedians were to emphasize they were not kink shaming. Colbert did a very fun bit on the story, but repeatedly stopped to emphasize he was attacking the hypocrisy, not the sex. I think ten or fifteen years ago the story would have been much more about laughing at the weird freaks and their strange kinks. So, progress?

While the story coverage has been extensive, with the inevitable links to the grifter-in-chief, I do think the media are missing a major piece of it. Namely, what exactly is Jerry’s kink? Is it a genuine cuckold scene? A hotwife scenario? A voyeurism kink? I hope for his sake that humiliation is at least part of it, because he’s getting no shortage of that right now.

This shot is from the Subby Hubby site, specialists in cuckold material. I’m sure the handsome and viral pool boy is just about to enter from stage left.

Pegging Across State Lines

Social distancing requirements have thrown up a lot of complex questions for kinky people who play with those outside their social bubble. Should you wear masks? Does it even help to wear a mask if you’re inside and in close proximity for hours? Should you tailor activities to minimize face to face contact? What period should you leave between play partners? These are challenging issues to navigate.

Fortunately, for at least the pegging lovers, there might be a simple answer to these questions. Somebody out there thought long and hard about all these problems and came up with this, the socially distanced strap-on. No need for glory holes or hazmat suits. Now you can peg someone from across the room. Possibly even from the next room.

I thought at first this was a joke, but there’s actually an indiegogo project for it. For anyone into infeasibly long fake dongs, and who doesn’t feel like duct taping a dildo to a broom handle, this might be just what you’re looking for.

Dreams

I’ve reached that stage of kinky deprivation and social isolation that my dreams are starting to get strange. I’m probably just a few weeks away from storing my urine in jars and replacing my shoes with tissue paper boxes.

Last nights dream was particularly special. I’d rented a big holiday home for my friends and extended family. In reality the idea of holidaying with my extended family would be insane, but that’s dreams for you. Everyone had gone on a daytrip, and I’d used the opportunity to hook up with a local domme at the house. It wasn’t any specific domme I know, just a generally hot, fun and kinky person my crazy brain dreamed up and put a big ‘domme’ label on. Our shared energy was great and my anticipation was almost unbearable.

She’d pulled on a strap-on harness over her regular clothes, attached an enormous white dong and then headed downstairs to get a drink of water. Pegging is thirsty work. I was running around getting towels and lube, when my cousin walked past the bedroom door. With a horrible sinking feeling I realized my family had all returned ahead of time. I rushed downstairs to find my parents talking to the domme in the kitchen. They were having one of those happy, chatty ‘It’s lovely to meet you, heard so much about you….’ type conversations, while the domme is standing there with an enormous white dong bobbing on her crotch. Everyone is being very polite and very British, while desperately trying not to look at it. Then I woke up.

The funny thing was that my waking emotion wasn’t embarrassment or frustration. It was anger. I was incredibly pissed about everyone coming back early and ruining my scene.  Those inconsiderate bastards. It took me a couple of minutes to center myself and realize the whole thing was just my brain screwing with me.

This isn’t quite the dong in question – the dream one was  a lot bigger and more obvious – but the general outfit and attitude lines up. This is of course the great Nina Hartley shooting for the crashpad series.

You Will Respect my Authority

I couldn’t do a sequence of bullying themed posts without featuring something from Servitor. While I sort of enjoy bullying in the abstract, he seems like someone who definitely enjoys it in the actuality. His site features a fair number of bullies, with these two ‘schoolgirls’ (from this post) being an excellent example.

The odd thing about school bullying fantasies is that – in my experience – there was very little cross gender bullying. I’ve seen a lot of dommes post about how they bullied guys as teenagers, but I think that must reflect a tiny fraction of the actual bullying that goes on. The cute girls were sadly too busy being mean to each other to pick on me.

Time Killers

One of my guilty pleasures during quarantine has been reading the Reddits Relationships and Am I the Asshole. They’re very moreish, alternately amusing and enraging, particularly when consumed via the twitter versions @redditships and @AITA_reddit. They offer a filtered ‘best of’, with quick and easily browsed postings.

My favorite in recent days was this story featuring a bride with a bizarre wedding night ritual. While most newly married couples simply depart for their honeymoon after the wedding, this bride’s family expects them to consummate the marriage while the clan gathers outside the bedroom door. Then they all cheer when the happy and slightly sweaty couple emerge. Some of the bed linen is kept to add to what can only be described as a family fuck blanket.

It’s an insane tradition that nobody should ever follow, but it does make me wish the bride and groom would take the chance to turn the tables on their nosy relatives. They could arrive at the door with bags bulging with rope, coiled leather implements and jiggly rubber outfits. Make the relatives wait for an hour or two outside while creating lots of strange and disturbing noises. Then, just when they think it’s all over, have the bride pop her head out the door and say – “Sorry. We’re totally in the zone here. Killer scene. Could one of you pop down to the kitchen and bring me some clothespins and the big wooden spoon? Also, maybe the big bottle of Crisco?” That should clear the corridor of her parents and cousins pretty quickly.

I’m guessing this image has been cropped to remove the watermark, but I’m fairly certain it’s originally from The English Mansion.

Crating

I’m not sure how I missed this Reductress article on crating your boyfriend when it first came out in 2017. It’s obviously not a serious article, but it is perfectly inline with what I want for this blog – funny, kinky and weirdly hot.

I don’t have any great crating images, but this one does have a nice puppy and collar theme going on. I imagine the crate is just out of shot.

I feel I should know this artist, but annoyingly I don’t have an attribution. As usual, if you can help with that, please leave a comment.

Updated: Thanks to a helpful comment, I can attribute this to the artist zblabla. You can find more of their work on DeviantArt.

Squelch, Squelch

Writing my previous post on Happy Memories, in particular that last quote taken from a tease and denial session, reminded me of one of the most unusual and entertaining things I ever heard from a domme.

This happened several years ago, in another session with a heavy skew towards tease and denial. The domme in question possessed both great beauty and a very sexy Eastern European accent. She had me wrapped tightly in leather and was whispering about all the things I would like to do with her but never would. I had to imagine what it’d be like to fuck her. How tight, hot and amazing she’d be. And then she added the sound effects – wet, slippy, fappy sex sounds – by using saliva in her mouth with her tongue pressing tightly against her palate and teeth. Squelch. Squelch. Squelch.

I’m sure we’ve all made funny sounds in the same way. You can get an impressive array of odd wet squirty noises. I just never imagined them being used in a BDSM session as a sex sound effect. I have to admit, it was actually kind of hot. Part of wanted to laugh, part of me was impressed at the creative, but most of me was in the animal brain mode of “Oh God, yes. Fuck yes.” A couple of hours of heavy bondage and teasing with a devious domme will do that.

Here’s an image of a more typical use of spit in a kinky scenario. Based on the watermark, I believe this is from Mavrin Studios.

A New Take on the Easter Bunny

Personally I don’t celebrate Easter. I’ve no children and no belief in God. However, if I did decide to partake, then having a lady deliver me an Easter egg stuffed with pornography would be a pretty good starting point. That was the plan of a woman in Florida who allegedly wanted to educate people. You’d think people would be grateful for some entertainment while they’re stuck in quarantine at home but apparently that’s not the case, as she’s now been arrested.

There’s not a lot of good femdom themed Easter imagery, with the possible exception of the bizzare but entertaining photograph I posted last year.  For this years post I’ll go with an image Mrs Athena De Sade – very much from Belgium and not Florida  – shared on her twitter feed. This is her with a beautiful but subdued submissive bunny.

You can see more from Mistress Athena on her website. She primarily sessions from an Antwerp location.