Bigly

Everyone knows of Rule 34.  No matter what you can think of, somebody, somewhere, has made porn of it. I’d like to propose a Rule 35. No matter what you can think of, somebody, somewhere, has tried to shove it up their ass.

The latest example of anal play gone spectacularly wrong comes from Italy, where a man (and it’s always a man) managed to lose a 23 inch toy in his colon. Getting it out proved to be quite a medical challenge, and involved a combination of medical wire and catheters.

I guess it’ll at least give him a good anecdote to use the next time he’s with his buddies and trading war stories of accidents and injuries. I can just picture the scene – “You think that’s bad? Did I ever tell you about the time the doctors had to invent an entirely new tool to go fishing in my asshole? It all started one night with a 2 foot sex toy and a industrial sized tub of lube…”

This is not (as far as I know) the sex toy in question. However, I do imagine that Miss Marilyn’s expression resembles the look on the doctors faces when they finally extracted the toy in question. You can see more of Miss Marilyn at her clips store. My thanks to Jim for the original link to the story.

Freshly Squeezed Delivery

My thanks to Sardax for pointing me at this perplexing but amusing tweet. The translated version of the caption that accompanies the image below is…

Fresh! Immediate distribution! We will deliver a freshly squeezed pee of freshness with one pee delivery phone! Why not deliver the rich urine of the cute girl to the place of hope?

Who among us can say that they’ve never secretly wished for the  delivery of fresh pee from a cute girl to their place of hope? Although my last known place of hope was located somewhere before November 2016, so they may find the address a bit tricky to find.

I wonder – is the delivery ‘created’ fresh on your doorstep by the cute girl as this image suggests? Or is the cute girl elsewhere and instead a grumpy 20-something delivery dude shows up on a bike with a bottle in his knapsack? Because in the latter case, I might be suspicious that the pee in question had been created less by a cute girl and more by the sweaty dude in an alley around the corner. Provenance would seem to be an important factor in the pee delivery business.

Sadly, for anyone hoping for golden showers on demand, this is actually a movie from the Office K’s company.

X Marks the Spot

I’m continuing the toilet theme with a tweet that made me laugh. This is from the twitter feed of e.b. cotenord. She’s a Chicago based companion who also offers fantasy and fetish scenes.

I didn’t steal your man.

I peed on him and that made him mine fair and square. To get him back, you just gotta pee above my spot.

That’s just how love works.
I don’t make the rules.

Frankly, I only wish dating were that simple. The dry cleaning bills might get a bit steep, but who wouldn’t want to replace those tricky where-do-you-think-this-relationship-is-going talks with watersports fun?

Clearly this man has been popular, as she’s having to pee very high up to claim him. Presumably when you reach the scalp, the next spot circles around back to the feet again?

There’s no watermark, but I suspect this is from the Russian Mistress site.

Can’t argue with science

I’m generally not a fan of news stories that poke fun at scientific studies. You probably know the sort of article I mean. In between all the lifestyle pieces on how chocolate, red wine or sleep  is good or bad for your health, lifespan or sex life, there’ll be a mocking article on how money is being wasted on silly studies. Any scientist today wanting to study finch beaks, hot mud or mold in dirty lab equipment, better be prepared for the tabloids to attack them as out of touch boffins who waste tax payer money.

All that said, let me now mock this study of online dating. It discovered the ground breaking fact that attractive people are attractive. Apparently, people on dating sites tend to try and gets dates with people more attractive than they are. Given that good looking people are used to attract us more ordinary folks to movies, clothes, music and just about every service and product in the known world, it’s hard to see why anyone thought dating would be different. Did they think people be stupid enough to fall for hot models in commercials, but then suddenly get all realistic and pragmatic when it came to their own dating lives?

Other astonishing results included the fact that men tend to be more active about messaging women, and that women get a higher response rate from their messages to men. I assume there next area of study will be if women like being send dick pics or if pornography can lead to masturbation.

I’ll end the post with an image of someone who definitely qualifies as highly attractive, and I’m sure would happily ignore any number of messages from people like myself on a dating site. This is Adreena Angela, a UK based pro-domme and model.

Willing to be Entrapped

What is it with Russia and the sexy red headed female spys? First there was Anna Chapman and now we’ve got Maria Butina. Has the FIS been watching too many James Bond movies? I guess if you’re going to corrupt American democracy, you might as well look good while doing it.

With this in mind, if there are similar Russian operatives still in the US, I’d like to announce that I know … lots of super important classified stuff. I might not be involved in politics, or defense, or election monitoring, or indeed anything apparently relevant, but trust me on this, I’ve got like dozens of top secret things in my head. I’m totally worth entrapping in a cunning erotic plot by a sexy female spy. She may even have to interrogate me. Tell her to pack nipple clamps and lingerie, but leave the thumb screws at home. Mild kink with a dose of sensuality is absolutely the best way to get inside my pants head.

The first image here is Anna Chapman and the second is Maria Butina.

The Pits

The story of a company selling advertising space on people’s armpits popped up onto my radar over the weekend. The idea is that the advertisement becomes visible when people grab hold of overhead straps on public transport.

I like this story for two reasons. Firstly, armpits are sexy. Definitely an underrated bit of the body. Secondly, its strikes me as a brilliant bit of guerrilla marketing. Not the general concept I hasten to add – pretty sure that’s bullshit. But the ad agency in question – Wakino –  has managed to get itself and its first and so far only armpit ad customer a lot of free PR. That first customer just happens to be an underarm hair removal product. So rather using a regular advertising campaign with models to get customers, they claimed to have created a whole new (silly) advertising vehicle, got a lot of free press coverage from that, and as result their company and their customer got a lot of eyeballs. It’s very meta.

This is Mistress T advertising nothing except the beauty of her own armpits and feet. I believe this is from her twitter feed.

False Advertising

Bacchus, over at ErosBlog, has been quite rightly mocking a porn shoot that promises a cock being disciplined with the following lines…

I am going to be disciplining Rob Piper’s humongous black cock. You know where I’m gonna start? With that big black cock up my ass! I can’t wait to take that cock in all my holes.

I’m sure Mr Piper’s cock is just going to hate that. It’ll probably get all big, angry and throbbing after being disciplined in such a terrible way.

Of course, while this is a particularly egregious example, a lot of BDSM play exhibits a touch of this. It’s briar patch syndrome – Oh please don’t dress up in that sexy outfit and gently whip me (not too hard!) with that soft leather flogger. It’d be terribly cruel if you were to use that strap-on and – down a bit, no not there, careful, oh yes, oh yes! – brutally penetrate my helpless body with it.

In reality, a close-up of a disciplined cock isn’t all that sexy. For example, Mistress Tess tortured mine a few weeks back. Needles and electricity were involved. We shot a picture, but only look here if you’re OK with genital piercing pictures. I had a lot of fun, but I’ll be the first to admit it’s not the kind of close-up image that’ll sell a lot of porn subscriptions. The shot below is a bit more visually appealing while at least having a slightly more believable cock discipline theme. I bet it’s loving it really though.

I’m afraid I don’t have an attribution for this image.

Pooh’s Hole

I stumbled across a post today that made me laugh and feel bad all at the same time. Obviously, in those circumstances, the only logical thing to do is share it with thousands of people – so here you go.

The bad part comes from linking anal sex to beloved childhood classic. As a child I never watched the Disney version of Winnie-the-Pooh, but I loved and read repeatedly the original books that featured illustrations by E. H. Shephard. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to remember this particular chapter in quite the same way again.

On the funny side, I think it does capture some of the varying emotions of anal sex. I’ve had a few dicks in my time, and a lot of more strap-ons, and it can definitely be a roller-coaster of sensations. There are moments of “OMG! This is awesome!” The occasional “Ouch! Jeez. Not like that.” And of course the dreaded “Uh-oh..what just happened down there? I hope that’s lube…”

I’ll leave you with what seems like an appropriate image in the context of the original link. Although I guess this is more appropriate for a Piglet than a Pooh.

There’s no watermark, but I believe this is Mistress Silver, a UK based pro-domme. She has a professional site here and a twitter feed here.

Sometimes you know they’re the one

This cute image is by the French artist Arthur De Pins. As I’m someone who is a romantic at heart (buried beneath a deep layer of cynicism), this makes me all gooey inside. If only real life was as simple.

The artists official site is annoyingly flash heavy, but available here should you wish to deal with that. I discovered it via this tweet.

Winter Sports

I think most non-kinky people would consider water sports to be fairly ‘out there’ as far as sex acts go. Yet I’m looking at this winter sport, and thinking its making a little splash of hot urine look pretty good in comparison. Definitely more relaxing and comfortable than a faceful of icy snow.

I found this via a tweet. Despite digging around online, I’ve not managed to find a source or story behind it.