The Secret of German Football Success

Imke Wübbenhorst is a professional football manager in Germany, and the first woman to coach a men’s team at the fifth division level. As a former player for the U-19 German national team I’m sure she has many of the attributes needed to make a good coach. One of them is clearly not taking any shit from journalists. In response to a stupid question about wearing a siren so the men might know when she’s approaching the locker room, she came back with:

Of course not. I am a pro. I pick [my team] on dick length.

I just hope the next player she drops from the team has a thing for SPH. Because I’m pretty certain his team mates are going to being making the obvious joke about why he didn’t make the cut.

Dick Dilemma

I always enjoy discovering something that is simultaneously entirely new to me and, at the same time, completely obvious in hindsight. That sense of being surprised and then cynically not surprised at all is somehow very satisfying. My latest example of this in action is a tweet by Bastienne Cross, quoted below.

Forced Bi Fans: SERIOUSLY FUCK OFF WITH YOUR DICK PICKINESS. Either be willing to pay more for me to hire a professional for you or SUCK WHATEVER FUCKING DICK I PUT IN FRONT OF YOUR MOUTH.

You’d think that the point of a ‘forced bi’ scene would be to deal with an unwanted dick situation, but of course fantasy and reality have a way of diverging in unexpected ways. While I sympathize with Mistress Cross, I do think there’s a lot of comedy potential in the scenario. I picture the submissive going from “Oh no, please don’t make me Mistress. That’s so dirty” into “Oh no…jeez, what the fuck is that? Wow. Like seriously. You think I’m sticking that in my mouth?”

As is often the case – when you want reality to match your fantasy, hire a professional to make it happen. Good looking cocks don’t often show up for free.

I’m afraid I don’t know where this image originates from. However, I would say it’s a fair bet that most of Bastienne Cross’ force-bi fans would not complain if this particular dick was presented to them.

Coming down the wrong chimney

If you celebrate Christmas then let me wish you a happy one. If you don’t, then let me wish you a happy Tuesday and add that all this festive nonsense will be over in just another day.

As someone who spends his Christmas at home, getting together with local friends, I’m always entertained by the twitter #DuvetKnowItsChristmas tag. Nothing is guaranteed to make me feel better about my travel plans (or lack of them) than seeing the terrible sleeping arrangements of strangers at Christmas.

I believe this is by the artist CoaX.

Imagine the Spinoffs

It is generally said that all technology innovation is either driven by sex or quickly co-opted for sexual purposes. Apparently, at least according to this SMBC comic, the telegraph was no exception. Perhaps morse code should be a new mode option for Tens units?

As an interesting but sad historical sidenote – Samuel Morse was actually inspired to explore rapid long distance communication after his wife died and he missed her final days and burial. Heartbroken that he’d not been informed of her failing health, he set himself to create something faster than a man on a horse carrying a letter.

Fear at the Front Desk

I have a secret fear of checking out of hotels. Particularly if there’s a big line of people at the desk. Each time as I go to slide across the key, I give a little nervous smile and try not to catch the hotel employee in the eye. I always picture them fiddling around on their computer and then saying “Ahhh, yes sir. You were in that room. We’d be obliged if you didn’t make any future bookings at our hotel.”

I’m obviously shocked at this statement, but as I start to protest they look me straight in the eye and loudly say “You know what you did. We all heard the noises! The young couple in the next room were most disturbed. We told them the screams were just a loud horror movie you were watching, but I know what that young lady was doing to you! You should be ashamed.”

Of course this has never happened and almost certainly never will. If hotels barred people for getting a little freaky in their rooms, then they’d have a lot of empty hotel rooms (with some exceptions). But that doesn’t stop me getting just that little bit nervous and sweaty when it comes time to pay the bill.

My most recent reason for this fear was an opportunity to play with Miss Margot of NYC in my hotel on the last full day of my trip. We had a blast, indulging in all sorts of great kinky activities. Like most NYC hotels the room was pretty small, but unlike most hotels, the bed had all sorts of useful tie points to take advantage of. That fact, combined with Miss Margot’s skills and travelling bag of rope and toys, made for a great way to spend a final afternoon in Manhattan. Hopefully we didn’t scare the other guests too badly.

This photograph of Margot doesn’t exactly fit my femdom theme, but I liked it so much I wanted to share it. It was taken by @ohgodwhy_me and shared via Margot’s twitter feed.

Miss Margot actually works as a professional switch, offering sessions as a bottom, sub, top or domme. I checked very carefully before leaving Seattle and, despite looking under the bed and down the back of the couch, still couldn’t find my dominant side. However, if you lean switchy and are looking for a versatile professional in NYC then you should definitely check out her site. And if you also fear the hotel front desk, I’m sure she could arrange a playspace for two of you.

And Now For Something Completely Different

I’ve been watching episodes from the original Monty Python television show (1969-74). The films and the famous sketches are now a familiar part of modern comedy culture, but it’s interesting to go back and look at the original work it all sprang from. The classics are still there of course, together with a fair number of gems that never quite made it beyond the TV episodes and a lot of dross that is probably best left forgotten. One thing that stands out in hindsight is their inability to write for women. Carol Cleveland does the best she can, but she’s basically used as an attractive prop. The guys got dragged up for any more interesting female roles.

I mention all this here because of a particular sketch –  Marriage Guidance Counselor. I remember watching this as a young teenager and being strangely and strongly aroused by it. Admittedly, I was a young teenager in the days before internet porn, so the set of things that I found arousing was pretty large. A breeze striking my trouser region at the right angle would have worked, so Carole Cleveland in a low cut top definitely did the trick. However, there were a lot of other sketches featuring her or similarly attractive actresses, and none of those stuck in my mind like this one did. In hindsight, I wonder if the cuckold element resonated with me? It’d weird to think that, because at the time I had zero idea about kink, let along something as complex as cuckolding. Yet perhaps the fundamental idea of sex twisted by betrayal and denial was already lurking in my psyche? Was it a proto-kink waiting to be named and understood? Or was it was just that low cut top all along?

This is the beautiful Carol Cleveland herself, obviously in a non-Python promo shot.

Kinky Kayaking

I’ve posted in the past about the mainstream news using any excuse to work ‘dominatrix’ into a story headline as clickbait. Typically it’s a random and lazy fashion story like here.  However, this time I really have to give credit to the Maritime Herald, because they had to get seriously creative for this one – A ‘Dominatrix’ Seal Whips a Man Using an Octopus Like a Whip. Whoever came up with that should  be snapped up by a British tabloid, because their ‘skills’ are being wasted at the Maritime Herald.

You might have already seen the story in question. It was one of those cool nature videos that go viral on social media. Basically a seal decides to use a man as a suitably heavy object to bash an octopus against. It takes some real journalistic imagination to jump from there to a dominatrix seal. How do they know it was female seal? Do seals have kinks? If they do, why would they involve humans? Did the octopus have a safeword? Is it bestiality if the guy enjoyed it? So many questions…

Unsurprisingly, there aren’t many image featuring seals as dominatrices. So I’ll go with a sexy vintage scuba shot. Not sure how practical this is, but it’s certainly appealing. Maybe it’s this kind of outfit at the beach that’s given us kinky seals?

Open for Submissions

A thoughtful reader sent me a link to an amusing short film – Open for Submissions.  It’s only 6 minutes long and was apparently made in just 48 hours for the Instant Films festival in 2001. It’s not laugh out loud funny, but has nice a gentle slice of life humor to it.

I suspect it might generate two different reactions between kinky and non-kinky people. The non-kinksters will smile at the intended juxtaposition of regular daily life with strange kinky behavior. There’s conventional romantic expressions played off against very unconventional behaviors. In contrast, I think a lot of kinksters might look at it and go – “Oohhhh, that’s so sweet! What a great dynamic. Why can’t I have a relationship like that one?”

I wonder if the original writer (Gerald McClanahan) intended that duality?

It was directed by Charles Papert and the actors are Amy Jo Traicoff and David Holcomb.

Kinky Food Porn

After two posts on serious subjects, I think it’s time for something more lighthearted. This video from Comedy Central has been popping up all over my twitter feed and made me laugh. It takes the conceit of food porn and adds a kinky angle, with a dominatrix who really does enjoy playing with dominating her food. It’s not often you see someone sensually sliding a butt plug into fruit. I particularly enjoyed the exploding watermelon trick. How have I never know about doing that before?

Bigly

Everyone knows of Rule 34.  No matter what you can think of, somebody, somewhere, has made porn of it. I’d like to propose a Rule 35. No matter what you can think of, somebody, somewhere, has tried to shove it up their ass.

The latest example of anal play gone spectacularly wrong comes from Italy, where a man (and it’s always a man) managed to lose a 23 inch toy in his colon. Getting it out proved to be quite a medical challenge, and involved a combination of medical wire and catheters.

I guess it’ll at least give him a good anecdote to use the next time he’s with his buddies and trading war stories of accidents and injuries. I can just picture the scene – “You think that’s bad? Did I ever tell you about the time the doctors had to invent an entirely new tool to go fishing in my asshole? It all started one night with a 2 foot sex toy and a industrial sized tub of lube…”

This is not (as far as I know) the sex toy in question. However, I do imagine that Miss Marilyn’s expression resembles the look on the doctors faces when they finally extracted the toy in question. You can see more of Miss Marilyn at her clips store. My thanks to Jim for the original link to the story.