Femdom Resource – Page 204 – The beauty of dominant women

Lazy blogging

I have to admit that I’m not always the best organized blogger. Some people have multiple posts and drafts lined up in their queue ready to go at the push of a button. I typically have a bunch of thoughts, a few random images, and a glass of wine to work with. Sometimes they come together. Often they don’t. When I’m stuck and it’s late at night, I turn to some of my favorite tumblrs for inspiration. I figure if I can find a good image I’m 80% done already.

One of those ‘go to’ tumblrs is the Happy BDSM one. A feel-good photograph of a grin and some kink is always an easy one to blog about. I was therefore perturbed to browse it tonight and discover a whole bunch of my old posts popping up on it (all with the correct attribution). Did nobody tell these people that they’re where I go for images? It doesn’t work if it’s the other way around. It’ll end up as an infinite loop of reposting with zero added value, much like the Huffington Post. Somebody has to do some actual work here, and I’ll be damned if it’s going to be me.

Anyway, while the Happy BDSM folks sort themselves, out, I’ll leave you with the kind of image I was hoping to find and steal from them. This was actually from the Kaisub blog.

I feel that I should be able to track an original source for this image. It looks like something from a professional shoot, but nothing pops up on a Google reverse image search. The Japanese style genital blurring is also kind of odd for what looks like a Western image. Anyway, if anyone can help me attribute it, then please leave a comment.

Crazy for you

Continuing the theme of artwork and fictional characters, here’s Bellatrix Lestrange (from the Harry Potter series) as illustrated by Chris Ables. I’ve never actually read the books, but I do appreciate the sentiment. The crazy evil characters are always the most interesting ones in any story. Doesn’t matter if it’s Hannibal Lecter, Malificent, Blofeld or the Joker. Conventional evil is simply unpleasant and quickly dispatched by the hero. Crazy evil is fascinating and always gets to return in the sequels.

You can find more of Christopher Ables’ work on his site.

Alter ego

Catwoman has not been treated kindly by the movies. Anne Hathaway played the character beautifully, but got stuck with an incoherent sprawling mess of a movie. Michelle Pfeiffer looked fabulous in her latex outfit, but got stuck with another incoherent mess of a movie. In both cases the the respective directors (Christopher Nolan and Tim Burton) turned in their weakest movies when they incorporated the catwoman character. Clearly attractive women with whips have a detrimental effect on screenwriters and directors.

On the plus side the movie characters have resulted in a lot of great fan art. This particular take on the Michelle Pfeiffer version is by hotcake on deviant art.

The common man’s guide to bad books

The growing mainstream visibility of BDSM has led to a burst of kinky novels, guides and memoirs. A particularly active niche within this growing category has been the pro-domme autobiography and how-to guide. In theory this should have led to a lot of exciting reading. Anyone who has chatted to an experienced pro-domme will know they have many great stories to go along with their technical skills and insight into the complexities of human sexuality. In reality the results have been pretty mixed, with most books being, shall we say, less-than-great.

The latest contender is The Posh Girls Guide to Play by Alexis Lass aka Domme Dietrich, as featured in this NY Post article and this MF thread. It’s a kind of guide and memoir combo deal. The good news is that it’s not in that less-than-great category. The bad news is that it’s much worse than that. Admittedly I haven’t read the whole thing, but the look inside feature on the Amazon site told me all I needed to know.

I could probably deal with the juvenile writing style that reads like a cross between a teenager’s diary and a Cosmo article. The frequent mentions of her posh upbringing is weird, but I don’t think that would ruin it for me. I could even cope with her crass attempts to tie the whole things into the awful 50 shades trilogy. But some other things are just too annoying to ignore.

You might think that a book by a pro-domme would feature some positive thoughts on female domination. Even if the book covered a variety of gender and D/s combinations, surely the F/m one should be there somewhere, right? Yet no. As far as I can tell (both from the book and her interviews) it automatically defaults to the conventional submissive female role. The only submissive males are laughable clients in the commercial dungeon. Write about female submission by all means, but don’t act like it’s the goddam natural order of the world.

Next on the list of the “You’ve got to be kidding me…” was this gem.

S&M is archaic and rusty term that does not represent all or most popular dominant and submissive roleplay …. [We’ll have] nothing plucked from the psycho torture toy chest. This guide is intended for adventurous, whole and healthy women…

Well fuck you very much lady. A lot of us like a little S and a touch of M. And we don’t appreciate the implication that we’re not whole or healthy because of it. You’re drawing a bunch of arbitrary lines between what’s kinky and cool and what’s weird and deviant. I think I must have missed your nomination as ultimate ruler of acceptable kink. Is it to late for me to vote?

The final gem that almost made me laugh out loud was the guide to who the book is for. Apparently if you answer yes to just one of these questions, then BDSM is for you…

6. My lover and I are fighting too much, and it’s taxing our relationship.
7. I would love to tone down the stress in my life.
8. I am a dominant female and I’m wondering how it would feel to be relieved of control and play a submissive role in a ‘tryout’ play experience.

Yes, that’s right – if your relationship isn’t working out, and you’re fighting a lot, then clearly the best thing to do is to get ropes, gags and whips involved. That applies even if neither of you have any interest in BDSM. Just go ahead and get your kinky freak on. There’s absolutely nothing that could possibly go wrong in that situation. As for (8), I refer you to my earlier comments. Obviously if you’re a dominant female who brought a book by an ex pro-domme expecting some suggestions on female dominance, well more fool you. You probably deserve a good spanking.

The image is the author in question – Domme Dietrich. I might not appreciate her writing, but I have to admit she does look fabulous in a black corset.

Kerfuffle in the blogs

One of the things I enjoy about blogs is watching opinions and discussions ripple out across them. As a medium they exist somewhere between a newsletter, a diary and a conversation. The dynamics are complex and I’m often surprised by what posts will sink without a trace and what will trigger a storm of discussion and controversy.

One recent example of this was a post by that well known troublemaker Ferns on the subject submission, consent and the D/s dynamic. That was followed by this post by kinkinexile taking issue with the definition of dominance used. That provoked maymay into a series of posts written with his usual tact and subtlety on the theme that ‘Dominants are Rapists’. You can read them in chronological order as post 1, post 2, post 3, post 4, post 5, post 6, post 7 and post 8. That’s a lot of posts, so if you’re short of time then 1 and 6 are probably the key ones to read. Spinning off from all that was this post by Tomio Black and this by gingernic, plus no doubt others I failed to spot.

I was planning to stick my nose into the debate, but for the moment I’ll play the role of the lazy college lecturer and simply throw it out there for discussion. I am, after all, a resource site. Possibly I’ll come back to it in a future post. It should also go without saying that a link here does not imply endorsement of any particular viewpoint. The set of things I find interesting includes many which annoy or infuriate me.

As a meta-comment on the debate itself, I will say that maymay’s case is not enhanced by his tendency to classify the emotional and angry responses generated as proof that he’s getting close to the truth. I could post that all submissives are sad losers who don’t deserve a real relationship and generate a lot of strong responses. That wouldn’t constitute proof that I’d hit a nerve and was onto something. It reminds me of the old joke – ‘Yes, it’s true they laughed at the Wright brothers, but it’s also true that they laughed at Bozo the clown’.

I wasn’t really sure what image to go with here, but seeing as Ferns mentioned chores, I’ll run with that particular theme.

Victoria’s history

I found this recent Slate article on the history of the Victoria’s Secret company interesting. I’d always assumed that fancy lingerie stores were a standard fixture in the boutique shopping areas of most cities. Apparently that only became true in America in the 1980’s when Victoria’s Secret went from a company founded with $80,000 in ’77 to a $1.9B empire by ’95. I was particularly amused by the fact that the founder originally created it because the department stores made him feel like a ‘deviant’ for shopping there and he wanted somewhere for men to be comfortable. I know quite a few dommes where that embarrassment and deviance factor would count as a bonus not a drawback.

Of course this story gives me an excuse to feature a suitably frilly image with a hint of femdom. This is Larisa Fraser shot for Bonprix lingerie.

Comparative stupidity

I’ve not exactly been kind to 50 shades of Grey in the past. Posts like this one and this one have made my feelings pretty clear on the subject. I was therefore shocked to discover an article on the topic that was even dumber than the source material itself.

You’d think that the trilogy would be a God send to the anti-kink and anti-porn brigade. After all it portrays a horribly dysfunctional relationship with many BDSM themes. Taking pot shots at that should be easy, yet somehow Gail Dines in this Guardian article screws it up. She attempts to conflate Christian Grey with an Irish serial killer because – and I can hardly believe I’m typing this – they’re both played by the same actor. On that basis we should assume that Richard Nixon was a serial killer who invented corn flakes. After all, Anthony Hopkins played all three characters (Nixon, The Silence of the Lambs and The Road to Wellville). I guess I should be grateful that someone who holds views so diametrically opposed from my own is such an idiot.

I wasn’t really sure what image to feature with this post, so let’s just go with something elegant and beautiful. Feel free to assume there’s a dominant lady waving a whip just off frame if the lack of overt femdom offends you.

This image is tagged ‘William’ but I’ve failed to locate an original source for it. If you know then please fill me in via a comment.

Bits and pieces

A few different links in today’s post. No particular theme, other than what’s lurking in various browser tabs I have open.

Anyone who enjoyed the image in my post entitled ‘Hope the wind doesn’t change‘ might want to check back on it and read the comments. It turns out the gentleman featured is a reader of the site, and he gave a bit of background to the image of him and his wife. As I mentioned in my reply, that kind of interaction is one of the things I love about this blog. The web can be feel like an endless deluge of impersonal images and writing, so it’s great when I feature something I’ve randomly stumbled across and then make a connection with someone who was involved in creating it.

Sex and food is an old and famous pairing. BDSM and food is a less favored duo, but a Russian company plans to change that with these fetish lollipops. I’m not sure if they’re purely a concept or a real product, but I can’t see them catching on. I like painful food when it’s spicy, but not if it’s simply gouging my mouth out with sharp bits of oddly colored sugar.

Tom and Thumper pointed me at this article on Male Chastity. Despite the judgmental title it’s actually one of the better mainstream articles I’ve seen on the the topic. Shock horror probe as journalist actually researches a topic before writing about it. He’ll never make it to the big leagues.

Finally, it was Halloween recently, which always leads to lots of fluffy articles on celebrities in costumes. It’s a safe bet that kinky outfits will feature, and that both the wearer and the press will make a total hash of it. My favorite example of that this year was Nicole Scherzinger. She went for a submissive catwoman, which makes no sense, and was described in this article as ‘a dominatrix sex kitten slave’. I’d think that any journalist with an IQ above room temperature would figure out that a dominatrix is the opposite of a slave, but obviously the hiring standards for the Daily Star aren’t that high.

At least the catwoman theme gives me a chance to feature an image of somebody doing it properly. This is Colorful-Ayako as photographed by Troy Thomas.

Chestnuts roasting on a high power hair dryer

I thought I’d seen most forms of CBT, but this is a new one to me. I’m not sure if the silver foil is designed to spread the heat, concentrate the heat or simply ensure he bastes evenly in his own juices. Either way it looks like a particularly intense form of torture. On the plus side he might end up with some stylishly coiffured pubic hair.

This is originally from the OWK site. I found it on the Dominalova tumblr.

Autonomy continued

At the risk of making the blog endlessly self-referential, I’m going to continue the theme of autonomy from yesterday’s post, and respond to an interesting comment that was left. You can read the whole thing here but the essence of it was: What about 24×7 mistress/slave relationship that doesn’t use safewords? That is a loss of autonomy, but in the context of a loving trusting relationship. How can that be abuse?

I think the issue of safewords in this context is a red herring. I also don’t use safewords when I play with people I know well. I trust they’ll play safely and respond when I communicate a problem. And in the context of an daily 24×7 relationship it’d be kind of weird to safeword. They’re really a very specific safety mechanism that’s useful when doing particular types of scenes or playing with someone new.

What I think is key is that the slave always has an option to step-back and renegotiate (in the loosest and most general sense of that word). Ultimately they must always have the option to walk away. That doesn’t necessarily give the slave control of the relationship. The dominant might simply say it’s my way or the highway, and that single simple choice to consent might carry a lot of significant implications. But meaningful consent can only come from autonomy – from the ability to make an un-coerced decision. If you don’t have that then you can’t consent. And if you don’t consent then that’s an abusive relationship.

I was going to go on to say that you can never negotiate away the need for consent, but with further thought I’m not sure that’s true. I can conceive of doing it for short time periods. For example, a heavy corporal scene where a submissive agrees to be tied down and given 12 stripes of the cane with no option for escape. That seems a reasonable situation for a submissive to briefly give up his autonomy entirely. It might be painful, but it’s not dangerous, and it’s for a very limited time period. I don’t think it’s reasonable to stretch that kind of agreement for weeks or months. I’m not sure where that line is drawn, but I’m sure there is one.

Of course there is one scenario where a lack of autonomy doesn’t necessarily imply abuse, and that’s if you’re unlucky enough to be caught up in the penal system. Prisons don’t go much for negotiated scenes and safewords. I’m not sure what crime the man below committed, or what police department issued her uniform, but I’m sure justice will be served.

The image is by the very talented artist Vernice61. I believe she’s saying ‘And drink it down!”