My safeword post from last week generated a number of thoughtful comments. The general consensus seemed to be that simple open communication was a good way to go and that safewords didn’t need to be particularly original.
poe2600 raised the interesting point that most submissives are very resistant to using safewords, even when they probably should. I think there’s a good deal of truth in that, although there always exceptions. I remember one pro-domme telling me about a client who she call the traffic light guy. He thought he should accompany their entire session with a constant stream of ‘green… green… yellow… green… yellow… red! red!… yellow.’ Needless to say that wasn’t exactly conducive to a good D/s dynamic. Exceptions aside, I think it is true that there’s a natural inclination to try and avoid breaking the flow of play with a safeword. Which makes for another good reason to use your words and communicate in a more graduated and subtle way than a simple go/stop approach.
The trickiest situations for me are those where I see a possible problem arising later in the session and have to make a judgement call on when or if to call it out earlier. Typically this is when complex bondage and layered sensations are involved. For example, playing in NYC earlier this year I had a situation involving some particularly painful nipple clamps, a straitjacket and a lot of leather straps. Nipple clamps are usually painful going on and off, but become numb when on. These were not reacting like that. The pain was high and not diminishing, but it wasn’t yet at my stop point. However, the domme was about to tighten the straitjacket over them and I could see a lot of leather straps ready to go around it. Adjusting the clamps when they were hidden under all those layers would be a significant undertaking.
My solution in these situations is always the same – given the domme the information and leave the decision to her. I might be misreading her plan and adjusting later will be easier than I expect. Or she might prefer to push on and deal with any adjustments if it becomes necessary. In this case I told her that they were intense and bearable for a short period, but possibly not something I could handle over an extended period. She then elected to swap them for a different pair before pulling all the bondage into place. The remainder of the session then unfolded flawlessly.
These situations are always tricky because they’re not a simple binary choice. I also don’t want to be another traffic light guy and overload the domme with feedback. It’s ultimately a judgement call based on the the likelihood of needing to adjust something and how difficult it looks like that adjustment will become.
I’m fairly certain this shot of bondage and nipple torture is of Domina Yuki. That’s not me in the photo, but I’ve done a very similar scene in that space.
The traffic light guy. LOL
Another thought provoking post.
For me, the #1 reason I don’t want to ‘safeword’ is because if the activity / level is something that the domme wants or enjoys……I want her to have that. Her presence, planning, and executing a scene is truly a gift.
Now, with that said, for all of the possible activities that could take place during session……..obviously there is a degree of “liking” each activity for both the submissive and the domme. So, again, even for type of activity, I partake, even if it is not my most liked and preferred activity. And through this, I have broadened and further defined my portfolio of likes / dislikes and degree.
Example – bondage. I love bondage hard and tight bondage with my body in compromised positions for other activities. By hard and tight – I mean piping and chains with my body exposed and distorted. Not such a fan of soft sacks, bags, nets, soft strapping with my body fully encased and linear. And then combine the hard and tight bondage with other activities, and the session typically goes “off the charts” good.
Another example – sensory depravation – I tend to session for longer periods (16-24 h0urs) of time for a single session, so it is impossible to do all favorites for the entire span of time. Once, after some really intense activities, she put me in a sack – horizontal on bed, hooded, blindfolded, ear muffs with relaxing and groovy music. The timing and outcome was just perfect for that moment. I needed that at that moment. So, two activities (sensory depravation and soft bondage) that are not my favorite – worked in conjunction to be absolutely perfect at that moment.
She knows my favorites. She knows what makes me tick. She knows to push limits. She knows to be creative and employ new things.
She is the best!
It’s great when you get that kind of connection and chemistry to make a scene. Takes time to build and develop, even when you’re starting from a good point of mutual understanding and compatibility. Congrats for getting to that point!
Although I will say for me personally, even when I’m in that sort of space, I’ve still had times when I’ve needed to course correct with feedback. Sometimes a body can just be weird. I’ve almost fainted doing stuff that normally is OK. Or had a weird headspace or physical reaction that just caught us both unawares. Great dommes can read a lot of that from body language of course, but the extra check-in has been useful for me. Even sometimes works the other way, my reaction has been too strong, and I need to clarify that it actually wasn’t as bad or painful as I initially suggested via my reaction 🙂
-paltego