Cosmo has an article out on picking and using a safeword. I’m going to go ahead and say that if you need help to pick a safeword, then BDSM probably isn’t for you. It’s only going to get a lot more complicated from that point onward. Maybe start with a good therapist to address your chronic indecisiveness and/or lack of imagination before getting the rope and whips out.
I also think it’s strange how all these articles assume beginners are starting off with heavy consensual non-consent scenes or elaborate roleplay scenarios.
The minute you’re starting to feel uncomfy is the exact moment when you should go ahead and holler whatever safe word you and your partner chose to go with.
Obviously you could do that, but how about using your words? I’ve done hundreds of scenes, some of them pretty intense, and I don’t think I’ve used a safeword a single time. That has never stopped me communicating a wide variety of issues. In fact I think it’s quicker to say something like “I’m feeling faint” than it would be yell a safeword and then explain what’s going on.
I’m not saying you shouldn’t have a safeword. It’s good to have a single unambiguous stop button that brings everything immediate to a halt. But that’s not necessary for most scenes and most problems. Common issues that make people uncomfortable are pinching bondage, awkward positions, tingly fingers, anxiety, a bad fantasy headspace or just too much intensity in the sensations. It’s a lot easier to adjust for these as the scene progresses by communicating as you go rather than by simply stopping everything. Plus, it saves your safeword for those times when something is seriously awry and you want that to be communicated entirely unambiguously.
Let’s hope that these two negotiated a non-verbal safeword before starting this scene. He’s not going to be able to yell ‘Rumpelstiltskin’ with that funnel in place.
Artwork is of course by the famous Jim.
Why would they put the name of the fictional pancake lady on the list of suggestions?
It’s weird how bad stuff can jump out at you when you least expect it.
That is so strange. I totally missed that one when I was reading the article. It’s both really weird and also a bad safeword. You want something much clearer, simpler and punchier than that. Well spotted!
-paltego
I’ve always found the words “Stop Please” to be the most effective safe words. I appreciate that it might not work for those people into role playing but since I rarely do that sort of scene (I’m rubbish at it and normally get a fit of the giggles) it has never really been a problem. Almost everyone I have ever played with will stop if requested and indeed the best ladies are able to spot if I am in proper distress before I have to ask them to desist.
That’s pretty much how I play. I think it’s normally pretty clear from tone and body language the difference between a ‘oh no’ that’s a heat of the moment thing and a ‘No. Stop’ that’s a clear indication of a problem. I don’t mind having a safeword agreed, but it’s a back-up plan, not the first thing I reach for.
-paltego
I don’t really see why a safeword has to be original anyway, so who cares how it’s chosen? Most dommes I’ve visted seem to assume I know that ‘red’ is the safeword and they’re right. Plus, I can’t recall ever needing to use it.
Yes. It always seems to be a thing that preoccupies the writers of articles for the mainstream like this one, when in reality I think most kinky people just use the obvious options like ‘red’ or ‘safeword’. Although I did know of one domme who forced her English and Tory hating submissive to use “Margaret Thatcher” as a safeword. She figured if he said that name, he must be serious about the problem!
-paltego
Great and very interesting topic.
If able to speak in session, open communication both ways is ideal. Just say it. A (good and reputable) domme will know when you say it, and how you say it – that you mean it. And vice versa – a (good and reputable) domme knows what she is doing, and is constantly reading and monitoring the sub. I, and my domme, have both done so in session……and we both want and respect that. It actually makes the bond stronger between the domme and the submissive relationship. I like and value this so much. It leads to better and better sessions over time because we know (and read) each other so well.
So, if unable to speak due to the nature of the session / play – that is when having a (good and reputable) domme is really important because the sub is really, REALLY relying on the domme to read body language, inflection of moans / grunts, and watching what she is doing very closely. This is a good reason to only session with reputable dommes, or be exclusive to a single domme. I guess you could have a non-verbal safeword – like wiggle toes, or bat eyelids – but what if you were blindfolded and you feet were in binding boots? Bet you wish you were sessioning with a good and reputable domme then.
You can’t under estimate the importance of this. Your health and well being are at stake……plus is builds the bond, as previously stated.
Celeste
I think the standard answer for when gags and hoods are involved is a particular coded pattern of grunts. Personally I’ve found that simply thrashing my head around and wiggling my torso is a strong signal of something being awry. I think that’s the universal sign for ‘get me out of here!’
To be fair to the article writer, I think it’s targeted at couples who want to experiment with BDSM, rather than people who have the option to choose a reputable professional. But that makes it even more important to emphasize the importance of communication. As you say, that helps make a connection and leads to better future play. If neither of you are experts then understanding each others headspace and comfort level is key.
I’ve always been impressed at how quickly dommes can read and interpret body language and non-verbal cues. Happy to hear you’ve had much the same experience.
Cheers,
-paltego
I’ve learned that a lot of Subs (even experiences ones) would rather “lose an arm” (metaphorically) than use that safe word. It’s foolish pride, and it’s important safety mechanism that Dommes typically know how to read body language to determine if things are going sideways, regardless of if or not the Sub uses the safe word, or indeed even if the Sub actually can’t verbalize it anymore. I have fallen into that category a few times, unfortunately.
Yes. I think that’s generally true. It can be tempting for a submissive to see using a safeword as a failure to deliver there side of the scene. Not a good way to think about it of course, but understandable. That’s one of the reasons I prefer to use simple words to describe issues rather than the blunter hammer of a safeword.
Sorry to hear you’ve fallen into that category occasionally. I think we’ve all been there. Definitely had times when the domme spotted I had an issue before I could say anything.
Thanks for stopping by to comment!
-paltego