Tag: Humor

Hard Pegged Detective

I’m a big fan of the classic hardboiled detective writers – Chandler, Hammet, Cain, Ellroy, etc. Their gender and sexual politics aren’t exactly woke, and their plots often convoluted, but I love them for their cynical humor and the darkness of the stories.

The glamorous femme fatale entering the detectives office with a plea for help is a staple of the genre. Typically there’s a lot of flirting and smart banter, along with the sense of an unspoken trap that the detective willingly steps into. However, in all the books and films I’ve seen, I don’t remember this classic scene ever turning into a pegging situation. An opportunity missed perhaps? Things never typically work out well for anyone involved in these plots, so maybe a good pegging was what was needed. It certainly would have changed the sexual chemistry for the rest of the story.

This is by the artist Felix Deon  (instagram and etsy).

Great Line or the Greatest Line?

I have to thank Eris Martinet for sharing what might be my favorite chat-up line of all time. I assume it was delivered at a BDSM party and obviously came from a male admirer.

I’ve come to meet you at this party for a free caning. Now would you like to see photos of my Lamborghini?
Via this tweet.

I just love how much is going on and how little self-awareness exists in those few words. It takes real talent to boast about wealth while simultaneously communicating how cheap you are.

For any readers that can’t see the problem then may I also direct your attention to this article – Penis extensions don’t work, study finds. I know there’s no direct connection between these, but I have the feeling that the kind of guy that boasts about his Lamborghini to a domme he just met is also the kind of guy who’d be in the market for a penis extension. It turns out those operations are about as successful as this line was.

This is Miss Martinet (from her social media feed) spanking Mia, who is doubtless a lot more intelligent and courteous in her approach. If you’re interested in being on the receiving end yourself, then Miss Martinet is UK based and specializes in domestic discipline and behavior correction. Her professional site is here. Oddly her contact form doesn’t have a question on it about what vehicle you drive.

Easter Bunny

It’s Easter weekend, so what could be more appropriate than a very sexy Easter bunny image? Presumably this lady didn’t want to mess around hunting for eggs and went straight into torturing the source for their location.

What I love most about this image – among many things – is the nipple clamps on the bunny. I can’t imagine they’re particularly effective over that fluffy suit. Although when you’ve got a chained up giant bunny in a corset and a domme wearing sunglasses in a dungeon, then clearly Mr Logic has long since packed his bags and left town.

I’ve no idea where this is originally from. I found it here.

A Problem in the Pant Department

If you hang out on kinky social media sites you’ll inevitably come across stories of people braving airport security with kinky toys. The best advice I’ve heard for when a TSA agent starts quizzing you on the contents of your toy bag is simply to say “It’s a sex thing”.  That pretty much guarantees they’ll want to quickly drop whatever it is and move on.

Of course that approach doesn’t really work if the toy in question is currently residing in your pants and locked onto your dick – as Thumper recently found out. While airports have strict rules about taking shoes and belts off, chastity devices occupy more of a grey area. Although they do have special TSA locks for luggage, so maybe that could be adopted for dicks? Just make the agent in charge of telling everyone how to put their laptop in a bin also responsible for unlocking  chastity devices and running them through the x-ray luggage scanner. Admittedly you might upset some people re-locking your chastity device on the other side of the security gate, but you could just tell them it’s for their own safety. The contents of your pants are now guaranteed to be safely non-explosive, both literally and metaphorically.

Thumper clearly handed the situation with great aplomb. He was at least fortunate to be in a simple plastic device. The conversation might have been different had he been in something like the steelweeks device below. I think this is very cool, but I wouldn’t want to try and explain it to an uncomprehending TSA agent. The only thing that’d make it more suspicious would be a couple of blue and red wires and a big countdown timer.

This is the Steelwerks Steampunk device.

Missing from Porn

This image by Hazel Mead isn’t femdom related, but I thought it was cute and wanted to share. I had a crazy experience in a Vegas hotel room years that actually managed to combine multiple things from this – banging heads, shyness, struggling to put on the condom and falling off the bed. Even for someone as clumsy as me, it was pretty spectacular. Maybe I’ll share that story in a future post.

If anyone out there with artist talent wants to try and do a similar drawing for kinky sex, I think there’s a lot of ideas to pick from. Some things I’ve never seen in kinky porn but that actually happen pretty regularly…

  • Numbness and pins and needles when in bondage.
  • Taking off the very sexy but uncomfortable and impractical shoes just a few minutes into a scene.
  • Shy bladder when it comes to a watersports moment.
  • Spending a bunch of time trying to get the right position and angle for the strap-on.
  • Deciding that the cool looking hood is just a bit to stressful to handle just minutes after putting it on.
  • Giggling like an idiot when being sprayed with cold antiseptic at the end of a scene.

Bucket Lists

I’m not sure if I should be entertained or depressed by this article on ‘Sexual Bucket Lists’. On the one hand, it makes me feel like a crazed hedonist pushing the boundaries of sexual depravity. Which, given that I’m perceived by my friends as a quiet introvert who doesn’t date much, makes me smile. On the other hand, unless they were surveying a bunch of nuns, I feel bad for the people the lists were based on.

Using a sex toy and and using flavored lubricant both feature as bucket list items for women. How can a fantasy that is literally an Amazon one-click away, be a bucket list worthy item? Expedite the shipping and you can nail 20% of your fantasy list before the weekend. And after you’ve used your phone to place that order, call your partner up and tick off the phone sex fantasy at the same time. Do it in the bath and you’ve nailed 40% of the list without leaving your house.

In fairness, at least the women’s list contains bondage and blindfolds, which is a little more risque. The #1 item on the men’s list is car sex. How is that still a thing? I can just picture the scene – “Hey honey, you know what’d be great? Let’s leave this comfy bed and go get it on in the back of the minivan! It’ll be cold, uncomfortable and full of rubbish from the kids – just the way we like it.” Plus, who doesn’t own or have some sort of access to a car? I get how arranging a threesome can present a logistical challenge, but how hard is it to call Hertz?

I should at least give credit to the men who listed anal sex as their #3 thing to do before they die. There’s still a lot of mainstream stigma around the idea of male anal pleasure, so it’s cheering to know there are plenty of men out there who are up for a good hard pegging.

I’m afraid I’ve no idea who the artist for this is. As always, if you can help me attribute, feel free to leave a comment.

5 bed, 2.5 bath, 1 dungeon

My social media has recently been full of the story of a real estate listing for a house just outside Philadelphia with a large and well equipped kinky basement space. Sadly Zillow and Redfin have both removed the interesting photographs from the listing, but this Vice article managed to capture them before they were pulled.

What I particularly liked was this interview with the Realtor – Melissa Leonard. I’m not sure I want to buy a house in this location, despite how amazingly cheap it seems compared to Seattle, but I’d love to use Melissa on any real estate deal I need to do. She definitely has the chutzpah you need in a negotiation.

The other thing that made me smile was all the mainstream non-kinky people commenting that it was a real faux-pas to have a white dungeon. As I’ve posted here in the past, for a lot of kinky people, white is the new black.

While I wouldn’t knock the color scheme, the placement of the whipping frame here seems kind of odd. It’s an interesting pentagram design, but there doesn’t seem run to swing a single tail properly. Hopefully the new owner will swap it with the spanking bench from the main room, which I think would be a far more logical use of the space.

A Brief but Very Expensive Session

I really enjoyed the Wonder Woman movie, but the panels below make me think I should also investigate some of the more recent comics. It’s from Sensation Comics featuring Wonder Woman #20 and you can see more of the surrounding panels from this scene here. It seems to be a very fun take on the character. Of course thanks to FOSTA, Craigslist has already dropped its personals section, so I guess a major felony is now the only way to get beaten up by Wonder Woman. So much for these new laws cutting down on crime.

I originally found this via a tweet from Alice in BondageLand.

A Not So Magical Elixir

I think it’s fair to say that a lot of men have an inflated and illogical opinion of the importance of their penis. Nothing else can explain the amount of time and energy that goes into jerking, edging, pumping, photographing, locking up, boasting about and  sticking objects into them. If anyone ever invents a way to harness all that activity, we could solve the world energy crisis overnight.

After years spent in the sketchier parts of the internet, I thought I’d seen every possible male dick delusion. Of course, the world is always a weirder and more wonderful place than you can ever imagine – as this story about an Irishman with back pain reveals. He thought his penis had magical healing properties and spat forth a mighty elixir to cure his ills. More specifically, he thought that injecting his semen into his arm would cure his lower back pain.

I’d love to untangle the thought process behind this. Did he just think his dick was like a magical lamp, and rubbing it would produce a solution to all his problems? Or was there some solid scientific thinking behind it based on stem cells? After all stem cells therapy is a treatment, and stem cells come from embryos, and semen is involved in making embryos – so was he just cutting out the middle thing-that-might-end-up-a man? I also like the fact he was injecting his arm rather than the actual site of the pain. Doctors typically use the arm for inoculations and blood tests, so clearly he was just following conventional medical practice there. Wouldn’t want to do anything too crazy.

Perhaps my favorite part of the whole story was a doctor who “described the case as “unique” and said it demonstrated the risks of innovative treatments that are relied upon prior to clinical research in the form of phased trials.” Of all the things this case demonstrates, the need for proper clinical trials before injecting yourself with semen is probably not the take away I would have gone with.

Alice (from Alice In BondageLand) is clearly taking no chances here. With all powerful medicines it’s advisable to fit a tamper-proof lid and store them in a safe place. I think this household should be safe enough from an inadvertent semen overdose.

The Secret of German Football Success

Imke Wübbenhorst is a professional football manager in Germany, and the first woman to coach a men’s team at the fifth division level. As a former player for the U-19 German national team I’m sure she has many of the attributes needed to make a good coach. One of them is clearly not taking any shit from journalists. In response to a stupid question about wearing a siren so the men might know when she’s approaching the locker room, she came back with:

Of course not. I am a pro. I pick [my team] on dick length.

I just hope the next player she drops from the team has a thing for SPH. Because I’m pretty certain his team mates are going to being making the obvious joke about why he didn’t make the cut.