Negotiation in the moment

Miss Margo recently put up a post that got me thinking about scene negotiation. The original post was about a complete absence of negotiation and a bad domme acting non-consensually. I’m not going to talk about that particular angle, as I’ve nothing really to add. If you’re destroying trust and traumatizing your play partners, as seemed to be the case Miss Margo describes, then clearly things are pretty fucked up. Instead I want to look at it from a more positive point of view: How do people negotiate consent effectively within a scene?

Obviously it’s always good to establish limits and boundaries before clothes come off and the whips come out. But it’s not always possible to cover every possible option. A scene is a fluid thing, with an energy of its own. Most people don’t want to script out exactly what will happen. So how do deal with the unknowns and getting consent when rope is flying? I’ve personally experienced 3 general approaches from dommes…

  1. Assume consent, but go slowly with check-ins, and give the submissive plenty of time to stop the action if they’re uncomfortable.
  2. Get consent by asking the question, but do so very much in the context and mood of the scene. I remember one time being asked in a very sultry voice – “Are all these holes mine to fuck?” An affirmative response in that case led to a set of urethral sounds appearing.
  3. Mentally step away from the scene and pose the question in a very straightforward way. This is a big gear change, pulling everyone back into the pre-scene negotiation mood, before switching back into the scene dynamic. In this case the domme might pose the question as “Hey. Quick timeout. It just occurred to me we could incorporate X. Would that be OK, or would you rather not do that?”

I’m sure a lot of people would frown on (1), but I do understand the thinking behind it. In fact it’s the same thinking as (2). It’s trying to maintain the dynamic of the scene. Dommes want to walk the line between negotiation and maintaining the submissive headspace they’ve spent time creating. Sadly, while I understand the desire to do this, I think it’s a big mistake. The right way to go for me is always (3).

In a scene the submissive is typically predisposed to try and obey instructions and help the dominant. That makes it hard to respond to genuine questions that may require a negative response. Whatever happens somebody has to change their mental headspace to deal with the question. It might seem that options (1) and (2) maintain the scene dynamic, but actually they force the submissive to mentally change gears without any help. And that’s hard. At least for me it is.

With approach (3) the domme takes the responsibility to temporarily change the dynamic, as befits her role. It’s easy for her to pull the dynamic back to a discussion of equals before plunging back into the play. I’ve never had a problem getting my headspace back in those situations. I’ve had real problems with negotiations that caught me unawares and left me second guessing my responses.

SoundingSince I mentioned using sounds as a situation where I’ve encountered this kind of on the fly negotiation, it seems appropriate to finish with this image. Given he can’t see what’s coming, I’m hope they discussed it ahead of time. I’m afraid I don’t have a source for this image.

Author: paltego

See the 'about' page if you really want to know about me.

2 thoughts on “Negotiation in the moment”

  1. Hi, paltego!

    It’s always an honor to be mentioned in your blog posts. I only wish that the post of mine you cited was a happier one. šŸ™

    I concur with your sentiments here 100%. In my experience, practically NOTHING will ruin “the mood” in a session faster than springing a new bondage position or sensation/experience on a sub that scares him (in a bad way) or that he finds offensive or unpleasant. And once the mood vaporizes, it’s very difficult to get it back.

    (And also, frankly….I know this may sound odd, coming from a woman, but…as the dominant, obviously I’m the one in the position of responsibility, and I don’t want to be Chester the Molester, you know?)

    Pushing limits can be fun and interesting for both parties, but I think that should happen after familiarity and a deeper degree of trust (which is very erotic, and an important part of power exchange) has been established. That takes at least a few sessions, IME.

    If there is ANY doubt in my mind that the sub might possibly experience something I’m doing to him as bad/scary/distressing/a mood-killer, I always opt for #3, on your list.

    This has never steered me wrong. In fact, I have found that it makes my submissive clients TRUST me more and allows them to relax into their head-space, because they know that I am paying attention to their experience and they are safe with me.

    There have been a few times where I have made assumptions about consent, and it went awfully wrong. šŸ™ Like, I left a guy in a pitch-black room while I went to get a tool, and it turned out that he was SUPER afraid of not being able to see, and he panicked.

    I also think that securing consent mid-scene can actually ADD to the erotic tension/experience….kinda like “making” the sub admit that they “want it.”

    Okay, those are my thoughts. Again, thanks for the link, and….

    …..the domme that I blogged about is/was awful but, thankfully, she’s an aberration. I’ve met many incompetent/untrained “dommes,” but almost none who were malicious like her.
    (I know you know this, paltego, I just felt I needed to reiterate it in case any of your readers are wondering)

    Thanks! xoxo

    Margo

    1. Hey Miss Margo,

      Thanks for the comment. As you’ve probably seen I used some of your thoughts on trust in a follow-up post :). Happy to here that your experience jibes with mine and #3 has been the way to go for you.

      Anytime I’ve lost the mood in a session I’ve always regretted not stopping and resetting. It hasn’t happened very often (probably just 2 or 3 times), but each time continuing when something is ‘off’ has been a bad idea.

      -paltego

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