Photograph – Page 123 – Femdom Resource

Negotiation in the moment (cont)

A few additional thoughts struck me while I was publishing yesterday’s post. Nothing new or contradictory here. Just extensions of the previous ideas.

Firstly, as a piece of advice, I’d suggest that it’s important to avoid leading questions when negotiating consent in scenes. If the submissive is already awash in endorphins and mentally predisposed to agree with the domme, then leading questions are problematic. Saying something like “Is it OK if we do X?” doesn’t help the submissive make the necessary mental gear shifts. The subtext is the domme would like to do X. Instead say something like “Is it OK if I do X or would you rather we avoid it?” That gives a nice simple binary choice (important when someone might be endorphin clouded) and suggests that yes or no or equally valid answers.

Secondly, I’d like to be clear that the onus isn’t always on the domme to negotiate every single activity every single time. I’ve actually been in the situation Miss Margo described in her post – anal penetration when tied up and we hadn’t discussed it – and it wasn’t an issue at all for me. That was because I was playing with someone I was very familiar with and we’d already done bondage and anal play multiple times in past sessions. In those cases I think it’s down to the submissive to take things off the table that a reasonable person might assume were still on the table. If anal play is usually OK but I have an iffy stomach one day, it’s down to me to mention it either beforehand or when the strap-on comes out. I shouldn’t expect the domme to mind read that something previously fine is now an issue.

One final point I wanted to make was actually touched on by Miss Margo in a comment she left to the post. Namely that it’s easier to achieve a great headspace when you trust the domme to negotiate clearly. If I constantly have to parse her questions and try and determine are we negotiating or playing then it’s hard to relax. Similarly if I know she’s liable to try new things and the onus is on me to stop them, then I’ll always be asking myself if I’m OK with the progression of the scene. Conversely if I know she’ll step out of character as necessary and ask simple questions then it makes it much easier to zone out when she’s in character. I wrote last week about taking a ‘holiday from yourself‘ during intense scenes. I think that’s only possible when you can fully relax and trust the person you’re with.

Given anal play got mentioned several times it seems appropriate to finish with this image. I’m afraid I don’t have a source for it. I found it via the Pegging with a Smile tumblr.

Negotiation in the moment

Miss Margo recently put up a post that got me thinking about scene negotiation. The original post was about a complete absence of negotiation and a bad domme acting non-consensually. I’m not going to talk about that particular angle, as I’ve nothing really to add. If you’re destroying trust and traumatizing your play partners, as seemed to be the case Miss Margo describes, then clearly things are pretty fucked up. Instead I want to look at it from a more positive point of view: How do people negotiate consent effectively within a scene?

Obviously it’s always good to establish limits and boundaries before clothes come off and the whips come out. But it’s not always possible to cover every possible option. A scene is a fluid thing, with an energy of its own. Most people don’t want to script out exactly what will happen. So how do deal with the unknowns and getting consent when rope is flying? I’ve personally experienced 3 general approaches from dommes…

Assume consent, but go slowly with check-ins, and give the submissive plenty of time to stop the action if they’re uncomfortable.
Get consent by asking the question, but do so very much in the context and mood of the scene. I remember one time being asked in a very sultry voice – “Are all these holes mine to fuck?” An affirmative response in that case led to a set of urethral sounds appearing.
Mentally step away from the scene and pose the question in a very straightforward way. This is a big gear change, pulling everyone back into the pre-scene negotiation mood, before switching back into the scene dynamic. In this case the domme might pose the question as “Hey. Quick timeout. It just occurred to me we could incorporate X. Would that be OK, or would you rather not do that?”

I’m sure a lot of people would frown on (1), but I do understand the thinking behind it. In fact it’s the same thinking as (2). It’s trying to maintain the dynamic of the scene. Dommes want to walk the line between negotiation and maintaining the submissive headspace they’ve spent time creating. Sadly, while I understand the desire to do this, I think it’s a big mistake. The right way to go for me is always (3).

In a scene the submissive is typically predisposed to try and obey instructions and help the dominant. That makes it hard to respond to genuine questions that may require a negative response. Whatever happens somebody has to change their mental headspace to deal with the question. It might seem that options (1) and (2) maintain the scene dynamic, but actually they force the submissive to mentally change gears without any help. And that’s hard. At least for me it is.

With approach (3) the domme takes the responsibility to temporarily change the dynamic, as befits her role. It’s easy for her to pull the dynamic back to a discussion of equals before plunging back into the play. I’ve never had a problem getting my headspace back in those situations. I’ve had real problems with negotiations that caught me unawares and left me second guessing my responses.

Since I mentioned using sounds as a situation where I’ve encountered this kind of on the fly negotiation, it seems appropriate to finish with this image. Given he can’t see what’s coming, I’m hope they discussed it ahead of time. I’m afraid I don’t have a source for this image.

Fetish investment

I’m always impressed with the lengths some people will go to in order to satisfy a sexual fetish. Often it seems people are praised for investing time and effort in almost every niche apart from the sexual one. Spend years of your life become an expert on 16th century Italian poetry and your a respect scholar. Spend a few months working out how to realize a great sexual fantasy and your some sort of perverted deviant. That seems somewhat unfair.

I’m not sure of the source of the image below, but clearly somebody has invested heavily in medical equipment and latex uniforms. They eye makeup and the sheer shininess of everything is really the only give away that while this lady may be preparing to finger a prostate or two, she probably shouldn’t be relied upon for an official checkup.

Briar Patch

Whenever I see an image like the one below I’m reminded of an old comment on Max Fisch. It was from a domme and related to her unhappy experiences settings up ‘forced bi’ sessions. I sadly can’t remember who the domme was or the exact comment wording, but I do remember that she’d sworn off setting up a forced bi session ever again. Apparently her clients would say how awfully it would be to suck cock, how it’d humiliate them and be a truly terrible emotional torture to inflict. Of course it wasn’t so terrible that they wouldn’t absolutely say no if the mistress really insisted upon it. When she’d eventually agree to ‘insist on it’ and arrange the session the end result was always an hour of cock gobbling and no attention paid to her at all. She ultimately decided it was less femdom and more pimping for repressed guys.

Thanks to a helpful comment that was left, I believe this is from the Submissive Cuckolds site. For anyone confused by the post title, I refer them to this piece of American folklore.

A holiday from yourself

Yesterday’s post about ‘play acting’ got me thinking more about personas and how we constantly project partial elements of our personalities into the world. It struck me that intense BDSM play represents an almost unique situation in that regard.

I’m someone whose is constantly debating and editing myself. That’s not to say I’m insincere or fake. It’s just that my brain is constantly running and adjusting to the world around me. I like to analyze, pick out subtext and fine tune how I present to the world. I think most people do the same thing, either consciously or subconsciously. Unless someone is a totally self-centered jerk, there’s always a desire to understand how we’re being perceived by others.

The one and only time I think that’s not true is during intense BDSM play. When I’m tied down and being beaten there’s no room in my brain for analysis or reflection. When a needle starts to slip into my skin my only thought is to that sharp slippery sensation of pain. When nipple clamps are ripped away all that matters is the rush of blood and the tingling nerves. The combination of mental submission (which removes choice) and physical pain (which removes thinking) makes for a holiday from the self.

I wouldn’t say that my persona in those intense moments is somehow more true or real than my day to day one. Nobody beating my naked ass is getting to somehow learn the secrets of the inner me. But those are the times when I can forget about my persona and how I’m perceived, and just be in that very physical pure moment.

I’ll finish with an image of someone very much in an intense physical moment. I’d guess the only thing on his mind right now involves those nipple clamps and exactly when she’s going to tug them free.

This is from the Divine Bitches site.

Enjoying her game

Here’s a fun image to start the weekend with. It looks like she’s gripping his balls with some finger tip claws while spanking his ass. That’s a great combination of sensations – prickly and sharp versus flat and stingy. Not to mention the predicament aspect of the position. Although in my eyes, the absolutely best thing about it is how wide her smile is.

I’m afraid I’ve no idea who this is. Judging by the setting it looks like a professional play space, but I don’t recognize the lady involved. If anyone can help with an attribution please leave a comment. I found it on the Continuous State of Desire tumblr.

Earning an honest dollar

A few days ago I had a good rant about the incredibly obnoxious expression of ‘selling their bodies’. Today I stumbled across this Bustle article by Casper Rose that touches on similar ground. I’m happy to say Casper’s article is far better written, reasoned and more personal. She highlights the hypocrisy of how society sub-divide different types of physical labor, as well as the complexity sex work introduces into her personal life. It’s an interesting and moving article.

For an image I’m going to feature somebody looking particularly proud of their days work. This is from the Kinky Domina.

Achieving the impossible

If ever there was a headline designed to attract my mouse it’d be one featuring the words ‘Monica Bellucci’ and ‘dominatrix’. It should be impossible to screw up a photoshoot feat featuring one of the world’s sexiest women and hot fetish wear. Yet somehow the latest version of Marie Claire from Mexico manages to do it with shots like this one. No idea what they were thinking with that lighting, makeup and outfit. The pointy bra look wasn’t particularly sexy when Madonna featured it, and nothing has made it better since.

For something actually sexy and subtle, with still a fetishistic hint, we have to turn to the Italian Vanity Fair. The image below featured in the December 2014 edition. Fan of Ms Bellucci can also look forward to her in Spectre, the upcoming Bond movie.

Lace and Rope

Somebody is clearly enjoying themselves, perhaps a little too much. Hopefully he will not tear his rather fancy lacy briefs in all the excitement.

I’m afraid I don’t have an attribution for this. It looks to me like it has been cropped from a larger image, but if that’s the case, I couldn’t track down an original. I found it via the Femdom Fairytale tumblr.

Beauty of bondage

These images come courtesy of the Sexography (aka Celia Photo) tumblr. The rigger is Vlada and the model is Falco. I was looking for something striking to start the week off with, and these two images certainly fit the bill. There’s both great ropework and a real sense of emotion and connection in them. Plus it’s nice to see a domme in a regular non-fetishistic dress.