Lady Vesper posted a twitter article on the 6 BDSM myths that make her furious. I think they’re a pretty good set. You read the article for her reasoning but the myths themselves are as follows…
- The submissive has all the power because they can stop the scene at any time.
- The submissive allows the Dominant to dominate them.
- The submissive is the vulnerable one (partly true).
- The Dominant is responsible for the submissive’s mental state.
- Dominants don’t need safe-words or aftercare.
- Money makes real BDSM impure.
The first one here is one of my personal bugbears. I frequently see it quoted online, often by people talking about BDSM to a non-BDSM crowd. I think they believe it makes them sound clever, with special insider knowledge of the dynamic. Ooh, what a clever subversion of expectations!
In reality it’s a nonsense statement. As Lady Vesper points out, it mixes up the concepts of power and consent. Anyone can say no and walk away from the scene at any time. That’s not the same as having the power to direct and control the scene.
I find it particularly annoying because it plays into the idea that dominants are simply fetish dispensers, going through the motions of a scene at the behest of the submissive. It diminishes the agency and desires of the domme, which is really the opposite of what femdom should be about.
This shot of Lady Vesper is from her Twitter feed. You can find links to her Fan sites and Substack here.
Yes. No. 1 has always baffled me.
First because, as you say, anyone involved can end the scene at any point. And, as toy also say, this is about consent, not ‘power’.
Second, handing over power – giving someone else the power to make my decisions for me and losing my ability to make my own decisions – is precisely what I am there for.
Third, it takes no account of consensual non-consent scenes. Which, of course, deserve a much longer discussion. There is a whole spectrum of the degree to which ability to consent is genuinely given away in CNC dynamics. Different people may have very different ways of conceptualising and conducting these dynamics in play. I want, and enjoy, ‘no safeword’ play (with the obvious proviso that it has to be with someone I trust completely, and who knows me extremely well).
I’ve weirdly heard people say that submissives have the power because without them relinquishing it there couldn’t be a scene! Takes two (or more) to tango…
I do get part of the impulse – to distance a scene from abuse and emphasize the important of submissive consent – but people take that way too far.
CNC is indeed a much bigger topic! Not something I’ve written about much. Maybe try and find some decent articles on it to feature.
Thanks for commenting!
-paltego
I gave no idea why I wrote ‘toy’ instead of ‘you’.