I’m continuing my thoughts from yesterday’s post – Opt In or Opt Out. If you haven’t read that already, then I’d start there, otherwise this won’t make much sense.
When it comes to scene negotiation, I think there’s a fundamental tension that’s challenging to resolve. On one hand everyone wants scope for creativity and spontaneity. Working out a strict plan of action beforehand or stopping every 5 minutes to discuss the next activity is no fun. On the other hand, people can have very different views on what activities need discussion and what don’t. It’s not so much a question of failing to negotiate, but failing to spot the need to negotiate. If I think hoods are an opt in item then I will not mention them, as I don’t think I need to explicitly bar them. If the domme thinks they’re an opt out item, then me saying nothing leaves them on the table as a viable option to stick over my head mid-scene.
I don’t have any great suggestions to resolving this tension, other than trial and error and playing with the same people repeatedly. A few things I try to do from the submissive perspective are assume that…
- Any common themes in femdom and BDSM are things I have to explicitly opt out of. For example, I’m always explicit about ruling out humiliation scenes as that’s not my kink but it’s a common one.
- My opt in’s are sticky. If I opted in to something in a past session, the domme is probably going to assume I’m still in for it, even if we haven’t discussed it. So if I’m feeling differently about it, then it’s down to me to bring it up and opt out.
- Opting in for X may well be treated as also opting in for things closely related to X. For example, there are a lot of different types of impact play, yet they rarely get negotiated separately. If that’s a problem for me, then I need to be explicit about how narrow I want my opt in to be.
- A domme isn’t going to remember my particular opt outs between sessions. So if I discover during the course of play we’re on different pages on what needs discussion and what doesn’t, then it’s down to me to bring that up again next time as necessary.
I’ll leave you with a vintage image of an activity that is opt in for most dommes I know. However, there was one domme who, mid-scene and totally out of the blue, tossed me a pair of fishnet stockings, a garter belt and a pair of frilly panties to put on. It turned out to be fun, but I was certainly a bit surprised at the time. I think she was equally surprised by just how long it took me to figure out how to get them all on properly.
This show is from mrunderheel’s twitter feed.
Scene negotiation??? 🙂 🙂 HAHA Here’s my advice, keep your comments to a minimum. It’s usually not a good idea to go into allot of detail either before or during a session. A professional dominatrix will find it irritating and a drag on their creativity.
Full sight-depriving hoods? Agree. It’s a sometime thing. Sometimes a plus, sometimes not. Definitely one needs to explore the experience though.
Remember, a true pro-domme is in it for more than the bucks. They like (dare I say “love” even) their selected life style and profession. When in doubt or confused, let your domme lead you. Surrender your willfulness, and maybe she’ll turn you everywhere but loose. Have a good one.
I think you’re mixing two things together here. I never tell a domme how to structure or conduct a scene. I like to give as much scope as possible to their creativity. I absolutely will discuss what are the possible components are that could go into the scene. There’s no point saying “Do whatever you like” and then 10 minutes later going “Oh, but I didn’t mean that.” Everyone has limits, interests and their own particular kinks. I think the trick is communicating them effectively ahead of time so the scene progresses as smoothly as possible.
It’s a bit like trusting a master chef. I definitely have no problem saying I feel like some seafood, but keep in mind I’m allergic to crab. I obviously will not tell them how to cook, or what particular things to put in each dish, or how to season it, etc. etc.
Cheers,
-paltego
All I can say is – be glad that your YKINMK experience only involved stockings and panties. I once had a session with someone who assumed that pee drinking was an ‘opt out’ activity. Not fun.
I’d be wary about ‘common themes in femdom’ as the denominator for opt-in / opt-out, if only because I’ve found that knowledge of femdom and BDSM themes can vary widely across BDSM practitioners. It might seem odd to think of a ‘femdom-illiterate dominatrix’, but there are people, especially those based outside of major metropolises, who simply don’t have the experience with, or exposure to, the broader adult industry necessary for them to gain perspective on the fetish scene at large. Just like how a small-town lawyer or dentist might not be as up-to-date or sophisticated as their big-city peers, a dominatrix based in a smaller city might be less informed about the ‘state of the fetish’ than her better-connected peers in the major international transport hubs.
As for the more general discussion on opt-in / opt-out – I think that one of the things that distinguishes great dommes from the rest is a willingness to take a moment before a scene, and go over what’s about to happen, even if there’s been negotiation previously. Just spending a few minutes to say ‘Here’s what you’ve said that you’re into, here’s how I like to play, and here’s a general idea what we’re doing today’. Many dommes, even some successful and experienced ones, don’t seem to realize the value in a quick pre-play check-in like this; undoubtedly, many over-eager or impatient subs make an identical mistake. It pays to say everything out loud and put it in the open, even if you think that you’re repeating the obvious.
On a related note, one thing that seems to have gone out of vogue, and that I wish would make a comeback, is the ‘pre-session questionnaire’. Perhaps it’s just me, but it seemed like 10 – 15 years ago, many of the dominatrix’s websites that I came across had checklists, sometimes quite exhaustive, as part of their contact forms for potential subs to fill out prior to a session, which would presumably give the domme a clear picture of what their client was and was not into. Doubtlessly, these were probably a little hard to maintain, IT-wise, but compared to the single-field contact forms on many professionals’ websites nowadays, I think that the questionnaires were the better form of communication. With a questionnaire, you can, potentially, be very precise about what you are and are not interested in, without feeling that you’re being overly verbose or wasting the domme’s time.
I’m kind of amazed that both you and Servitor have described scenes where watersports was considered an opt out activity. That’d be one I’d always think of as opt in. I almost gave it as an example of exactly that when I was writing the post. Which I guess goes to demonstrate my point that it’s all very well discussing limits, but if you’re not on the same page as to what’s OK to do without discussion and what needs active agreement, then problems will arise. And yes, you’re right, there’s definitely going to be a lot of variance across people. Both geographically and on experience.
Most dommes I play with do that pre-play check. I always like to chat a bit before a session anyway just to get comfortable with each other, so that kind of check-in is a natural extension of that. I’ve also found that even if you’ve listed stuff in an email, it can get mixed up. Multiple times I’ve had situations where they remembered I’d listed something but had mentally switched it from a no to a yes. Definitely good to catch that!
And yes, agree on the benefit of a web site with a questionnaire and check list of activities. That topic is actually worth a post in itself I think. Definitely for inexperienced players I think that’s a big win, as it’s so much more focused. Much easier to pick from what you know is a possibility rather than have to try put thoughts into a tiny text box.
Thanks for the thoughtful comment!
-paltego