Dan Savage recently published an interesting series of letters on cuckolding. They were all from people who were either involved in it or fantasizing about it. The first featured a woman justifiably frustrated at her husband continually forcing the fantasy into their love life. The second features a man’s perspective on the fantasy. Finally, a series of four letters from women details both their good and bad experiences with it.
It’s not a topic I talk much about on this blog. It strikes me as a very contextual activity that’s hard to address in the abstract. The tease and denial aspect of it seem very hot to me. The potential contrast between their pleasure and my frustration is certainly a button pusher. However, I find it hard to relate to the emotional components, and that seems to be a key part for most cuckold couples.
Purely on the basis of a risk/reward calculation, it does seem to be one of the more dangerous kinky things to dabble in. Most activities can be tried without risking major fallout. Experimenting to see if you both like floggers or rope bondage is unlikely to decimate the landscape of a relationship. Cuckolding is more of a nuclear option. Great if it works, but you’ll be cleaning the mess up for years if it doesn’t.
The above image is originally from the Merciless Women site. I found it on the Cuckold Collection tumblr.
Hi paltego,
Here’s a topic I can certainly discuss with some authority and I would be remiss for not doing so. It’s important to be in reality mode when telling others about cuckolding because there more than enough fantasy porn available.
As you know, Em and I have been a deeply committed couple for almost 22 years and have an eight year-old daughter. Em works and I’m a stay-at-home dad.
Our relationship has always been Femdom based and in all these years it has played at varying intensities, sometimes 24/7, sometimes not. Usually there were at least some protocols in place and always Femdom in the bedroom.
Em and I both have been curious and experiment in the bedroom and down-to-earth in our attitudes toward it. If we tried something and didn’t like it, we stopped doing it. No blame. Simple as that.
We drifted toward cuckolding via our involvement in male chastity. Once I was locked up for extended terms, it became obvious that I wasn’t the only partner being teased and denied. Em was seriously frustrated by not having access to me for penetrative sex. Our fantasies and pillow talk began to revolve around her finding relief with another man. Then the fantasies got more specific about what kind of man that would be and how that might change the nature of our sexual relationship. This was very erotic for both of us but remained on a fantasy level for some time.
We were tapping in to a new and edgy kink but weren’t sure if we could or should go further. I started really wanting it and Em was reluctant. We kicked it around for months and then went for it. We were very lucky with Em’s early partners and she found that sex with other men while denying her husband could be very enjoyable. It could also be frustrating and disappointing, lot’s of work for lackluster payoffs. She did ultimately settle in with a few guys that she could see regularly.
When we moved back to the States, we started looking for replacement but had some frustration with that until a little over four years ago, she hooked up with Darius. Now, since my prostate surgery sidelined me, he’s pretty much her primary physical sex partner. They now have their own thing and sometimes I’m included and sometimes not. I enjoy the teasing and humiliation. I suppose over time we have gotten comfortable with the idea of polyamory. Our relationship is solid and happier than ever. It has worked for us though I wouldn’t claim any secret formula that others could apply to build a cuckold dreamlike of their own. I would say, however, that a deeply loving and committed relationship with good communication between the core couple is imperative. It helps if the “bull” is also on board with what cuckolding is all about and enjoys that power trip too. The three of us are very satisfied with the way things are except that Darius and Em don’t see each other as often as they’d like due to busy careers, family, etc.
Each to their own. What works for one may not work for another. For Em and I, a Female Led Marriage, chastity, caging, and cuckolding have been the bedrock of a long term happy relationship.
Best,
scott
Mrs. Kelly’s Playhouse
Hi scott,
Thanks for that long and thoughtful comment. It’s good to hear about your positive experiences. As a longtime reader of your blog, I’ve obviously kept up with a lot of your and Em’s adventures, but it’s nice to see them captured and summarized in this way. Particularly for others who might not have encountered your writing before.
As I said in the post, I think it’s a very contextual thing. Both in how the dynamic plays out and what different people get out of it. Which makes it hard to me to write about. I’m glad you can!
-paltego
Great post and great reply Scott. I read this post this morning before work and have been thinking about my reply all day. I also went to Dan’s site and read all three mentioned links.
One of the main reasons I started my blog was to shed some light on the cuckold lifestyle from my respective and life. There is so much ‘crappy’ information out there on the web that can twist and lure people into trying something they haven’t really thought through. Blogs like mine, Scott & Em’s and other’s I feel at least bring some realism to the growing trend on a subject that has been around for centuries!
NB has been a voyeur since his teenage years and that was the foundation that later grew into his cuckold needs that are very real and wired deeply inside him. Lucky for him, I adore men and always had a roaming eye, so when he brought it up to me over a period of time my main fear was if he was truly serious and would love me even more. I took the chance, trusted him and each time he proves himself to me and becomes more ‘owned’ by me which feeds my own kinky ways.
Whether it’s cuckold, bondage, pain…whatever the kink and wiring that is real with people, the key is finding that person who can compliment and enjoy what you bring together as a couple.
Cuckolding is about NB and my dynamic that we bring together as a couple. If that ever stops to excites us, it will fall to the way side, because bottom line is ‘WE’ as a couple are more important than any kinky behavior.
Yes, it’s an emotional charged relationship that adults and emotional stable, healthy people have a much better chance maneuvering in. Not for the faint of heart. And communication is extremely important.
My two cents… 😉
~ Vista
Thanks Vista. Glad experienced voices like yours and scott’s can chime in on these kind of posts. As I said in the post (and to scott in the comments), it’s tough for me to do more than provide links to articles I find and blogs like yours.
It’s certainly one of the trickier kinky activities to undertake and, as you say, not for the faint of heart. I think putting as much useful and realistic information out there as possible can only be a benefit to those thinking of exploring it.
-paltego
It’s not for me to pass judgement on other people’s kinks. I’ve got enough of my own thank you 😉
However, even if I don’t fully understand it, I admire the element of altruism that men bring to this particular kink. And as the long-distance cockslave of a polyamorous Mistress, I get it – sort of. The ability to take pleasure in another’s pleasure, and to sacrifice part of one’s sexuality for that other person, is no bad thing.
However, I’m not comfortable with the word ‘cuckold’ because historically, it contains so many bad associations. It’s traditionally used to point with derision at men who ‘can’t keep their woman’, who ‘aren’t real men’ (whatever that means).
This means that it’s part of a phallocratic discourse that, in my view, distorts and harms the sexuality and the gender identity of both men and women.
One of the great things about some, though not all forms of kink, is that they subvert this toxic discourse.
Hi Paltego:
I would imagine it takes a very strong relationship between two very loving and committed people to make cuckolding work. It is not something Her Majesty and I would ever try for a host of different reasons but I certainly don’t judge others who incorporate it into a femdom relationship.
I do kind of balk when folks imply it is accepted wisdom that cuckolding should be part of female led relationships. Despite the plethora of fantasy blogs out there portraying men in chastity and dominant wives taking bulls as lovers I don’t believe consensual cuckolding is as prevalent as one might be led to believe by reading the blogs,
You hit the nail on the head when you called cuckolding the nuclear option. If it works great. If not you have a real mess on your hands; possibly even the death of your loving relationship. Cuckolding is one possible tool in the toolkit of female dominance but I believed it is one that must be handled with care and approached with extreme caution. Just my two cents for what it’s worth.