Masochist vs Fetishist vs Submissive

My recent couple of posts on pro-dommes and D/s dynamics (here and here) got me thinking once again about categorization. I’ve posted on this in the past, most recently here, but the pro-domme angle got me thinking about it in a slightly different way. As the post title suggests, I’m defining three basic groupings.

Masochists are internal. They’re focused on their own sensations and headspace. In an activity like a caning they enjoy the sharp impact against their flesh, the imperceptibly delayed rush of pain and the flood of endorphins that result. They find their fulfillment by looking inwards.

In contrast fetishists are external. They find satisfaction in physical objects, materials and activities. Typically people think of a fetish as targeting a material like leather or an object like high heels, but I think an activity can be equally fetishized. To continue the caning example, a fetishist might enjoy the ceremony of it. The click of the mistresses high heels as she circles behind him. The cut-off view of the her legs and feet as she takes positions. The warm-up swish. The rhythmic delivery of each strike. He find fulfillment in experiencing the external thing he fetishizes.

Submissives are all about taking the internal and making it external. They want to take things they normally control, key parts of their self-autonomy, and put them into the hands of someone else. Kinky acts or equipment are just tools to aid or emphasize this exchange. For a submissive a caning isn’t simply about the act or the pain. It’s about the dominant taking over his internal sensorium. Using pain to block even his internal thought processes. It’s that moment when the dominant pauses and then says with a smile “I think maybe 6 more.” That beautiful moment of decision about the submissive but not by the submissive.

There three groups are of course overlapping. I think a lot of non-dominant kinky males would identify to some degree with all of them. I’d typically not describe myself as a fetishist, but I still appreciate an exciting latex outfit or a striking pair of shiny leather boots. I think they key to figuring our your primary kinky wiring is to contemplate which of them you could do without. That really help crystallize the “nice bonus to have” against the “this is fundamentally who I am”.  Personally, when I think about it in those terms, it’s clear that I’m primarily submissive. I could be dominated painlessly by a woman in sweatpants and still find it hot. Conversely, extreme sensations and a dungeon full of kinky gear would be no fun at all without the added element of control.

The reason I started thinking about these groupings in connection with pro-dommes is that these three categories represent three different types of client. That fact becomes self-evident when you look at posts on pro-domme discussion forums. Some people fixate on their internal sensations, some on the appearance or activities they enjoy and some on the dynamic they’re looking for.

This leads to a lot of confusion. For one thing they’re all called professional dominants, where in some specific cases professional sadist or professional fetish fantasy fulfiller might be a more appropriate title. For another thing their clients don’t typically make these kind of distinctions either. Both a pain junky and a foot fetishist might call themselves submissive, keying off the ‘domme’ part of the name. I guess it’s therefore not surprising that discussions of power, control and desire get particularly complicated in this area.

As a final comment, I will note that the key to my own understand of where I fall in the above categories has come from playing with pro-dommes. If you’d asked me five years ago about my sexual wiring I’d have never described myself as a submissive. Instead, once I’d finished blushing,  I’d have described the external fetish elements – kinky clothes and activities. The things I saw in traditional BDSM images and videos. It was only when I started playing for real that I started understanding and appreciating the critical importance of the D/s dynamic. That’s something that I think is very hard to grasp when your relationships are vanilla and all your kink comes via porn.

Once again, this is yet another post where I’m somewhat at a loss to think of an appropriate illustrating image. So I’ll just go with one I happened to find recently and like.

Strap-onI came across this one on the Finally & Finally tumblr site.

Author: paltego

See the 'about' page if you really want to know about me.

4 thoughts on “Masochist vs Fetishist vs Submissive”

  1. P-

    Your approach to taxonomy is, as they all are, necessasrily messy. I’ve tackled this a few times on my own blog and quickly fell to simply constructing my own definitions to describe what I saw around me, and my own FemDom relationships.

    Which brings me to my main comment. If I understand your FemDom experience correctly- and I may be wrong- you have portrayed it as, if not exclusively, heavily involving Pro Dommes in professional scenes for pay. You replied to one of my recent comments that you’d be concerned with any Pro Domme who had only a professional relationship with you, but wanted you to be exclusive with her.

    So, with my assumption made explicit, let me pose my question. And it is emphatically not meant to be judgemental. Rather, to observe a difference that might have consequences in the psycho-emotional responses of the submissive.

    Do you think your feelings of submission, as distinct from masochism or fetish, are different for you, than, say, for me, because yours involved Pro Dommes with whom you don’t have a non-professional attachment, whereas all of mine, save one instance, were lifestyle, relationship- or association-based FemDom experiences?

    -saratoga

    1. That’s a fascinating question. I’ve been pondering it all day, and I’m afraid I don’t yet have a coherent answer. I think it actually deserves a post of it’s own, so I’ll try and write one over the next couple of days.

      In many ways it’s impossible to answer, given I didn’t experience your relationships and I don’t have comparable ones of mine own to draw on. But I think there are interesting observations that can potentially be made.

      – paltego

  2. P-

    Okay. Then of the two of us, since I’m the one with both experiences, I’ll offer this. And then probably write a post about it at greater length.

    I found the dynamic with Mistress Amy, then a friend, and a Pro Domme with whom I played with free-style on a sleepover date, more pure and devoid of, shall we say, ‘baggage.’

    There weren’t longer term overtones. There also wasn’t training. But absent were, of course the messy parts of relationship play- implications for interactions at a later time.

    But I also didn’t truly feel as possessed or owned in a fulfilling way. It was more like an unhealthy snack than a good, balanced diet or meal.

    The extremes of the play were nice, but I didn’t feel it was genuine to my life, whereas with XM, it felt more natural when, at 2am, she would decide to grab a strapon and fuck me. Or haul me out to the bathroom to drink her fresh piss.

    Also, Amy confined our FemDom moments to her home. No erotic public play, whereas XM would constantly indulge in little moments of that to fulfill herself and make a point.

    -s

  3. Pingback: Tasting Menu

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *