I was thinking more about service dynamics (following my last post) and then this Bluesky thread on the challenges of an FLR. That in turn reminded me of a description of FLR dynamics I read years ago and that stuck with me.
The theory was that you could categorize these relationships into two categories – Mommy/Child and Rockstar/PA. The Mommy dynamic is a micromanaging one, focused on giving the submissive detailed step by step actions to complete. The submissive is supposed to do exactly what he’s told and not take the initiative. In contrast, the Rockstar dynamic is focused on end results. The submissive is supposed to act like a personal assistant, smoothing out the bumps of life. The domme doesn’t want to be hassled with details. If they want French food for dinner, the submissive figures out the restaurant, the reservation, the transport, etc.
I liked this categorization. It’s obviously broad and not all FLR dynamics / relationships will fall strictly into one camp or the other, but I thought it had the ring of truth. It’s also interesting to note that they place the workload in two different places. For the first one, the workload is on the domme to micromanage the submissive. For the second, the workload is on the submissive to deliver solutions and remove obstacles in the dommes life.
Reading that Bluesky thread it made me wonder if part of the problem is a mismatch between these two dynamics. If the submissive is expecting a micromanaging mommy and the domme wants an intuitive personal assistant, things are bound to go awry.
This is an old captioned tumblr image. It’s obviously leaning into the micromanaging mommy dynamic.
That was an interesting post plus Bluesky thread to both read, thanks for the link!. As someone who has always been fantasizing about FLR, I believe there is, like in all relational dynamics, the need to acknowledge three things.
1) Each individual has needs, not just expectations, from a relationship that MUST be met otherwise the relationship is doomed to fail. Those needs must be explicitly stated so there is also a requirement that clear and precise channels of communication be maintained regardless of the power dynamic established. A sub in an FLR ( or any person in any relationship for that matter) that does not have their needs met, or cannot or is otherwise forbidden to communicate their needs, will not only to grow to hate the relationship but actively seek ways to terminate it. Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs comes to mind, and for a relationship to succeed it must allow for ALL layers of the pyramid, including the topmost to be achievable within said relationship. Clear, honest, and consistent channels of communication between EQUALS is key, in order for even a FLR (be it F/f F/m or even harem like F/+f+m) to succeed no mater how TOP/bottom the relationship is outside those channels.
2) Hinted at in 1) above, needs evolve and change as the relationship hopefully grows and flourishes. What may have been good and even necessary 2 years ago in a relationship, could now be its very destruction if maintained. People, even the most subservient of us, are not a static STAT block like in some Table Top Role Playing Games. We don’t draft up character sheets and then are stuck always role-playing the same character. Once more, clear consistent RESPECTFUL channels of communication must always be ready to be opened, even by the servant/submissive partner.
3) There always will be a disconnect between the idealized version of any relationship and what happens when two individuals (or more if poly) consistently bump into unavoidable real life obstacles. Like it or not, we live in a world that has evolved from patriarchal structures and our society has ingrained cultural expectations and biases as to how individuals ought to behave both within and outside of a “normal” relationship. While I’m sure there are people who have successfully managed to navigate all those obstacles and maintained their “alternate” lifestyle relationship, for many more the constant “bumps” may very well become exhausting to manage, and is just easier to fall back into more traditional roles.
Sorry for the long rambling reply!
A very interesting post my FLR falls somewhere between the two. I do feel maternal warmth towards Butterscotch during certain moments but I certainly don’t view him as a child he is a man in every sense of the word. He has a mind of his own his intelligence is just one of many things I find attractive about him so it’s not like I have to micromanage everything he is very capable. Naturally he has structure and routine but it’s bulletpoints rather than paragraphs or a detailed step by step guide. I wouldn’t want a uxo who couldn’t think for himself. The rockstar/P.A is a interesting category as i have Butterscotch do everything I find tiresome cooking cleaning grocery shopping running errands etc but things like flights hotel and restaurant reservations online banking i handle personally as I don’t want my boy knowing where we are going until the very last moment plus I don’t want him having access to finances. He has a debit card and gets 100 dollars allowance each month for being a good boy and can treat himself to whatever he likes although any expenditure above 25 dollars must be approved by Maitresse first. Clothing food bills gas hotel stays trips to the theatre etc are the responsibility of the domme.
Thanks again for the post it has really got me thinking. Butterscotch is a intelligent capable versatile man who anticipates my needs before I have them but he also has restrictions imposed on him has zero option to negotiate and zero leeway for failure to comply exactly with instructions without it resulting in serious punishment for him. He foregos many pleasures he desperately yearns to enjoy he knows excuses are not accepted but my handsome athletic man has an unappeasable need to undergo a ultra strict lifestyle disciplinary regime. It takes a very strong mental character to live the lifestyle 24/7 I find his physical capabilities his subjugation and awe of Maitresse very arousing. He finds being in the control of a dominant partner knowing he has no say in matters and genuinely has no choice but to be totally submissive very exciting and preferable to a life without domination. He is submissive only when in the presence of a truly dominant woman i have seen him be charmingly assertive with delivery drivers workmen and male neighbors on several occasions. I must point out that I take care and exercise great caution not to push him too hard so as to break him he is made of pretty stern stuff but I pull back when necessary our regime is safe and consensual but I would be being entirely dishonest if I said that I didn’t enjoy hurting him and relishing in the cries of his pain it is natural for me to confidently take command and comfortably watch him suffer. Our FLR and TPE doesn’t fall into a specific category it is a blend of grey rather than black or white you have also got me thinking of the exact title i don’t view Butterscotch as my equal but he is certainly not inferior either. He is my beloved and devoted uxo i guess loving dominant and caring submissive pretty much sums it up as it is a codependent relationship one can’t exist without the other a dominant and submissive equals one whole.