A few posts ago I made a remark to the effect that frequent use of a safeword suggested somebody was doing something wrong. Femi then left a comment containing this…
I know at least one submissive who sees ProDommes, and doesn’t feel he got this money’s worth if he doesn’t safeword. He wants to be pushed that far.
I found that interesting, as I’d never thought to play like that, and it instinctively felt wrong to do. I don’t mean wrong in a pejorative or objective sense. If that’s the way you play then by all means have at it and good luck to you. I meant wrong for me personally. However, I couldn’t put my finger on exactly why. It took a couple of days of pondering to really get a handle on it.
I think it ultimately comes down to control. I like to be pushed in a session, but I also like to feel I have no control over it. Knowing that I’m always going to safeword gives me a decision point that will constantly be in the back of my mind. A session structured around a climatic moment where I take back control seems like the wrong focus. In reality I can always stop any scene at any time (despite having no official safeword when playing with Lydia). But I prefer to immerse myself in the idea that I have no options, suspend my disbelief, and let the domme decide when it’s over.
I suspect part of this is the difference between being a pure masochist and being a submissive masochist. I’m generalizing here, but I’d say the pure masochist is interested mainly in sensations. It’s an inward focus on his pain. I enjoy that as well, but I get off more on the enjoyment of the sadist. It’s an outward focus on her, almost to the point of becoming disembodied. My physical presence is no longer my own. To safeword therefore feels like taking something away from the domme and breaking that spell. To a pure masochist it’s simply an indication that a certain threshold in pain has been successfully reached (or not reached in some cases).
The comic is from the entertaining Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal. I might start trying this approach in meetings and seeing what reaction I get. Although some of our more brutal design reviews might genuinely benefit from the idea!
You make an interesting distinction between the two: one is focused on his partner, the other on himself.
As you develop trust in your partner, s/he will push you beyond your previous limits and the safeword is only a last resort. In my opinion, A sub who safewords too often is not in a working relationship.
Would you consider a pure masochist a “pain slut”?
Slut is a complicated word. There’s a lot of baggage that comes with that. So in a sense yes, and in a sense no 🙂
As I said in the post, I don’t think it’s necessarily wrong to safeword as the culmination to a scene. If that’s the way you set the scene up, then by all means go for it. It’s just not how I would choose to manage a scene.
-paltego