I thought this was an interesting Guardian article: I spent years meeting strangers for masochistic hook-ups. Was I a sex addict?
It’s written by Leesa Morris, describing her experiences with the aforementioned hook-ups. She left a vanilla marriage and leaned in hard to her kinks and desires. In fact she leaned in so hard that it became a dominating (ahem) and unhealthy element of her life, leaving her unsatisfied and unhappy.
There’s a couple of obvious takeaways. One is that anything can be unhealthy when taken too excess and dependency. The other is that if kink is an important part of your makeup, a monogamous vanilla relationship is unlikely to be satisfying over the long-term.
I thought it also highlighted a couple of interesting gender differences. Firstly, she describes the lack of aftercare in her transactional encounters in this way…
A solid part of healthy BDSM play is the cuddles afterwards. The official term is “after-care”, and it’s when the dominant heaps affection on the partner who has taken the punishment. Closing the loop, if you will. But because I wasn’t making meaningful connections, the guys would usually leave afterwards, and I’d be alone with my bruises.
I’m all for aftercare but I don’t think I’ve ever had a post session cuddle from a domme. Aftercare in professional sessions is mostly just 5 minutes to unwind, chat about what happened and drink some water. While I’m sure a lot of guys wouldn’t object to a cuddle and a lot of affection, we’re also happy to leave with just a hug and a bunch of endorphins to process.
The other difference was simply how many masochistic hookups she could arrange. A male submissive, outside of hiring professionals, could never make those connections so quickly and easily. While the difference in numbers between male submissives and female dominants may be over-blown, there’s clearly a big difference between the available of dominant play partners for female versus male submissives. And equally clearly, both dominant and submissive guys are more at ease with transactional encounters. That’s probably not going to make news at eleven.
I’m not sure if this is actually aftercare, but it certainly seems like a tender moment. I found this via tumblr, but I believe that’s French domme Mistress Ibicella. You can find her Bluesky here.
Aftercare with my Mistress always began with my kneeling in front of her and laying my head in her lap (often she would instruct me to wrap my arms around her legs). Then she would stroke my head and shoulders – encouraging me to cry if I wanted to – and speak to me softly: thanking me for my submission and telling me that she valued it.
This usually lasted for 5-10 minutes, but went on longer if she thought I needed it (especially after a very intense session).
It was a beautiful way to end a session.
We usually went out for lunch or dinner afterwards (or back to her flat for something to eat) so that we could talk and unwind.
That’s a very sweet way to end a session, particularly if it was an intense one. Sounds lovely.
I’ve been for dinner a few times after sessions with dommes, but that’s definitely an exception for me, not the rule. Glad you could enjoy doing that!
-paltego
I had a number of sessions which have ended with a cuddle and with at least 3 different Mistresses. I know our tastes are different as I tend to the corporal punishment end of the spectrum so perhaps that’s why they’re more common for me. I really enjoy a cuddle at the end of a session. After all who wouldn’t enjoy a hug from a beautiful woman who has just spent a considerable amount of time thrashing you.
I definitely enjoy a hug – that’s always a nice way to end a session. However, I think of a cuddle as sitting on a couch or chair in some sort of longer closer embrace. That’s not really been something I’ve done, although I can certainly see the attraction after intense play!
-paltego
>if kink is an important part of your makeup, a monogamous vanilla relationship is unlikely to be satisfying over the long-term
This hits hard… Finding myself at this stage…
Re: aftercare, I often engage in 20-30 mins of chat time after a session, sometimes with alcohol if my domme so wishes (and when she has no further sessions booked). I say how the session was great (it usually is). The domme, possibly out of courtesy, says I was a great sub and she had a good time too, which makes me happy. We exchange ideas on what to do next. This is done within the billable time, but the last session the domme was enthusiastic we talked for almost an hour. Need to book for a longer session..,