The beauty of dominant women
I meant to write more on VR and Femdom today, but life caught up with me. I’ve been entertaining friends and not getting a lot of blog time. I’ll fix that tomorrow, but in the meantime, here’s a lovely image to share. I believe this is by the Russian photographer Anastasiy Mikhaylov who uses the handle estergom.
Articles on BDSM and mindfulness have been popping up across the web in recent days. The first I spotted was at Time magazine, and since then I’ve seen similar articles at sites like Bustle, Instinct Magazine and Medical Daily. They were triggered by research published in the journal Psychology of Consciousness that claimed that BDSM could put people in a state of ‘flow’, where the rest of the world falls away and their concentration is heightened on the present moment.
It’s good to see positive BDSM stories on mainstream sites, and I doubt many people in the kinky world would dispute the idea of BDSM leading to altered mental states. Getting into subspace might not be the only reason people play, but it’s often an important one. That said, I do have problems with the study (as it’s described in the mainstream press)…
Hopefully the study will at least be a good starting point for further research. In the meantime, I’ll leave you with an image of a couple in their own particular state of flow. From the watermark I assume it was something to do with this event (I found it here).
My immediate thought on seeing this, was that it was from the gang over at Dude’s in Distress. It’s got the colorful rope bondage and sense of playfulness they bring to a lot of their images. However, having scrolled through their archive I can’t see it anywhere. Whoever created it (and leave me a comment if you know), I think it’s a lovely image. There’s the symmetry of the composition, but also the contrast in their situation. Her playful smiling expression balances nicely with his bound and drooling one. And something about the eye contact that isn’t eye contact is very hot.
Fixing the blogroll is still on my to do list. I’m going to blame time spent Christmas shopping for slacking in the blog department. By way of apologies let me share this happy looking shot. It’s pretty simple stuff compared to some of the crazy shots I’ve featured in the past. Just some cuffs, a blindfold and a big bed. But it looks like fun all the same.
Not exactly a hardcore kinky image, but I like this one for its dark decadent feel. It’s a great set-up for some tease and denial. The look suggests a fashion shot, but I’m not exactly sure where it’s originally from.
Miss Margo recently put up a post that got me thinking about scene negotiation. The original post was about a complete absence of negotiation and a bad domme acting non-consensually. I’m not going to talk about that particular angle, as I’ve nothing really to add. If you’re destroying trust and traumatizing your play partners, as seemed to be the case Miss Margo describes, then clearly things are pretty fucked up. Instead I want to look at it from a more positive point of view: How do people negotiate consent effectively within a scene?
Obviously it’s always good to establish limits and boundaries before clothes come off and the whips come out. But it’s not always possible to cover every possible option. A scene is a fluid thing, with an energy of its own. Most people don’t want to script out exactly what will happen. So how do deal with the unknowns and getting consent when rope is flying? I’ve personally experienced 3 general approaches from dommes…
I’m sure a lot of people would frown on (1), but I do understand the thinking behind it. In fact it’s the same thinking as (2). It’s trying to maintain the dynamic of the scene. Dommes want to walk the line between negotiation and maintaining the submissive headspace they’ve spent time creating. Sadly, while I understand the desire to do this, I think it’s a big mistake. The right way to go for me is always (3).
In a scene the submissive is typically predisposed to try and obey instructions and help the dominant. That makes it hard to respond to genuine questions that may require a negative response. Whatever happens somebody has to change their mental headspace to deal with the question. It might seem that options (1) and (2) maintain the scene dynamic, but actually they force the submissive to mentally change gears without any help. And that’s hard. At least for me it is.
With approach (3) the domme takes the responsibility to temporarily change the dynamic, as befits her role. It’s easy for her to pull the dynamic back to a discussion of equals before plunging back into the play. I’ve never had a problem getting my headspace back in those situations. I’ve had real problems with negotiations that caught me unawares and left me second guessing my responses.
Since I mentioned using sounds as a situation where I’ve encountered this kind of on the fly negotiation, it seems appropriate to finish with this image. Given he can’t see what’s coming, I’m hope they discussed it ahead of time. I’m afraid I don’t have a source for this image.
There’s nothing sexier than a lick. Other than a bite. A lick and a bite. The two sexiest things are a lick and a bite and a kiss. The three sexiest things are a lick, a bite and a kiss…and a gentle nibble on the neck. Amongst the many things sexy things are licks, bites, kisses, nibbles and gentle whispers into a lovers ear… I’ll come in again.
I don’t have an attribution for this, I believe that’s Mistress Madeline and I’d guess it’s a crop of an original photograph from Kink.com. I should also add that this post originally was a sensible one that had an identical opening to its current one. It kind of got away from me after that. For anyone confused.
I was lucky enough to get to play with Domina Yuki today. She’s a very talented domme and as usual it was a great session with lots of groans, screams and whimpers. I can only hope the soundproofing in our playspace was good.
One thing I found particularly interesting was my emotional reaction to a whipping. I was lying face down on padded bench to receive it, looking to one side as she hit me with a heavy leather whip. To start with I was looking directly at her and the whipping felt incredibly intimate. Our only contact was the strands of the whip, and yet it felt like a caress. As others might feel about an intimate hug or a kiss, I felt about watching her swing this whip against me. It was almost a sexual experience.
After a number of strokes she moved around to my other side, where I couldn’t see her, and that changed the dynamic dramatically. Suddenly it was a challenge. I had to focus inside of myself and push through. The endorphins continued to flow but rather than being in an intimate situation I felt objectified. I could no longer project my feelings towards her and had to turn inward instead. I’m sure the strength of the blows were no different, yet they felt harder.
In hindsight the experience was a fascinating insight into the role of the brain in modifying pain and the way we can contextualize powerful sensations. It was almost a childlike reaction – sadistic peak-a-boo. Intellectually I always knew I was being hit by Mistress Yuki, but only when I could see her did it take on a different meaning.
I’ve been meaning to write a highly critical post about the Good2Go app that Slate reviewed a few days ago. Fortunately, as is often the way, my laziness carefully calculated procrastination has paid off, with the Girl on the net doing the job for me. In a far more coherent way than I would have managed, she accurately points out that consent isn’t a simple contract approved with a one time rubber stamp. It certainly shouldn’t be a rubber stamp skewed towards ‘yes’ that gets recorded to some cloud database.
While this particular app is stupid, I’ve often thought there was a role for an app in managing BDSM activity lists. If you’ve not seen one of these before, take a look at this particular example. That gives 200 different activities, with 10 different interest level designators, checkboxes for what you’ve tried and top/bottom differentiation. What’s more it’s formatted to be printed out, so presumably the idea is you fill it out on paper and take it along to play parties. I’ve got to think that an app would be better than handing out flyers to everyone you meet in the dungeon. The app couldn’t negotiate the scene for you, but it could at least do a quick intersection of two different lists and highlight the overlap. Plus, you could update it on the fly and maintain switchable lists for different situations. We could call it the iHanky.
I’m not sure what the gentleman below put on his activity list, but I hope he put a 5 against ‘Getting injected into the urethra with a solution made from Tabasco sauce’. Because judging by what the two ladies are holding, that’s what he’s about to enjoy.
This image is from Baroness Essex, an English pro-domme based in East Anglia and London. It features the Baroness with her PA Katherine. I found it via the Bei Fuss tumblr.
Take two blindfolded dudes, five ladies, an equal number of strap-ons, and a generous helping of whipped cream. Mix liberally and allow things to come to the boil. Makes one fun looking bukakke scene. Note that you should ensure your selected dudes are not lactose intolerant before combining ingredients.
This is from the Dudes in Distress tumblr. You can see more shots from the scene here. I have to say that those dudes don’t look all that distressed to me.