Sex Toys story for Mens Journal by photographer William Waldron

Sneaky domination

D over at Dumb Domme put up an interesting post that triggered a lot of conversation. It’s on the subject of introducing femdom into an existing relationship in sneaky/subtle/incremental/deceitful ways (delete as applicable). I’m not going to comment on the specifics of the situation she addressed as I don’t have the background. I will make some more general comments and, as usual, I’m going to take a potentially controversial line.

I think that the reason guys are nervous about raising the issue is, ironically enough, the same reason dominant women get annoyed by the public culture of femdom. For a lot of people the idea of female domination immediately conjurers up ideas of whips, boots, chains, sniveling men and snarling ice queens. It’s likely to provoke a strong WTF?! reaction. Yes, it’s great to talk about desires and needs, but when a phrase provokes a strong visceral and negative emotional reaction, that’s not a good place to start the conversation from.

I’d also say that it’s important to define exactly kind of dominant relationship is being sought after. There’s a big difference between a relationship that is D/s based and one that simple involves kinky activity in the bedroom. I suspect a lot of guys fantasize about the former, while really being interested in the latter. And if kinky fun is the goal, then who cares exactly what you call it? If it turns out my partner actually enjoys tying me up and pegging me, do we have to discuss the idea of femdom? Or can we just fuck?

When it comes to being sneaky and deceitful, let me float an analogy out there. Let’s say I’d like my partner and myself to eat more vegetables. Ideally, from my perspective, we’d be vegetarian or close to it *. However, I know she has a visceral reaction to vegetarians. Thinks they’re a bunch of lentil eating kaftan wearing hippy freaks. So rather that raise the idea directly I try cooking some really fabulous vegetable dishes I think/hope we’ll both enjoy. We still eat meat, I just shift the menu balance over time. If she hates it, then no harm, no foul. Clearly we’re never going to agree. If she likes it then I’m in a much better starting point for the discussion. And maybe, if my only goal is more vegetables rather than a full blown vegetarian diet, I might not even have to raise the issue at all.

Is this deceitful? Probably. I’ve got an end-goal that I’m not working towards but not sharing. Does it matter? I don’t know. Depends on the relationship. Is it morally wrong and an asshole thing to do? I don’t think so. While talking about and sharing fantasies is good, I’m not sure there’s a need to lay them all out there in one fell swoop. Particularly if you’re in an established and currently non-kinky relationship.

Sex Toys story for Men's Journal. Photographer William Waldron

The image is by photographer William Waldron from a series done for Men’s Journal.

* Note that this is a very theoretical example. In reality I’m not entirely opposed to vegetables. They’re just down on my list of things to eat below meat, fish, carbs, fruit, fungus, paper, precious metals and deadly poison. But if we run out of those, I’ll be all over the vegetables.

Also note that the original post by D was written by a dominant woman in a kinky relationship. This post was written by a single guy who is not in one. Weight the advice accordingly. Caveat Emptor.