The only thing we have to fear…

When I was catching up on my blog reading over the weekend I came across an interesting sequence of posts by Lady Anna List. They described a heavy imprisonment scenario, featuring bondage, isolation and sensory deprivation. You can read them in part 1, part 2 and part 3 of a series entitled Incarceration. What particularly caught my eye was the comment about a panic attack during the scene.

He’d fallen asleep and woken up before feeling the entire world closing in around him. Experience has helped him before to talk himself out of his impending attack…
…I’m not sure I would rescue him because this is something he has to get through so he knows he can get through it again in future extreme bondage situations.

That got me thinking about the nature of panic and how we experience it, which in turn led me to this fascinating paper on the subject. It’s fairly readable for a scientific paper and it contends that panic is an evolutionary response to dangerous situations. There’s first a tendency to freeze (so a predator won’t spot us), and then a physical response to divert blood, suck in more oxygen, release cooling sweat and tension muscles before fleeing for home and safety. The paper also talks about agoraphobia, an anxiety disorder where panic attacks can strike out of the blue in everyday life. These panic attacks typical occur in certain locations (wide open or enclosed spaces), or in certain situations (being in crowds of strange people or being far from home). These are scenarios which from an evolutionary perspective represented specific threats, such as being exposed with nowhere to hide, or encountering a number of strangers from outside your tribe.

I found it fascinating because there’s a tendency to think about panic as being purely a mental process, as something you can think your way around. And it’s true that you can condition yourself against it by repeated exposure and positive reinforcement. But the basic response itself is a very deeply embedded one, with real physical manifestations. Nobody would think of telling an agoraphobic to simply snap out of it and think themselves better. And yet I find there’s sometimes a tendency to see panic as a weakness or mental failure in a submissive. In fact it’s really just a million years of evolution doing it’s thing. Like the primitive drives for sex or food, it’s all about maximizing the chances of passing the genes on.

The other interesting takeaway from the paper was in the final section, where the author talks about the difficulty of studying panic in the laboratory. He should get out the lab and into his local BDSM playspaces. I can guarantee his local dommes will have a wide collection of experimental subjects they can push into carefully controlled panic situations!

I’ll leave you with a shot of an item that is great for pushing my panic buttons – a hood. That tight enclosed feeling gets me every time.

Hood in vintage BDSM shot

I found this via the clitlickslut tumblr.

Rule 34

For those of you that have never heard of it, rule 34 states that: “If it exists, there is porn of it.” It’s often used in a negative way, implying that there is no limit to how goddam weird people can be. Personally, I kind of like the concept. It’s nice to think of people finding others who share their tastes, rather than spending years with only their imagination for company. Although I can’t say the typical mash-ups of popular culture and porn tropes typically does much for me.

I believe this image is an example of the genre. I’ve never read any of the Harry Potter books, but from the tumblr comments, this is Hermione and Snape from that series. It’s a nice image, although I’m not sure as a pony he should be licking her boots. That’s more a dog thing. It’s always important to get your animal behavior roleplaying right when drawing pictures of fictional characters doing imaginary things in a parallel erotic universe.

 

Hermione And Snape
I found this on the Mujeres Dominantes tumblr.

Site updates

I’ve done some clean up of dead links and dormant blogs, as well as a number of additions to both pages and my blogroll. To the Equipment page I’ve added a link to Über Kinky (UK site with a wide range of stuff) and Erin Houdini’s rope site. I’ve also linked to the forum site provided by Domina Irene Boss from my BDSM articles page.

On the Femdom Blogs page I’ve added:

Finally I’ve added a collection of new tumblr links, using the new categorization scheme I came up with a couple of weeks ago. Under the more submissive focused heading I added:

Under the general femdom heading I added:

And under the general BDSM and erotica heading I added:

I’ll leave you with an image I found via the newly added Written in the water tumblr. I love the way she’s holding his head in one hand and is about to pinch that nipple with the other. It’s a very sensual but assertive pose.

Pinch

Intimate rope bondage

I’m feeling pretty buzzed right now from a great session with Lydia earlier this evening. I should have some photographs to share in a later post, but all I want to do right now is collapse on the couch with a glass of wine. Before I do that, I’ll leave you with a couple of very sweet bondage shots.

I found these on Natasha Gornik’s blog. She’s the photographer of choice for a lot of kinky people in NYC, and her blog features fetish/BDSM shots along with lots of photographs of food. Since those are two of my favorite subjects, it makes for a very enjoyable read from my perspective. The models are Erin Houdini and Athena. I loved the feeling of intimacy and affection between them. It’s nice to see bondage used in a sensual way, rather than the more typical restraint orientated S&M scenarios.

Erin and Athena, photographed by Natasha Gornik
Erin and Athena, photographed by Natasha Gornik

En Garde!

Maybe I’ve led too sheltered a kinky life, but I’ve never seen sword fighting crop up as a BDSM activity. Which is kind of odd now I come to think about it. It’s obviously a sexy look, as shown by Mistress Ultra Violet below. It crops up frequently in popular culture, for example the Bride in Kill Bill or Michelle Yeoh and Zhang Ziyi in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. And plenty of other fighting activities, such as wrestling, boxing and martial arts, have been adopted for kinky play.

Obviously real swords would be a problem. Nobody wants to end up with less limbs than they started with, unless they’re unfortunate enough to suffer from apotemnophilia. But there are plenty of practice swords that could be used, and I’m sure there must be some dommes out there who have done fencing or a relevant martial art. Just allow the submissive to only defend and not attack and you’ve got a fun new way to get beaten. Not to mention all the scope for some swashbuckling roleplay – Maid Marion getting her own back on the evil sheriff perhaps?

Mistress Ultra VioletI came across this image via a post on the Hogspy site.

A great example (of how not to do it)

I’ve often considered writing a submissive’s guide to organizing a first pro-domme session. Not that I’m any sort of expert, but I picture it as a letter to my younger self. The sort of article I wish I’d read when I was 21. Fortunately, I’m not sure I need to write it anymore. An article entitled ‘No, a dominatrix won’t have sex with you‘ pretty much provides the definitive guide. Just do exactly the opposite of whatever this guy does, and you should be OK.

Admittedly he didn’t initially realize she was a professional (in purely a taking the money sense of the word), but I don’t think it changes the basic message. For example, if she’s happy to meet you at 2am on the street and then mistakes you for her drug dealer, don’t do what this guy did and return to her apartment. Similarly, if the pre-scene discussion consists of her mentioning her boyfriend and then saying she’ll do it for free because you’re cute, that is not your cue to take your shirt off.

My favorite part of the whole thing was his last line – “The biggest lesson I took from this is one that I will carry to my grave: A dominatrix doesn’t have sex with you.” Really? That was your big learning point? A few others did spring to my mind. Add while that statement is generally true for pro-dommes in the US, for any random OKCupid date you meet collecting garbage on the street at 2am, I’d say all bets are off.

I’ll leave you with a picture of a real pro-domme having fun with her ‘boy toy’. This is Ms Mona Rogers, a genuine professional (in all senses of that word) from NYC.

Mona Rogers doing sensation play

Good nose, a fruity body and a long lingering finish

The US media has recently been having fun with a story about college students ‘butt chugging’. For those of you that missed this vital news feature, it started with a Tennessee student being hospitalized with alcohol poisoning, after allegedly having a wine enema. Of course this being the US, the story quickly spun out of control, adding religion, lawyers and press conferences into the mix. And while it sounds exactly like the kind of stupid thing a frat house might try, the media also has a reputation for making up ridiculous scare stories about alcohol and young people.

I’m sure most people regarded this story either as an amusing freakshow or as a sign of America’s moral decline. However, I suspect there might have been a few of my readers thinking to themselves – “What a brilliant idea! I like alcohol. I like enemas. Let’s crack that bottle of ’96 Burgundy we were saving for a special occasion!” If you are thinking exactly that, then firstly please don’t use a ’96 Burgundy. That would be a crime against grapes, and probably an arrestable offense in France. Secondly, please be careful. As this older news story makes clear, it can be a lethal activity. Drinking alcohol has the natural limits of vomiting and unconsciousness. It’s pretty hard to order another round of shooters when you’re face down in a puddle of your own stomach contents. That doesn’t apply to a tube and an enema bag, so lethally poisoning yourself is much easier.

For all those enema fans who play safely, here’s a nice image from the artist known as German. While enemas are not my favorite kinky activity, I think I’d be willing to give the scene below a try should I ever get the opportunity.

Enema

Lessons learnt

During my web wanderings over the weekend I came across this insightful post from Mitsu entitled “Lessons I learned as a dominatrix: 10 things that don’t exist.” It’s a thoughtful list and any one of her points could have formed the basis for a follow-up post. However, I’m going to pick the first item on it: There’s no such thing as intimacy without vulnerability.

Sometimes, a client would come to session with me with his heart set on having the amazing kinky experience he’d always dreamed of, but it would end up disappointing because of something I had no control over: the walls wouldn’t budge. He wouldn’t be able to communicate specifically what he really wanted. He wouldn’t be able to let go, of his ego perhaps, and let the scene happen.
Mitsu

As Mitsu goes onto say, this need for vulnerability and lowering your guard is a key part of any intimate relationship, not just a BDSM one. It’s something that rarely gets addressed directly. People come at obliquely, talking about sharing, trust or communication. But the heart of it, something necessary for all those things, is taking a risk and making yourself vulnerable.

The interesting thing I’ve found about doing BDSM scenes is that they can be a two way street when it comes to vulnerability. It’s necessary to let go to make them work, but the scenes themselves can also help you to do that. Pain and psychological stress can put a lot of pressure on any cracks the submissive wants to expose in their personal walls. It’s hard for the ego and super-ego to do their stuff when basic fight-or-flight impulses are ruling the roost.

One of the most powerful moments in any of my scenes came at a moment when I was feeling supremely vulnerable. I’d been in a bondage chair for a couple of hours, watching Lydia at close range, face to face, as she tortured me. I was bound but exposed, pushed deep into sub-space as she caned my inner thighs, applied clamps and zapped me with electricity. Towards the end she applied a number of viciously sharp clips across my body and then stepped back to watch as I struggled to breath through the pain. My thought process was long gone, there was really no me there, just a lot of pain and Lydia. As I stared up at her she came to me and gave me a gentle hug. It was a beautiful moment, comforting and reassuring, and I emotionally dissolved in her arms. Then, still holding me, she slid her body along mine, dragging the clips back and forth. I just about died. That little moment of vulnerability and intimacy combined with the sudden savage pain of the moving clips still gives me a shiver when I think of it today.

IntimacyImage of intimacy was found on the Girls Rule, Subs Drool tumblr.

Aggression is sexy

Seeing this image made me realize how few femdom images show expressions of simple aggression. There are a lot of smiling sadists, haughty stares and dismissive sneers, but not a lot like this shot. Personally, while I’m not a fan of angry domination, I do enjoy seeing controlled aggression. It suggest an emotional engagement with the scene and activity, not simply someone going through the motions. In this case her expression, coupled with the black glove, rope leash and bowed submissive, create a nice sense of focused energy.

AggressionI found this image on the She Rules Me tumblr. The dominant looks really familiar – a West coast pro-domme I think – but I just can’t place her name. If you can help with an identity feel free to leave a comment.

Update: Thanks to my knowledgeable readers I can identify the lady in question as Mika Tan. Her name was on the tip of my tongue I swear!