The Girl on the Net has an interesting guest post entitled ‘Choosing Love Over Kink.’ You can go read it for yourself, but the title is pretty self-explanatory. It’s written by someone who is clearly deeply kinky but has chosen to settle down with someone who isn’t.
My initial reaction was to think of all those bloggers, forum posters and Savage Love letter writers who are stuck in unsatisfying relationships with exactly this problem. It’s easy to point to examples where sexual incompatibility has destroyed relationships. Yet one has to be careful about observational bias (aka the Streetlight Effect). Unhappy people tend to be loud and vocal. Kinky people who have successfully suppressed their desires for the sake of a specific relationship are typically not going to be posting online about that fact. Perhaps the world is full of sexually incompatible people with great relationships based on other factors.
That said, I am one of life’s natural cynics, and find that unlikely. It’s true that all relationships involve negotiation and nobody gets exactly what they want. Unimportant things can be discarded while important things can be compromised. Unfortunately, sex is an incredibly important thing, and there’s no compromise involved in this story. In fact, if you’re fundamentally sexually mismatched, I’m not sure compromise is even possible. It’s also my observation that points of tension in a relationship don’t become less important over time. They’re the bit of grit that rolls around jamming up the works.
Of course as a single guy who has never been married, perhaps I should keep my observations to myself. I’m not exactly the go-to expert here. While I ponder that depressing thought, I’ll leave you with a scene of domestic bliss. Hopefully this gentleman’s idea of sexual compatibility involved nipple clamps and ironing.
I’m afraid I don’t have an original source for the image. I found it on the Seductive Domme tumblr.
This is a question that I’ve given a lot of thought over the years and it’s also been the subject of many a discussion with my former partners.
I’m really glad to see it getting some coverage because it’s something that I think most kinky folks have to think about at one time or another.
I’ve come to the conclusion that I can’t settle for a less than satisfying sexual relationship. I can compromise on many things, but that isn’t one of them. (And yes, I’m aware that statistically I’m less likely to have to compromise.) I think it would take an exceptional person to make me change my mind.
Thanks for the link, by the way! I wish I knew the source.
I had the same thought about wanting to know the source. I initially assumed there was a link somewhere in the post I was missing, but I don’t think there is one. As I alluded to in the post, I guess people who give up kink for a relationship aren’t tempted to start blogs to write about how great it is to not be doing kinky stuff!
As for the topic in general, as you say it’s definitely one most kinky folks have to think about. Typically it’s the great relationship, unfulfilling relationship or lack of relationship that gets written about. This post really caught my eye for covering that rare combination of fulfilling but incompatible sexually.
I’ve gone back and forth on my personal requirements. Occasional I think I should just try dating conventionally and seeing what unfolds, but I ultimately always end up deciding kink (or lack of it) is a deal breaker. I worry that I’ll regret that later in life, but I can’t see a relationship working where I’m missing out on such a big part of what makes me me.
-paltego
I realized i was a submissive fairly young, and assumrd that probably meant being tied up, receiving pain, polyamory, and the like, and, i felt like that i wanted those sorts of things. It turned out i did like submitting in kinky ways.
But, then i fell in love with a Domme who just wasn’t that kinky.
And, it turned out submitting to what She wanted was a lot more important and fullfilling than any specific kink i might have wanted to indulge in.
That was 30 years ago, we’re still married.
Congratulations on finding the right someone and being together for so long! I think some people enjoy the aspect of submission (whatever the kink) and some are much more focused on their specific kinks. Sadly, I think a lot of people think they’re in the former category, where most are actually in the latter. Nice to hear from someone who is happily in that first group.
-paltego