It’s widely accepted that the power dynamics within a BDSM scene are separate to the dynamics outside of it. In some cases they may happen to align (e.g. couples in 24/7 D/s relationship), but often they will not. Outside a scene the players might simply be casual play partners, or in a standard egalitarian relationship, or even enjoy a reversed dynamic, where a dominant outside the bedroom bottoms within it. Pretty much every combination possible is working successfully somewhere. Yet, if you add money into this mix, attitudes tend to change. I’ve often heard it said that a pro-domme’s client always has the power because he or she supplies the money. That no matter what the intended power dynamics in a scene are, it can never be genuine when money is involved.
As regular readers might predict, I find this an odd attitude. Firstly, it suggests a leaking of the power dynamic across scene boundaries that doesn’t apply in any other situation. Nobody would maintain that a couple can’t have a ‘real’ D/s scene because they regard each other as equals in daily life. Secondly, it implies that somebody paying for any kind of service can never have a submissive experience. That’s self-evidently not true when you look outside the sexual realm.
My favorite counter-example of this would be high end dining experiences. Eating at places like Saison (in SF), é by José Andrés (Vegas) and Uraswawa (LA) is always a submissive experience. These are restaurants where you don’t get to choose the food, you don’t get to choose the preparation and you don’t get to choose the accompaniments. You eat what the chef decides to present that night. Some places have even specific rules about how to eat. For example at Urasawa, the chef insists you eat each sushi piece in less than 10 seconds from when he places it in front of you. The restaurant’s clientele may be paying the bills, but nobody expects that in doing so they’re buying ownership of the chef. Instead, much like a session with a pro-domme, they’re paying for access to an experience.
Nobody would claim that my decision to dine or not at Le Bernardin puts me in a position of power over its chef Eric Ripert. Yet that’s exactly the argument advanced when it comes to pro-dommes and their clients. I suspect this contradiction arises from prejudice against sex workers. Some people erroneously believe, possibly subconsciously, that nobody would voluntarily choose to do sex work. They wouldn’t do it, so they can’t imagine anyone else choosing to. And if they believe a pro-domme isn’t there by choice, then she clearly isn’t operating from a position of power.
Note that I’m not claiming that all sex workers love their jobs, or that all pro-domme/client interactions are models of D/s perfection, or that a professional interaction is the same as a lifestyle one. I just to want break the idea that money inevitably corrupts and negates any BDSM scene it comes into contact with.
Given the nature of this post it seemed appropriate to finish with an interesting image from a pro-domme. This is from Mistress Wynter. I’ve sadly never had the pleasure of doing a session with her, but by all accounts she is one of the most talented dommes in NYC. Certainly someone who enjoys her chosen profession.
I hesitate to reply. Is there not at least a willing, if not enthusiastic, suspension of disbelief when a woman like ‘than’ chooses to be alone in a room with a man like ‘me’ and repeatedly allows her gaze to fall across my body?
Peace,
Pat
That’s a complicated comment with a lot to potentially unpick. I’ll try and keep in short.
I think you’re conflating sexual desire with enjoyment of doing a well run scene. I’m not a pro-domme, and can’t speak for them. But I don’t think it’s simply a case of client=hot therefore scene=good, or conversely client=not sexually attractive to domme, therefore scene=bad. From talking to pro-dommes they get a lot of different things out of an interesting scene, as it’s a creative process, a chance to exercise dominance, a demonstration of skill, etc. It is after all a job they choose to do every day. If they only enjoyed their job when everything was perfect (hot, sexually attractive, well muscled clients who are also excellent submissives with a high pain tolerance and good communication skills) then I think there’d be an awful lot less of them around.
-paltego
Good answer, IMO, paltego. I almost responded to that comment yesterday, but decided that it was too loaded.
Like a nurse or health care worker, I look at many, many naked men. At first it was weird, naturally, but now…? I don’t care.
Pat, unless you have very poor hygiene, your domme is not revolted by your body, age, or disability.
I have had awesome sessions with many men who were much older than myself, or not conventionally attractive. I have had sessions with human Ken dolls which were totally forgettable. In fact, IMO, really “hot” guys are just as much of a pain in the ass in session as they are in dating. I don’t trust gorgeous men. There, I said it.
Don’t feel ashamed of yourself because you don’t think that your domme could ever be attracted to you (unless, of course, that shame gets you off!), Pat. She’s not thinking about that.
Just shower first and wear deodorant and brush the teeth. And take care of your feet or else leave your socks on PLEEZE!!! That’s all the ladies I work with ever say.
Great subject for a blog post!
For reasons that I cannot quite understand, there is a lot of anti-prodomme sentiment out there in the BDSM community (particularly online). Every prodomme/proswitch/”pro” on Fetlife has heard “If you were REALLY dominant/kinky, you wouldn’t have to get paid for it!”
What? Huh? So if I truly loved to cook, I couldn’t work as a chef? What?
That idea is just idiotic. I think a lot of the anger comes from men who are frustrated that they can’t find play partners (they probably could, but that would take, you know, cultivating a relationship with a woman…and/or a woman who doesn’t look the way he wants her to look). They think they are entitled to sexyfuntime with a woman, and they take it out on prodommes.
Also, I don’t think that any woman who isn’t at least somewhat personally kinky (in her private life) and open-minded can make it in this industry, because the Biz is very strange and to be a good pro you are going to have to learn how to skillfully execute many different sessions. If a woman was honestly uncomfortable with fetishes and kink, she would never do this stuff. Not when there are other jobs, including in the sex industry, that are much more “conventional,” like sensual massage.
Finally, I know that there are women in the sex industry who hate it, and also women who are exploited or sold into it by their destitute parents (usually in the 3rd World). I hate that this happens. But insofar as pro-domming is concerned, I have worked at three different dungeons in NYC (two of them quite large), and while some of my co-workers were down on their luck or struggling financially for whatever reason, I NEVER met a domme or switch/sub who was forced, trafficked, or had a pimp.
Sorry the comment is discursive, but there’s a lot of material to comment on here.
Thanks for blogging!
Margo
P.S. Oh yeah…one more thing…when I get a nasty email telling me that if I was a real domme, I wouldn’t need to get paid for it, I write him back and tell him that if he was a real sub, he’d want to pay me.
This is not necessarily true, of course, but it gives him food for thought.
P.P.S. this blog post made me hungry!
Thanks Miss Margo.
The strength of the anti-pro sentiment seems to come and go in waves, but there’s always an underlying sense of it.
I’ve actually read a couple of interviews with successful pro-dommes who claimed to be entirely vanilla in their private lives (I think Mistress Arella was one), but for the vast majority I think you’re right. It’s hard to do any job well if you don’t have a natural interest in it, particularly one requiring the self-organization and motivation that being a pro-domme requires.
And I always enjoy a discursive comment, so no need to apologize for that 🙂 Hope it made you hungry for some good food!
-paltego
Oh hey! Thanks for including me in your site, paltego. I’m glad to be a part of it. How did I not know it was here before? 😀