Ferns has published an insightful new post entitled ‘Being submissive can be scary.’ It addresses the risks and emotional challenges of setting a foot onto the path of submission. Accepting that role, particularly after suppressing it for a long time, can be a scary decision.
The post does a good job of highlighting the specific worries a submissive may have. However, from a personal perspective, I’d refine the list Ferns uses a little. It’s not that I disagree with it; I’d just categorize it a little further. The first few issues she raises were definitely worries I had before I ever took a single slap from a paddle.
Scared that this D/s thing wouldn’t be what he expected.
Scared that the reality wouldn’t live up to what was in his head, in his imagination.
Scared that he wasn’t really submissive, that he was ‘faking it’ somehow, fooling himself.
Scared that he wasn’t really a masochist, that his fantasies over all those years were false.
Those concerns were very real to me. I worried that it would all seem ridiculous and that I’d simply start laughing. I worried that I’d safeword immediately and that nobody would take me seriously. It seemed like doing what you were told should be simple, but I was sure I could find a way to screw it up.
Ferns goes on to list some fears that she describes as tenfold of any of the above, all related to how the submissives self-perception might change.
Scared of leaving behind nearly 40 years of thinking that he knew who he was.
Scared of losing his comfortable place in the world, as part of the ‘normal’ set.
Scared of admitting that he was not the person he had been pretending to be all of his life.
Scared of the idea of never again finding a ‘vanilla’ relationship enough.
For me these were (and still are) real issues, but they played no part in my early submissive experiences. They were, in the words of Donald Rumsfeld, my unknown unknowns. I was worried about failing, the immediate risks, not the potential costs of succeeding. I saw BDSM as a potential addition to my life. Something that would enhance my options, not diminish them. It was only in hindsight that I saw the risks of not being able to go back and no longer finding vanilla relationships satisfying. There’s absolutely no part of me that regrets what I did, but I can’t honestly say I entered into it with foresight that Fern’s submissive did.
I think the image is from the charmingly named Bitches-Femdom site. I found it on Equally Deep In Your Eyes tumblr, which has absolutely the worst UI of any tumblr I’ve ever encountered. There are some good images there, but I suggest browsing via the archive. If the owner of this tumblr happens to read this: Please change your theme. You’ve chosen some great images but the navigation mechanism currently sucks ass.
paltego,
This post hits home. I had many of the same (and other) fears and truthfully, some still remain. I don’t think they every totally go away. Some are even silly, or at least seem so to others.
Real submission isn’t just acting out your fantasies, it’s about giving of yourself to someone else. Their fantasies might not be in sync with yours but…..it is what it is. That was one of my greatest fears.
RW
RW,
Glad the post resonated. Although Ferns really deserves all the credit for the original one. And I agree, some of these fears never really go away. Certainly not for me.
Sharing fantasies and negotiating mutual acceptable areas is always a scary prospect. As you say ‘it is what is is’, but there’s a lot of hidden depths lurking in those few letters 🙂
-paltego
I’m glad you got something out of my post, and thanks for expanding on it with your own experience.
“It was only in hindsight that I saw the risks of not being able to go back and no longer finding vanilla relationships satisfying.”
This made me smile. It seems so much better to me if you don’t have ALL OF THE FEARS up-front because they can all just pile up until it all just seems impossible to get over.
I do think that those who breeze through it without any fear can be baffled by people being scared, or (to Rich Wussy’s point) they think that some* of the fears are silly, but fear is fear and the desire to be ‘normal’ is powerful.
Ferns
Hey Ferns,
You’re absolutely right that it’s better not to have all the fears up front. That would just lead to paralysis. As I said in the post, I’ve no doubt that I did the right thing. Understanding all the risks up front would put me off and therefore ultimately been the wrong thing for me.
To be harsh, I think if you breeze through this kind of stuff without fear it shows a lack of imagination and introspection. In some way I want to say good luck to people like that. But at the same time I also feel that it’s missing something to not grasp the scope of it. Doubtless I’m skewed by my own personal perspective.
-paltego